7yo bedtime battles - at my wits end!

[Helpamom55]

DD (7) is absolutely delightful 95% of the time. No issues at school, no issues at sleepovers with friends/family (she’s had many and doesn’t act like below), daytime behaviour is completely normal for her age (odd huff but nothing major).

Bedtime is a nightmare. She’s never been great at getting to sleep, but things go in phases. The minute bedtime is mentioned she turns into a different child. Not every night, but often enough that it’s becoming unbearable.

We’ve tried everything - consistent routines, calm wind-downs, baths, books, low lighting. We even did a ‘bedtime alarm’ system (one alarm for calm time, one for lights out) which she actually loved as she’s very organised so we started that up again. We’ve sat with her in her room but it turns into arguments as we end up stuck there for an hour ++, and if we try to leave she immediately wakes and calls us back. We thought maybe she just doesn’t need as much sleep, so set an 8pm ‘cut off’ in which we would leave her to read then turn off the light herself. That worked for a bit, then stopped. The only thing that consistently works is us lying next to her, but then DH and I lose our evenings completely.

Recently she’s started having multiple toilet trips once in bed, then standing at the living room door crying/screaming and refusing to go back. Last night was one of the worst meltdowns yet - I completely lost my temper (which I feel terrible for) and ended up locking her in her room for a short time (just holding the door and I was right outside). It was the only way to get her to calm down however I know I will be scolded for that! She tends to calm better when alone otherwise she just can’t. Once she settled, I went back in, we had a chat, and I lay down with her until she fell asleep.

I’m exhausted. Shes definitely not ND, but I do wonder if there’s an anxiety element. We lost someone close a while back, though she doesn’t show signs of it affecting her in the day. She’s fine with sleepovers so I don’t think it’s separation anxiety. She’s very headstrong and I sometimes think it’s just FOMO.

Her behaviour is always worst with DH and me.

So, two questions:

1. Do we look at counselling?
2. Or do we just accept it, lie with her until she falls asleep, and hope she grows out of it?

Would really appreciate any advice or shared experiences - I’m running on empty.

Have you asked her why she is stalling and not comfortable going to sleep alone? Is she worried about dying or you dying?

She says she is scared/doesn’t like being alone in her room. I asked her last night if she was worried about us dying and explained (this person) was a lot older and what happened was rare - she then said ‘everyone dies though’ and we had a big chat about it, so maybe?

I just read my book next to my little one till she falls asleep. One day I hope to have an evening back but I remember having to go to bed on my own and feeling scared so I figure these days don't last forever, and it definitely has helped me get back into reading!

Does she have a Yoto player? My 8yo is usually happy to listen to an audiobook for a bit before falling asleep.

When my kids want me to stay with them, I've had some success with staying for a short while, then leaving for a bit and coming back, eg I just need to go to the toilet / say goodnight to [sibling] / tidy up for 5 minutes / etc and then I'll come back and give you a kiss... then do it. It helps to build their tolerance for being left while still reassuring them that you're nearby and coming back to check on them. I usually manage to go in and out a few times and they will often fall asleep while I'm out of the room.

That’s actually a really good idea and a really nice way to think about it, I think as parents we forgot that we were once children with feelings like this and yes, I remember that fear also! Thank you x

I had a dd who couldn’t fall asleep around that age, we put an Alexa in her room and played podcasts, not interesting ones either (well I find them interesting but not kid friendly, like In Our Time with Melvyn Bragg) she quickly fell asleep. She is ND so insomnia is an on and off issue, she still uses this technique as an adult as do I.

i do think keeping them up a bit helps, routine including reading a chapter of a book then put on the podcast

I would build up gradually with short leavings where you'll come back and lie with her again IF (and only if) she stays nice and quiet while you go - start with a nip to the toilet, then go and make a cup of tea, to find something you need for tomorrow, etc. Eventually go and have dinner downstairs or something, but always go up to lie with her after, even if she's basically asleep. You want her to get to a point feeling relaxed and comfortable being alone, and that needs to start with knowing you'll come back. Plan it with her in advance so she's expecting it - "these bedtimes havent been working very well so I've come up with a plan which wont be stressful for you and where i am able to get a few little things done still" (don't tell.her you're building up to leaving her alone totally though!). All the rules should discussed at a calm happy time. If it's going well, start sitting on her floor with a book instead some nights.

Have you tried having music or an audiobook on in her room? Music and “magical lights” (star projecting nightlight) worked for my DD. I think it just takes longer for some kids

Maybe an end of day Journal?
Let her choose one, nice stickers and pens and she can write/doodle for half an hour then lights out

we also use either the Calm app and a sleep story, or a calm book on audible. My children find it hard to fall asleep in silence, so will now fall asleep listening to a story. Not ideal but it works at the moment!