My autistic child is causing very bad neighbour relations

[BowPetals]

My son is almost 8 years old, he was diagnosed with autism at 3 then ADHD at 6. He is a very loud little boy in general but when he's in a meltdown he shouts, throws things on the floor and bangs. Unfortunately it seems like the two disorders are battling against one another on a daily basis because he's very highly strung and reactive. A tiny inconvenience can result in explosive behaviour. He's the same at school (SEN)

I'm endlessly panicking because we live above a woman who isn't tolerant of any noise. I had so much trouble from her and her (ex?) partner it made me physically ill with stress last year. It resulted in the boyfriend physically threatening me and me having to call the police.

The man no longer lives there, I haven't seen him in months, but she has started blasting her electronics at full volume in response to any noise DS makes.

She isn't a quiet neighbour. On sundays we are awoken to music blasting at 7am. I said nothing. I dare not to. Some people cannot be reasoned with and it doesn't matter if she stinks out the block with cannabis, screams and shouts at the boyfriend or wakes everyone up at 7am on a Sunday with music, we are the problem.

I can't move now. I don't have the money to. The council won't help as I'm adequately housed. I'm trying to save but it's going to take atleast 2 years to get together what I need.

I tried to involve SS myself and asked for a disability social worker - no help to be had. I now live with the fear that the neighbour will contact them maliciously and spin a different angle.

I have been waiting over a year for an appointment with the ADHD clinic to try DS on meds. I found out recently that his paediatrician forgot to send the referral.

All soundproofing efforts made by me. It's ineffective soundproofing in the block as a whole. I can hear everyone else too. I can't do anymore.

I don't know what I want from this thread I just needed to get it out somewhere as I'm feeling overwhelmed and on edge after a difficult morning with DS prompted a reaction from the downstairs neighbour. Again.

I'm neurodiverse myself.

Thank you for reading 😞

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like she would be a difficult neighbour anyway though, even if your DS wasn’t noisy due to his conditions. Keep pushing to get support.

With the neighbour, if she says anything to you just say firmly “I’m sorry about the noise but he has autism, I’m waiting for a referral to help him” and walk away. And when she makes a massive noise don’t assume that it’s a dig at you or a response to anything. It must be hard for everyone in the block living in each other’s noise.

Do you have other people in the block you can have a chat to, just to say Hi? Knowing people a bit better can really take the sting out of being able to hear them. You realise they are just getting on with their lives rather than having a dig at you.

A friend of mine lived in a noisy converted flat, they got together with the neighbours to discuss noise as they could tell the neighbour was deliberately putting the music volume up high for short bursts. He said “I do it when you put the hoover on at 7am, I know you’re not hoovering at that time, you’re deliberately winding me up”. It wasn’t the hoover….it was her hair dryer. They were never great friends but it helped for both sides to realise nobody wanted to annoy the other, they were just getting on with their lives. It’s tough. Not saying to do that with your downstairs neighbour though, just avoid her when possible.

Please don’t let this overwhelm you. Focus on getting the referral for your boy.

Can you use some system of rewards / withdrawal of privileges to try to influence your DS behaviour a tiny bit?
Look up ABA therapies.

Re this neighbour she sounds like there's not much you can do otherwise.
But most people just as yourself would find his behaviour unpleasant even if they don't/ can't do anything about it.

Could you try really hard to remind yourself that her feelings and attitude is her own problem, and you and your child have the right to be there and live your lives.
You're not trying to upset her, like she's trying to upset you.
If she puts her music up, tell yourself that its up to her how she does things, and try and act as if she doesn't really matter. Youve got enough to deal with without having to stress about things you cant really control.
I would try and do as much of your own soundproofing as possible, and then carry on doing what youre doing. Youre doing great xx