Child started secondary friendship struggles

[worriedmum8686]

Hi all
I am really worried for my son he is 12 and started secondary school this month. He left primary with a group of friends who were very street wise and to me are just that type there is always one they are picking on it just changed weekly.

he went to secondary school with just one other boy from this group and I had requested that they were not put in same class but ended up they were. Two other boys from the same primary are in the class and they have just bunched together but my son seems again to be the but of the jokes. I really have been encouraging to branch out but he hasn't. He still asks to meet up with these old friends at the weekend and I let him or else he would be bored. They are just so rude and really not good friends. I spoke to him tonight about branching out as he was upset by how some got on with him today in a group chat. He said he speaks to loads in class but doesn't know how to ask them to do things at the weekend because it would be weird.

any advice? Or experience of this

Hi OP I have been going through similar with my DD. I contacted school and they arrange activities for my DD with other children to try to build friendships. It has worked really well for both my children. Also try to encourage him to join after school clubs and to try to distance himself at weekends until he makes new friends.

Thanks for the reply

he has been going to after schools clubs and he has been eating lunch with different kids- the school just seem to have kept a lot of the same primary school kids together so they are all 'sticking' in their old groups.

I think I'm just gonna have to stop him seeing these 'friends' and hope that pushes him to make others but I'm worried it will make him more introverted he isn't overly confident

Op my daughter was having problems last year with an awful toxic group of girls. It got to the point I had had enough. I got in touch with the head of year and he was brilliant. My daughter was moved to a different form and she’s now got a whole new group of friends, it’s really been the making of her.

I would ask for a meeting at the school or at least email the head of year and express your concerns.

I spoke to him about moving class but he doesn't want to as he gets on well with new boys he has met .

his group of friends are allowed a lot more freedom than he is. The parents are nice I know them all but it's very obvious they don't check the group chats or listen in on the gaming as it is just plain nasty.

they go to a youth club a few nights a week and last night he just walked around on his own- two of them kept running away from him (two he would usually be closest too) and the other group were just loudly talking about what had happened on the PlayStation earlier that day. He says that he does want new friends he just doesn't know how to ask people to do things outside of school

he plays sports three times a week and also does two after school clubs.

Could you plan family things for the next few weekends so he’s busy and doesn’t have time to see these boys?
it sounds like he’s pretty active in sports clubs and a social dc so by October half term or certainly Christmas I’d imagine he’ll have new friends. Maybe the focus for now is just keeping him away from the other boys where possible as it seems he’ll make new friendships himself over time.

I think I just have to be cruel to be kind and say no more to meeting up with them. Even he himself has said the new boys in his class are nicer and he can have an opinion without being told he's stupid. I felt so sorry for him yesterday and tried to explain that it seems like a group that is survival of fittest and him and two others are the 'weaker' ones but they all will gang up no one takes the side or sticks up for the one they decide to pick on that week

It’s so early days yet. Firstly, I’d put an end to hanging out with these boys at the weekend, and I’d remove him from any group chats where there is bullying. He’s just started Y7, really doesn’t need to be in group chats at all, unless maybe with a small group of close friends who are actually friends. Get him out doing things at the weekend so he’s not bored. And get him involved in activities where he’ll make friends. Mine is in Y8 now and most of her close friends in school are ones she met starting gymnastics last year.

He is in football and rugby outside of school. In school he doesn't football and basketball so I do have him in activities always have. But his friends from these clubs don't seem to spill over into meeting up. Im going to stop him going to the youth club he went three evenings a week but it's where this group all go too so would just encourage keeping up that friendship. I'm just worried I am going to isolate him

Also was just looking opinions as his dad and I are not agreeing on how to go about this he is all boys will be boys