Toddler takes an hour or more to go to sleep

[peetieswie]

My son is two and a half and takes an hour or more to go to sleep. If I don't lie with him he screams so I have to lie in silence for an hour every night. My newborn daughter is often screaming for milk (held by my husband) during this time.
He goes to bed at around 7:30/ 8 and unless he is absolutely wiped out, he takes ages. If he has a nap at all during the day then he's up till 9/9:30. He dropped his nap ages ago although nursery insisted on giving him one till recently so evenings after nursery were awful.

He wants to touch and kick me during the hour I'm trying to get him to sleep and I'm so touched out it makes me feel physically sick. Will he just grow out of this and get faster at going to sleep? I get absolutely no time to myself. He gets up around 7/7:30 in the mornings.

Also if my husband tries to do bedtime he screams until he's hysterical. He's really really clingy with me. Just hoping things will get easier at some point.

Sounds like you need to stop the whole lying with him palaver!

I don't know if things will get easier if you wait it out but I would definitely have dad put him to bed and just tough it out for a few nights and not give in to the tantrums. The whole thing sounds miserable for everyone at the moment.

What happens if you start bedtime later at 8:30? Also can you breastfeed baby in the dark with toddler eg I hold my toddlers hand through the cot bar while I sit on floor and feed baby.
or I read stories in big bed with toddler while sitting up and feeding baby

I’d send you DH in to do bedtimes and if he cries then so be it, he’s being comforted by a loving parent not abandoned. The current arrangement is totally unsustainable with it taking up to an hour and it’s not fair to leave the breastfed newborn crying for milk. Not only is it not working for the rest of the family but it doesn’t even sound like it benefits works DS as that’s really not good sleep hygiene to be tossing and turning for an hour.

I know, you're right. He's just so incredibly stubborn it's really hard to implement any changes because he doesn't give up. He can scream for hours and is very headstrong. If I bring baby in he will try and play with baby and distract her and roll around crashing into her. I'll try sitting by the bars but when I've done that before he just stands there staring at me. It's such a battle of wills but he's got the most stubborn streak. The other day I tried to wait him out outside a library cos he was screaming to go back in and even after half an hour he didn't give in and I had to end up dragging him away screaming.

I have a 2.5 year old who also needs one of us to lie with him, and this is a huge improvement to having to hold and rock for ages. Each time we've changed the routine he's screamed and cried but a few days in each time he's been fine. If I had a hungry newborn I'd be getting dad to do a few nights to break him of the habit and if he screams he screams tbh, I think having a newbie and him not being your only might make you want to be there for him, but food trumps bedtime routine atm.

Sounds like bedtime is too early

What sleep training have you done?

I wouldn’t prioritise putting the toddler to bed over feeding the baby.

My DC1 was a night owl at that age (still is as a teen), though less stubborn than your DS sounds! Sibling rivalry was also high - you mention things your DS is doing that suggest that could be the case for him too.

If DH was around he’d settle DC1, later than we’d have preferred, which often took ages, if he wasn’t around I’d feed DC2 and read to DC1 on my and DH’s bed, DC2 usually fell asleep then would have a little 1:1 time with DC1.

Something I found really effective when I was going through similar, was doing a rigid routine of bath, stories and then a song once he was tucked up in bed. When the song was finished I would say “I’m just popping to the bathroom to get something, I’ll come and check on you in a minute” and then leave the room and come back a minute later saying “I’ve come back to check on you!”. He was quite cross at first and would cry/shout for me but obviously only for one minute. I’d go back in and tuck him back in bed and sit next to him but not say anything other than a few mmhhms, and hushing, maybe holding his hand or something until he fell asleep. Over a few weeks I built up the time I was out the room and eventually he would usually be asleep when I went back to check. It took a few nights of him being quite emotional and standing up in his cot while I was sat there quietly but if you’re mentally prepared for that then it’s worth pushing through! The leaving the room and coming back a few minutes later thing seemed to reassure him that I would always come back and it was like that confidence allowed him to fall asleep more easily. When I told him I was going to make a cup of tea etc he started asking “will you come and check on me?” And I’d say yes of course etc, and made sure I always did.

I also second what pp have said about trying feeding the baby while you’re sat with your son, and alternating nights with your partner so he gets used to both parents. Once children realise there’s a firm boundary they will stop testing it. It might take a few nights of consistency which will be really hard, but definitely worth it!! Hope that helps, good luck!

I had similar with my 3 year old.
I used to say I was 'going to work' and physically left the house for 45mins. Not ideal I know but I was so sick of doing every bedtime. It took a few weeks of me going out 3 times a week but it improved things. Now we take it in turns so it's better.

Take the baby with you. Sling/pram whatever you need to get you out the house.
Good luck!

Could you try waking him a little earlier so he's more tired by bedtime and you get an evening - also, you could try a floor bed - if he's got a recent little sibling he may just need you that little bit more?
We have found that lying next to our daughter on a floor bed is much easier than her being in a cot. Also, you could try a dance party to get those last wiggles out before bed, or a massage to help him relax.
Ooorrr... I sometimes find 'magic dust' in my pocket which she needs to sniff with long deep breaths and I also put some in her eyes which she then needs to keep tightly shut.. works when she's overstimulated!

Sorry for late reply. He doesn't have day naps anymore and we already use a floorbed. I wonder if that's made it worse because I lie on it with him to get him to bed and he can't feel asleep on his own as a result.