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Struggling with DS(6) behaviour after school

4 replies

Flanderspanders · 30/09/2025 21:46

I'm struggling with my son's behaviour at the moment, particularly after school. I'm not sure if we're just in a difficult stage, or if it's suggestive of something else going on? I'm not looking for anyone to "diagnose", but could you all humour me a bit and let me write out a series of things that I'm struggling with?

So, first of all he'll answer back to everything I say. For example, earlier I said something like "Everybody needs help now and again" and he completely ignored the sentiment, just very abruptly (and rudely) said "Not EVERYBODY!"
He then really focuses on that aspect rather than actually talking to me. I honestly don't know if he takes things literally, or is trying to push me somewhat. If I was to say "I've told you a hundred times already"...he'd say "Not a hundred times" and then constantly challenge "well you said a hundred times and it's NOT a hundred times".

He won't let me help with anything and gets really frustrated when I try. Learning to do his tie...helping him write out a particular letter...he just gets angry with me and pushes me away. I always let him try to figure it out for himself, but then when I see him making the same error again and again and very clearly struggle, I'll ask "can I help show you?" But then he gets so annoyed with me. And when he can't do it, he gives up and gets annoyed with himself.

He struggles to say hello to anybody when he's with us, for example when walking into school and his teacher says hello, he'll just look at the ground and not answer. I've talked to him about how to respond so as to not seem rude, but at the same time I don't want to "make it a thing" if he's actually feeling anxious.

We play games like yahtzee at night - if he loses, or gets a bad dice roll, we get one heck of a tantrum. Full blown rolling around on the floor kicking his legs around. He also struggles to play on his own, so as soon as a game is over he'll say "I'm bored, what do I do now?" Then says no to everything I suggest unless it's a game we do together.

He's very bright and academically is doing well at school, but I do worry about his social development a bit. He was also a late talker and is currently in speech therapy (you can understand him just fine, but he struggles with certain sounds formations). He seems happy and has people to play with, but he'll spend after school club writing out his times tables rather than playing with anybody. On the coach for a school trip recently, he sat and read his book rather than talk to the child next to him.

I've wondered about ASD, but I'm just not convinced and I feel these traits are probably quite common in a 6 year old? I'm not sure...are they?

Appreciate you reading, thank you

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FlyBoots · 30/09/2025 21:54

A lot of what you described was similar to my DD who was diagnosed as autistic when she was 10 and adhd aged 14. The diagnosis makes little difference though to how we parent her just gives others a heads up she may need more support. The PDAsociety.org.uk website has helpful parenting tips for communicating with children like you have described. It can take a bit of getting used too phrasing things so they don’t sound like demands but get them to do what you need them too. Recognising that school is utterly exhausting for a child whose brain maybe wired a bit differently so after school we had the classic coke bottle explosion daily yet in school my DD was quiet, compliant very intelligent child until the point she couldn’t cope. Hopefully he’s just finding the new school term tiring and needs bit more reset quiet space to destress from his day.

User69611 · 01/10/2025 05:11

Sounds like autism to me too, although sounds like you don’t want to hear that right now. Agree with the helpful post above, look up PDA. Not winning every game triggers a huge fight or flight response stemming from anxiety. As he loses control/isnt “ahead” or above others. Looks like spoilt behaviour but it’s not. In order to help regulate him you can let him “win” every game; allow him to control as much as possible at home, reduce direct demands (using non-declarative language when you need things done, helpful book about this is called the non declarative handbook). Look up At Peace parents on social media, I found her incredibly validating and helpful when changing parenting tactics with similar challenges. Now things are a lot calmer. Good luck, it’s very hard x

Flanderspanders · 01/10/2025 07:56

Thanks @FlyBoots and @User69611. I appreciate your advice and I'll definitely check out the things you mention.

I guess with autism, my reservations are that he also demonstrates a number of traits I wouldn't necessarily expect to see. For example he does maintain eye contact very well and has never we struggled with that. He doesn't struggle with transitions. He seems to pick up on my emotions well too. For example if I seem annoyed or stressed about something he'll pick it up from my voice and say "are you a bit stressed? Your voice sounds different". But I suppose I don't actually know if that's him expressing empathy, or just learning reactions.

I appreciate I'm generalising, and definitely have some things to learn. I just want to learn the right strategies to help him.

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FlyBoots · 01/10/2025 11:24

Like I said any diagnosis doesn’t change much unless you end doing the fight for a EHCP but if you can adjust your parenting and develop support strategies to the behaviour you’re seeing you may get a happier more content child. It’s not easy and my DD has an older sibling who was very different. Dr Naomi Fisher has lots interesting webinars, books & blogs that may help too. Good luck

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