Parents of year 4 girls!

[Rory1978]

Hello, any fellow year 4 girl parents want to chat and ride out this crazy time together?

I have twins who are 8.5 and in year 4 in the same class together. I think we’ve had it fairly easy so far in terms of behaviour/friendships etc but with one of our girls things have become very difficult this last week with lots of explosive reactions at home, and apparent friendship issues

My DD2 is in year 4 now … gotta say lots of drama anticipated given experience with DD1

DD2 is more able to roll with it I think but hard to tell sometimes as she bottles it up … not sure whether other DC are intentionally mean or oblivious to the implications of what they say but painful either way

Twins in the same class must be tricky - we have lots of X is not talking to Y so you must not talk to Y type rule making happening as well as the ridiculousness of “who is your BFF / you are / are not my BFF” which gets very overblown

I’ve heard a lot of the same from friends with older children - that yr4 is tough. The BFF thing is what is causing a lot of upset for both girls, as neither feels they have one!

More than any friend dramas though is one of my twins struggling so much with emotional outbursts - she’s exploding at us (or shutting down completely) over some really really minor things that would previously not have caused more than a slight moan. I feel like I have a 3 year old again!

Y3/4 is - according to my primary school teacher friends - peak friendship fallout stage.

I know this doesn’t make it easier, but it is a really important developmental stage, because girls realise that not everyone has good intentions and might manipulate situations to their advantage.

Interestingly, a few years ago, when Y7/8 girls who had not been through this stage because of lockdown started falling out in a spectacular way (at my secondary school), we realised that it was because they hadn’t ‘practised’ friendship fallouts in a developmentally appropriate setting.

TLDR: hang in there, it improves somewhat and it serves a higher purpose!

That is interesting, and somewhat reassuring @ProfessorRizz

How about the high emotional part? Is that also normal or should I be looking in to anger management/counselling? She’s so polar opposite of her twin and that makes it harder to decide when to be concerned I think

This is purely from observing twin girls over my 20+ year teaching career, but for some reason, one twin does always seem to struggle more than the other. We have a twin girl ‘EBSA’ issue at the moment, whereby one twin ‘pulls’ the other out of school (secondary). I would always keep an eye on a child with explosive moods and emotional dysregulation, purely because these things can be exacerbated by the transition from primary to secondary (plus hormones!!).

When you say keep an eye, what do you mean?

om trying my best with helping her to make the emotions and think of other ways to cope eg deep breathing/counting backwards etc. but this has seemingly come out of no where and I feel like I’m walking on egg shells. I used to look forward to weekends and having them home and now suddenly I find myself wishing them away which is so sad.

omg you see me- lol. My eldest 8 year old girl- have to keep apologising to her teacher for the lunch time drama. So much petty behaviour of who’s playing who’s game. Chasing and annoying the boys. When in trouble at home explodes with how we’d rather she wasn’t here and how she wants a new family. Won’t read for fun like she used to. Everything is an eye roll. Give me toddlers back!

@OnlyFoolsnMotherssorry you’re going through this too. It’s the at home explosions that worry me the most. It’s making family life such hard work

@Rory1978

Keeping an eye just means watch out for any other indicators that your DD is struggling. Her teacher will be happy to write down or voice any concerns. Some kids are just more heightened than others, but emotional dysregulation (alongside friendship issues) can be a sign that your DD needs extra help/provision.

What does your typical weekend with the twin who is on edge look like?
In my experience of 4 DC, with emotional dysregulation at different times, it always came down to some sort of overwhelm/overtiredness.
Maybe she needs some calm 1:1 time with a parent just decompressing, like walk in the woods, very low demand parenting at home so she can really decompress? Does she still play? Interestingly, one of mine stopped playing in Year 4/5 but then when Covid hit she started again (she was in Year 6 at the time) and it really helped her. Another thing they can do is quiet activities like puzzles with calming music on.
Unfortunately life is extremely busy now and a lot of kids have very long days from an early age with activities and busy schedules on the weekends as well and often they are just completely exhausted. If they are stressed at school due to friendship issues and nobody to sit at lunch, in flight and fright mode there too, it is completely exhausting for them. Did you speak to the teacher? Do they have support interventions? Our state primary always did. Walk with TA, chats, the borough even had a therapy dog. Sometimes they let the older kids struggling play with the younger kids again too.

My year four girl is very quick to anger at home. I think it is a mix of tiredness and holding it in at school!

Sounds like my girl too. "I hate this family. I want a new one!".

Twin mum here and yes year 4 is the start of mean girls imo. With twins I’ve found it harder as dtd2 is “the popular twin”. It’s hard to watch and support but dtd1 didn’t always help herself, but other dc compared them. One particularly mean girl tried to turn everyone against dtd1 including dtd2 - that was when dtd2 saw it and called it out and the rest of the class realised what was happening. The dynamics are fascinating in a way. Year 4 was our Covid year so that resolved that one. They are now in year 10 and in a bigger school they’ve been able to find their own crowds and move away from the toxic dc. Thankfully they’ve both made good decisions. Good luck op.

I’ll add, with each other I’ve drilled in that we’re each other’s cheerleaders and celebrate successes because we’ll each have a turn and there’s no place for jealousy. They do seem to have taken this on board.

I’ve read the recent responses but just off on the school run and to work so will reply later. I really appreciate everyone’s perspectives. It can feel so lonely when you’re having a tough time as a parent!

Our school ran a lunch time Lego club on some days and also lunch time crafting club for some kids who needed it. Always worth asking. Some kids need the lunch time to run around, but others need quiet activity on some days away from other children. For some children team sports dynamics come naturally, yet for others, they really struggle with it and mature into it later.
What is most interesting is that the unstructured “play” that is typical of British state schools and most European ones too can lead to kids being mean to each other at lunch (in some other countries they go home at lunch to decompress), when there is not enough adult supervision. But like others have said, if they do not learn the skills now socially and emotionally to “deal” with it, then they may not know how to handle it at secondary school.
For some kids, it is just that they are sensitive and highly strung, yet for others they are neurodivergent and so it is much harder for them to deal with it as they do not have the tools to figure it out easily - for the latter group, often there is some help in some schools. Just remembered we had Year 6 play buddies too - boys who would play football with younger kids struggling or Lego, or eg girls making bracelets with younger girls/bug hotels etc. You can always enquire with the head to up the pastoral support, ours had to do a lot post Covid.

Oh gosh!! I remember Year 4!

DD was an absolute mad hormonal mess.
Friends falling in and out constantly.
Crying. Lots of upset.
Then she got her period. The hormones got a “job”’ . She calmed down and grew up massively (she was Y5, age 10)

@Araminta1003Sometimes our weekends are busy with family or trips out etc, but we do also have ones which are pretty chilled. Maybe we need more down time and time for her to just ‘be’.
She does still play a bit, but not as much as my calmer twin. She would choose listening to music/doing dance/crafting over playing now I think.
i have emailed school and the teacher replied to say let’s arrange a call so she’s not around to overhear so I’m just waiting on a time/date from him.

@TeenLifeMumyes! The comparison. I think this is starting to happen and my twin 1 is favoured as she is so much more laid back. Twin 2 here also does not help herself! We also have a mean girl who def hasn’t helped things either as she’s pulled some pre existing friendships away.

It’s good to know some of this is normal. I don’t think we’re anywhere near to periods yet, but I did read that there’s a hormonal surge between 8 and 9 so I’m hoping it’s that in part too… although with genetically identical twins you would think this would kick in at the same time for both….