Feeling like a failure

[DependentOnChocolate]

First time posting on here. Having another terrible day and just need to write/talk about it.

I (42F) have been with my husband (33M) for eight years, married for two. We have two children (2.5yrs M, and 6 months M). I am currently on mat leave, my husband works full time. His hours can vary but they are never particularly long hours and we dont have any money worries. My husband is fantastic with kids/household chores/supporting me when I feel rubbish, so im very lucky really.

I'm struggling with two things mainly. Firstly I think I was quite naive about how far removed from feeling like myself I would be after having children, especially as I have breastfed both (and youngest wont take a bottle). I have no time at all to myself, I used to go swimming, cycling, singing. Im not doing any of those things at the moment and they seem vital to my mental health.
Secondly I am really struggling with my toddler. He is just being a normal toddler who wants to be independent and have his own way, and some of the things he does (especially when I am feeding the baby) i find really triggering and I end up shouting at him, and then feeling terrible afterwards, as well as feeling in a constant state of heightened anxiety.
I have done lots of reading about how to be a calm consistent parent, and I totally get it in theory, but I can't seem to put it in to practice. I am really worried about how this will affect my toddler in the long term, and our relationship (and what about when my youngest gets to that age as well?).
I have talked to my husband about this, and he is very good at listening and telling me I am not a bad parent, but essentially I dont believe him, and I worry that eventually he is going to be worn down by it all.
My youngest wakes at least every couple of hours in the night at the moment and doesnt nap that well in the day, and the lack of sleep is definitely part of the problem, but thats no excuse to yell at my child.
I know there is no miracle solution, so I guess Im just hoping that by writing it down I can start to work through this and become a better parent.

Those are horribly tough ages.

No woman thrives with a 2.5 year old and a 6 month old. It's survival at this point.

And yeah, motherhood in the early years means you have nothing for yourself, especially if you're breastfeeding (it's the worst part) and have little family help.

Lean into it. This is just your life right now. Appreciate the small things, the cuddles, etc.

You are absolutely in the trenches now and I think it utterly normal to feel this way.

For your youngest I’d try to get them into some sort of routine in the day to help with the sleep at night. I know it is deeply unfashionable but to be honest I’d give Gina Ford a go. You need them to be sleeping more for your own sanity, and at six months they can absolutely go more than two hours at night. Would a nanny who does some sleep training for a few weeks be an option? If so, I’d do that.

As for your oldest I definitely know the feeling you describe. My solution was to talk constantly to my oldest with tonnes of praise. “We’re going to sit down and have breakfast now, oh you are being patient, that’s very good, can you help mummy tidy up, that’s brilliant, what a good girl you are, while I am feeding your sister can you draw me a picture/show me your favourite toy/book, after this shall we go to the park or the garden centre “ you get the idea. I found that she responded very well to the heaps of praise, the questions about the book/toy whatever kept her engaged and the constant chatter meant she had an idea of what was coming all the time so fewer tantrums. I’m not saying this always worked, but we had fewer days when I got to bedtime feeling like all I had done was say no and tell her off.

I do think, by the way, that after having a baby it took me a good year to feel like me again. So do go easy on yourself in the meantime. You’re a perfectly good mum who needs some sleep, that’s all.

Don’t be too hard on yourself OP. You’re in the midst of what is a difficult time. The fact you’re worried about this tells me you’re actually a great Mum. We all do the best we can under the circumstances we find ourselves in.

I have your same fears too, however, older and wiser mums who have come out the other side have all said the following:

You will mess up your kid in one way or another. There is no perfect parent. There is no one way to do something.

That you are worried about the effects mean you won’t go far wrong. If you didn’t care, THEN you’d have a problem.

Us mums beat ourselves up about everything when honestly there really isn’t a need, if you ask your toddler when they are older: remember that time i shouted at you? The answer is no.
I have 5 kids, the older 4 are now 15, 13 and twins 10 so at one point i had 4 at 5 and under, so yes there was shouting, during that time, its highly stressful, sleep deprivation is terrible and you really are just trying to muddle through the day as best you can but you ask my older 4 if they remember me shouting at them, nope.
you are in that age where sometimes shouting is the only thing that penetrates the screaming, crazy running around world of a toddler, but it won’t do any harm trust me. Xx

Just wanted to say thank you, the comments have really made me feel better. This week I have really tried to put myself in my toddlers shoes and acknowledge when he is struggling but have done my best to remain calm and consistent. I feel like its taking all my energy and brain power, but its better than feeling horrible for shouting. As for the baby...today I have been sat on the sofa for nearly 3 hours while he feeds/sleeps, enjoying the peace and quiet while his big brother is at nursery. I know I should figure out how to get him to nap without me, but its so much more important at this point that he just sleeps. Trying not to get stressed about all the other things I could do or need to do!!
And for me (last but not least!) Trying to do little things for myself (e.g. bought my favourite magazine the other day) and not feel guilty about going to bed early and getting up later than my husband when I have been up all night!