What is like having a toddler and newborn all day?

[BeGreenSwan]

I’m a happy mum of one, my daughter is almost 2. Parenting is difficult at times but I find it a lot easier now.

My friend just had a baby this summer and I’ve noticed she looks upset often. Her toddler is well behaved and she was so lively during pregnancy and before. Now she does not leave the house much. She’s a Sahm so her toddler is not in nursery and she has a baby and toddler all day. Other mums I know put their toddler in nursery but she can’t afford it right now.

Can someone explain what it’s like to be in this situation and how I could possibly help? I was thinking of bringing a meal over.
I don’t want to look after her toddler though as I don’t want to have to care for 2 toddlers.

Honestly nursery has become so overused now due to funding being so widely available that people make out parents are incapable of looking after more than 1 child themselves. It’s hard at times but let’s not make out it’s some sort of injustice that she has to look after her own two kids. She’s probably just tired due to having a newborn, she will soon get used to the new normal.

The day goes much quicker if you get out. So I would suggest meeting up somewhere suitable like soft play, the park etc

Yes I’ve told her it will get easier soon! I told her in about 6 months or so she will feel better.

I haven't personally experienced this age gap but having 2 kids myself I remember the struggle and guilt with trying to feed or do whatever with the baby whilst my older child just wanted me to play with them. She'll be exhausted from the baby but won't be getting any additional time to rest because of the toddler, she is probably just shattered unless you are concerned anything else is going on? Does she be have a partner - do they share parenting / household chores? Definitely check in on her, be a person she can message to chat or for support. Id always love a home cooked meal, any help with the chores is always appreciated but only if she wouldn't feel awkward accepting it. Having company is important as well - 2 Mums with 3 kids is so much easier than 1 Mum and 2 kids! Can you pop round with some bits for lunch? The days can be long and boring especially when you're tired so a distraction can be very welcome xx

For me, every visit at home or meet up in a cafe near a playground would have been invaluable. Having another adult there takes away the intensity and massively helps pass the time. Not to mention how good it is to catch up with a good friend ❤️

It can be hard, but it's doable of course. I found it better to get out often, just breaks up the day.

What really helps though is COMPANY. Another adult to share the day with. The more kids the better in my opinion. Let the chaos commence, it's the antidote to stress and overwhelm.

So if you want to help, just spend the day together! One of you brings lunch, one of you does dinner and then everyone goes home for bath and bed.

You're lucky to have each other with similar age children.

Agree with PPs getting out the house is definitely needed, even if she just comes over to your house for some lunch and a cuppa, although when you’re in that rut, getting out the house can seem like a daunting task, so maybe pop over to hers and then all leave the house together, even just once a week will give her a confidence boost that she can leave the house and its not going to be a disaster xx

I absolutely agree with this. I have a 3 year old and 4 month old and always find it a million times easier when we are out or have friends over. I recently had a friend over with their 3 year old and baby and while it was total chaos with the two older ones and two babies, it was a million times easier than being on my own. So definitely offer to go over or meet somewhere out.

If the baby is under 3mo she might just be adjusting and it's normal. She might also have pp health issues which she's not told you about.

If the baby is older, then I would help her by making it easier for her to get out of the house. What does she struggle with? Getting everyone ready? Juggling nappy changes/feeds on the go? Temper tantrums after they all get home? If she can pinpoint the stressful bits you could think of specific ways to make it easier for her. She could do changes/feeds while you temporarily watch both toddlers for five minutes for example.

The most effective thing might just be to ask you friend how things are going. Ask her if she's finding it tough and just listen sympathetically without trying to solve anything.

Good advice from @Reginalda re: PP issues either physical or mental.
She might also be having issues with her newborn - reflux/feeding/poor sleep
Although you don't want to look after her toddler, a playdate once in a while might actually help.

When I was at that stage, my toddler was a 3yr old, out of nappies and able to do a lot for herself but if your friend's toddler is only 2, s/he might need a lot of extra help.

I had 3 kids under 4 during lockdown and the key thing for me was getting us all out for some fresh air. Having a sling was also a godsend. Once things were back up and running the best thing a friend can do is come along for adult company... play dates, play group, a park, a walk, playgym, swimming etc.