ExH treating DD15 abysmally

[QueenBing]

We’ve been apart since Dec 2021 due to yet another affair of his. He’s since married his AP and has cheated on her too. Irrelevant to what’s happening now but tells you a bit about his character. Sorry in advance, this is long.

DD15 and DS13 went on a UK based holiday with ExH and his wife in April. Both of them said it wasn’t the best week ever as money was really tight and ExH couldn’t afford to do things like take them out for lunch/dinner or do any activities. Also the weather was awful so they ended up spending a lot of time indoors with ExH and wife’s dog which DD is allergic too. She’s also asthmatic so she was feeling very unwell. A few weeks later ExH told DS and DD that he would be going away with his wife and SS14 to an all inclusive resort without the dog. DS and DD were upset, feeling they’d been treated unfairly. For context, ExH earns £60k and the wife earns £28k. DD questioned the affordability of the holiday as he’d pretty much pleaded poverty for the 5 days he’d taken them away yet was off on another holiday in a matter of weeks. This led to some awful texts going back and forth from ExH and his wife to DD.

After a few more weeks of ExH refusing to speak to DD (but in the meantime taking DS to theme parks and buying him lots of gifts), DD suggested they meet up so they could talk. ExH refused to come without his wife so it was 2 adults v 1 child. DD recorded the conversation on her phone because she was so nervous about it. I’ve heard the recording and she handled herself very well. She was articulate and calm, unlike the wife who snapped at DD. ExH and the wife are now demanding an apology from DD for her behaviour and rudeness. She honestly has nothing to apologise for! This was back in June I think, since then ExH and the wife have seen DD once but have seen DS weekly.

ExH now wants to take DS away on holiday next year and has explicitly stated DD is not invited due to her lack of apology. The holiday will happen in April, just before DD sits her GCSEs. DD is so upset and she’s now not spoken to her dad in weeks. I don’t blame her. When I told ExH he was being unfair and driving a wedge between our children I was met with a barrage of personal abuse.

I spoke to a solicitor but he said given the ages of the children, I can’t stop contact unless I believe there’s a safeguarding risk and if I refuse to give consent for the holiday I could be taken to court and I’d lose. He doesn’t think emotional neglect would stand up in court either. All I want is for ExH to treat our/his children equally. I’m dreading Christmas because ExH is that petty and spiteful I can see him not getting DD anything while spoiling DS. I’ve suggested mediation to him several times but he’s refused. He thinks he’s done nothing wrong. I’m at a loss. DS loves his dad, they’re both heavily into gaming, and he’d be so upset if I stopped him visiting ExH. It just breaks my heart seeing DD so upset and even more heartbreaking is seeing the once close relationship between DD and DS turn sour because of the resentment DD feels towards DS.

This is horrible to read. I think all you can do is let it play out, and get her some professional counselling to process it as it's going to inevitably do a lot of damage. I wouldn't stop your son seeing him - he'll be feeling uneasy about the differences anyway even if he's not articulating it yet. I suspect your delightful ex will have zero contact with both of them by the time they leave home.

I’ve got her in with the counsellor at school and she’s had a couple of sessions. She says they’re useful. DS already feels uneasy as he’s being asked to keep secrets from me and DD by his dad which he hates doing.

She just doesn’t go
he can’t force her
you don’t need to do anything

as for DS…. It is whatever he wants to do

questioning the cost of the holiday and then secretly recording the conversations - this has got to stop. He is an appalling father. Your DD needs to accept that and stop fanning flames with a couple who clearly are very much up for a fight.

I think there used to be nothing you can do about how he choses to destroy his relationship with dd—but I think you need help preventing him from destroying your ds and your ds’s relationship with you and dd.

If you can find the right counselor you could try getting your ds into therapy too for being “set up” as the golden child while your dd is set up as the scapegoat in this toxic family your ex is constructing.

Read up on toxic and narcissistic parenting—he’s right there “splitting” the siblings into bad snd good, devaluing dd, praising and favoring ds.

This won’t necessarily last. If dd is not there your ds may find himself excluded or neglected compared to the new woman’s ds.

I would start by being honest with both children: favoritism is bad. Parents should treat all children fairly. Its not up to ds to correct his father or refuse gifts on behalf of dd but he should be taught how to handle being love bombed and bribed for attention. Because if you don’t teach him to correctly evaluate how and why he gets the favorite treatment he will end up taking for granted that he/boys/good children get nice things and other people get shit because they deserve it. In other words he will naturalize his treatment and end up as entitled and narcissistic as his father.

The pair of them are definitely spoiling for a fight. I have a feeling the wife has a lot to do with this behind the scenes and ExH can’t stand being challenged.

I have actually been reading about narcissistic parenting recently because he does have narcissistic traits alongside his borderline personality disorder (diagnosed in 2019). DS has come back from a weekend with his dad today and he can barely look me in the eye or speak to me which means he’s been asked to keep more secrets or lie about something.

You are definitely right about explaining the love bombing and bribery because I don’t think he fully understands it all, he just knows it’s not nice for his sister.

He doesn’t like women much, does he? Let you dd not go, and support her to get enough counselling. His very great loss, as he’ll come to see.

Your dd doesn’t need to see him. She is old enough to make up her own mind. It is sad that she’s being treated this way but in making the choice not to engage with her arsehole dad and pathetic stepmum she will be protecting herself in the long run. If she does go it sounds like she will be treated badly and probably end up being miserable.

I would leave the choice in her hands but talk to her a lot about empowering herself and having her own boundaries. She doesn’t need to apologise to adults when she’s done nothing wrong.

If your ds is happy to go and being treated well then he can still go. Although I suspect the tide will turn when he starts getting a bit older and more independent.

It may create a bit of an issue between the children but hopefully with your support and counselling if necessary they can work it out. Sorry you’re dealing with such a shit ex.

That’s brutal. Ex and his wife sound awful. As well as counseling for your daughter how about some for you and your son too. Maybe all together so that you can work out how to manage this together. You don’t want your son to be feeling guilty but it would help if he understood the whole situation.

My Dad was a jerk (drugs,loads of affairs, never put his kids first, favourites, basically selfish … I could go on) but I still had a good relationship with him. It doesn’t make sense but it’s true. I still got value out of having him in my life even though he was a bit or a low life. The fact I could acknowledge his faults but still have a relationship with him was down to my Mum, she was open about everything and never made me feel guilty about seeing him.

Your daughter sounds very mature but this is a lot for her to deal with.

Are there any other family members or family friends who might be able to mediate (ie point out to your ex that his behaviour is not ok)

Just to clarify, she hasn’t got the option to go on the holiday. He texted her and said she wasn’t invited due to her lack of apology and her poor attitude whereas her brother has made an effort to engage with his new family.
The issue I’m left with is an uncomfortable atmosphere in my household between the kids and my son is under a lot of pressure to keep all the fun stuff he does with dad a secret from his sister and me.

No one in the family will mediate because they all hate ExH. ExH has no family other than a terminally ill alcoholic father who is as big a twat as ExH is. The genes are strong.

Family counselling sounds like a good idea, I’ll look into it. I feel so sorry for both DD and DS. They’re both in horrible positions.