Do you ever feel “done”?

[Bobbo1989]

I’ve just tucked my 11 month old into bed, the night before she turns 1. Tonight, she just started walking.

Shes our third and final child. My hubby had the snip. My body broke bringing her into the world, as my pregnancies were near back to back.

We cannot afford anymore, nor fit them into our house or car.

Yet why, why do I still not feel “done”? I know that mentally I could not cope with another. I’m already burnt out from a 4 year old with behavioural issues, barely keeping up on housework and drained from sleep deprivation.

But oh how I miss those magical moments; the blue line on the test, the first heartbeat scan, finding out the gender for the first time, then oh meeting your baby for the first time. And all the wonderful firsts thereafter.

I wish I could just bottle it up and relive it all the time. I’m so not ready to be done. 😭

It's just hormones.

Luckily human brains are large so we can use logic to understand we are more than this.

Oh my, I could have written this too.
I have three. I too feel my body is broken and that I just got away with the third pregnancy. Im very late 30s and feel I just physically couldn’t do it now. My third is 10 months. When I see a newborn my heart drops. When I see photos of mine as young babies I feel wildly sad. I wept and wept the night I put my first two to bed before their first birthdays and my soon return to work. I adore, with my whole heart, having children. I will never feel done. If I could have another, I would. I just don’t think my body can do it again. I talk through this with myself often. Coming to terms with never being done.
I know having three is a gift, and I am so grateful for everything, so grateful, I know how lucky I am.
I do though know exactly how you feel. I had my third because I just felt like their soul was calling out to me, I couldnt stop thinking about them, so I did it and had my third. Now it’s learning to navigate it never happening again.

I fully understand this situation is nothing compared to the heartache of others who desperately want children and don’t have any yet. Just felt it important to say that.

I felt like our family was complete the moment I first held my DS. I have 2 children & both HG pregnancies so I don’t think I could have done it again even if I wanted to. 5 years on I still happy to be ‘done’ with my 2 kiddos x

Nope. I felt 'done' as soon as I had my second. And that was after relatively easy pregnancies and births. Before then I was super broody and couldn't stop thinking about babies.

I knew when I was pregnant with my only child that I wouldn’t be doing it again.

It’s because she’s turning one. And yes it’s so sad to think of all those magical firsts being done. I get it I feel the same, it’s probably the most intensely meaningful part of life and it’s so hard to let go of that. I have a small baby and realistically she should be our last but I can’t bring myself to accept that right now so I like to keep the door open mentally at least. It’s just such a hard thing to accept, that it’s done.

We have one; we both wanted a second (four, in fact!) but it just didn't happen and after a while we had to just accept it. It was complicated by the fact that I have a chronic health condition which had to be untreated while we were TTC so my health was awful and I was really struggling with that, to the point where it was my decision to say that we had to stop trying as I just couldn't do it anymore (physically, rather than emotionally, and also bearing in mind that my health made pregnancy hard too). DH would have liked to try IVF but there was no way I would have been able to manage it and that was hard too, as I felt like I was letting him down by not being able to keep trying.

DC is 3 now and while I sometimes feel wistful that we won't have any more kids, I also see the benefits of having just one and that helps a lot. So all that is to say that it is hard but it does get better - I'm not sure I feel happy about it exactly, but more accepting. Sometimes life is like that - you just can't have what you want, and you just have to make the most of the cards you're dealt - and I have done quite a bit of work around accepting that and trying to put it into perspective. I would say I feel okay about it now even though I will never feel like we were done, exactly.

I felt like this after my third, but deep down I knew I couldn't handle doing it all again either mentally or physically, and DH had the snip anyway. Everything calmed down eventually, I blame hormones.

Before my youngest was 3, I used to think ahhhh another one would be cute. The minute she turned 3, and we were done with nappies, bottles, she could walk, she could talk - whenever I see a pregnant woman I just feel thank God that isn't me and deep sympathy for that poor poor woman 😂

I’m on my first break away alone, with my 20 month old grandson. You’re never absolutely done.

Its magical.

I felt completely done after dc3. When they prepped me for my elcs I remember thinking how glad I'd be never to be prodded and poked like that again! I've felt sad at her milestones but always knowing it was the last time, not wanting to relive it the way I had with dc1 or dc2 (just as well as I'm now over 45 and DH had the snip). Agree with pp that I just feel relief when I see a pg woman or a newborn that I'm past that stage.

I have 5 kids and thought i was done at 4, didn’t want anymore especially after having twins, 8 years later im pregnant again and honestly didn’t want another baby, but really couldn’t go through with the alternative, she is 21 months old now and i love her soo much and so glad i had her, but i am definitely done 👍🏻 i like you will miss all the magical moments of pregnancy, even giving birth, the excitement etc but i also miss having quality time with OH, having my body back as my own (she is breastfed) and sleep lol she is definitely my last xx

Wow, some less than kind responses on here.

Thank you to all those that replied. For those that feel done - I’m glad you did. But really I was seeking some comfort from those who felt the same way as me, to know that I’m not alone. It’s great that so many of you do feel done, but that doesn’t help in making me feel less alone.

To those who do feel the same way, thank you so much for your responses. I do feel comforted knowing it’s not just me. I don’t know if it’s hormones - if it is, so what?! I didn’t have any easy pregnancies, so whilst yes I enjoyed the scans and the kicks, the rest was truly horrible and I did not enjoy it.

I simply miss all the things I’ve outlined in my initial post, and expressing confusion as to why I don’t feel “done”.

Your title says “do you ever feel “done”?” So i think some posters are expressing when they did feel done, its unfair of you then to say they are making you feel more alone when you asked the question xx

Nostalgia - it's heady stuff. I did sometimes yearn for another - all those firsts, the closeness you have with your babies - but it wasn't an option. I invested in what I had and made the most of every stage, rather than looking to repeat the stages that we'd already completed. I found that I "expanded" as they grew. Mine became the default house for mum-and-baby gatherings, playdates, sleepovers and, later, teenage hangouts and uni friends (very tolerant DH!) Don't focus on what you think you lack. Maximise what you have.

Me too 🤣🤣🤣

I adore my kids but feel done after two for many reasons of practicality/ health/ sanity.

But I could chase the absolute high of having a newborn for ever. I think the first month of my seconds life was one of the happiest times ever. I can see why women get addicted to having babies.

I feel completely done. I have horrible pregnancies and very medicalised labours and I can’t face all that again. My youngest is 2.5 and I’m almost euphoric that he sleeps through the night, breastfeeding is a thing of the past, and he can actually tell me when he wants/needs something rather than just screaming. His older sister is 6 and they have a lovely bond, very similar personalities and I feel a third wouldn’t add anything really. I’m incredibly excited about being able to take them on long haul holidays, to nice restaurants and generally have a relationship with them beyond the basic caregiving (not for a while obviously but in the future!).

I feel the same as you . I have two children and in between them I had 6 miscarriages so I really should feel done but I don't .

im 41 next month . I think im Just a very nostalgic person .

I know deep down I won't be having anymore but mentally I keep the door open and I've kept baby things in the loft . I can't get rid of them yet ..

I think knowing logically you are done vs feeling “done” are just two different things. I think you can yearn for more but also know that another baby isn’t a good idea for whatever reason. Heart done vs head done.

I get it. My third is 10 months. Late 30's. Am so exhausted after three, not so easy pregnancies and labours. Body pretty broken too. I absolutely rationally know I can't have another and go through it all again. But yes I feel sad that it's the last. I now totally understand why some people continue to have more, especially when they start younger. I never understood that before. Oh well, I just remind myself of the horrors of pregnancy, childbirth and the sleep deprivation and that's enough to get the vasectomy for DH booked in!

I am glad you feel that way, its how my mother felt. I belieev you should look ahead of you, because is alot of fun times to be had with children who are growing up.

I agree. We have two and our family is complete. I’ve honestly found it easier now they’re a bit older because the logic of going “back” to the baby stage. The age gap would be too big for us if I got pregnant now.

I think part of it is idealization - you remember the nice moments with other DC and don't think about the less nice ones.

There's also the fact that no more DC means going to another step of your life. Makes you feel older knowing that your fertile years are behind you (even if you're technically still able to have more).

Personally I am done. Can't handle anymore and I don't have that desire the way I did with my first three. But maybe it has to do with the fact that I don't like the baby stage. I much prefer kids when they're 3+, can talk, eat normal food, be a bit more independant...

When you think you want another baby, do you want the 18 years that follow ? Or just the baby stage ? If the latter I'd argue that you don't actually want more, you're just feeling nostalgic about those special moments. Which is understandable.