Managing my anger

[Askingforhelpx]

Hi. I'm really looking for some advice on how to manage anger. I have a little boy, not even 2. To my utter shame, I'm finding that I get angry a lot with him and sometimes end up shouting (or at least raising my voice). Or sometimes I just feel angry, but still - it's an awful feeling and completely disgusting. Today was probably the worst it's been. His behaviour is totally normal for a toddler, I'm the one who needs their behaviour modifying not him. I shouted over something so, so minor, he was distraught, it was awful.

Please, I don't need to be told that this is unacceptable, and that he's too young to express his feelings properly and needs me to be calm and model good behaviour etc. I know all this. I know it, I know it, I know it, with every (rational) part of me. But in the moment, I'm not rational. Things like counting to 10 etc don't even work as that would require me to actually take a beat to think rationally, but I go from 0-60 in milliseconds if you know what I mean. I'm not saying I'm constantly shouting at him but I shouldn't be shouting him at all for God's sake. He's so, so little. I love him to absolute bits.

Has anyone felt something similar? Does anyone have any advice? I think I do need professional help but I just don't know how that would work. I can't ask OH to take time off work every week for me to go to counselling/CBT, DS is not in nursery and we have no family that can take him. And if I'm honest, I'm scared that just mentioning the word anger to doctors or HVs will end with him being taken away. And I do think that, in spite of it all, I can be a good mum. Thank you for reading.

I really think professional help would be the biggest & only help here OP- you say yourself that know what you should be doing, but in practice aren’t able to do that because your own emotions are so overwhelming that you can’t put them into practice, so any tips are only going to join the list of things you should do but can’t.

You need to address your own lack of emotional regulation (or lack of) to get to the bottom of this.

You’re right. In fact since I wrote this I’ve contacted a local counsellor - a private one with more flexible hours. I was thinking we couldn’t afford it but it needs doing. I hope it helps. Thanks for replying.

It's excellent that you recognise the problem and have contacted a counsellor. I agree that professional help is important here, but something that might also help is to work on monitoring how you're feeling well before you hit your limit and go 0-60. To notice when you're starting to feel stressed, or touched-out, or struggling with the mess, the noise, or whatever at the point when it's still a low-level irritation.

At that stage, it's much easier to do something to help reduce your stress levels and be more able to cope with toddler behaviour (which frequently is trying!). That might be getting outside with him, it might be sticking him in front of an episode of something on cbeebies whilst you have a cup of tea, it might be having a quick kitchen dance party or game of roaring lions with him. (Even silent roaring is remarkably good at discharging angry emotions. Make a face and get your claws out as well. It doesn't hurt that a roaring toddler-lion is usually pretty funny, however fierce they're trying to look.)

One step further back is whether you get enough chances to recharge over the course of the week. What's his sleep like? Do you get a bit of time to yourself some evenings or at the weekends whilst DH has DS?

Hi! Have you called free crisis lines. I’ve done that as a parent (post yell or during) and they truly help.

I also do things like say out loud what I am feeling and need. “I am really really angry and I need to calm down” but by say it might be shouting or post shouting. And I put myself in the naughty step.

But yeah. Breaks and help which don’t necessarily exist with 2yo

Also, fish fingers and trash TV might suck compared to gentle parenting and a kale salad but they are better than mummy having a breakdown/heroes at getting mummy out of her breakdown. I’ve done weeks of junk and TV to get myself back to where I can parent.

I really relate to this feeling - particularly the snapping before you realise. Aside from professional support (and I’d question your assumption that your partner shouldn’t take time off to support this - plus as you say can be in evening) what has helped me is realising that I am most likely to snap when I’ve been trying to be extra patient but actually getting quite frustrated, even if by quite ordinary behaviour like not wanting to leave something. The thing that helps is to set a limit on the thing that’s getting to me before I’m at my limit. So if he’s making a song and dance about leaving the playground but I’m tired and hungry, ensuring we do leave when I want rather than pretending I’m fine then snapping when he throws a fit. Also noticing your triggers - I expect it’s particular things that get to you, so you can be more aware when they are happening that you are likely to get angry, and try to head it of. Good luck op, we’re all human, doing our best but not perfect.

Thank you all for your supportive messages. It’s really helpful and so very appreciated.

@skkyelark his sleep is so-so, he wakes up a couple of times a night and has to be fed back to sleep (breastfeeding only way I can get him to sleep). And I do get time to myself. DH works full time from home and still spends loads of time with him.

So honestly I don’t really have any excuse for the way I’m feeling and reacting. I fear it’s just my nature. I’ve always been prone to feeling anger, I think I’m just expressing it more now because of feeling stressed. It’s something I should have dealt with earlier.

Thanks again, all.

AuDHD parent here (read, no stranger to emotional dysregulation)
also a therapist working with highly deregulated young people
things that work for me to remain calm:

Finding my triggers (poor sleep, running late, noise) and resolutions (being strict with sleep schedule, getting out on time, loop earplugs)

Good health as far as possible through diet, hydration and exercise

Finding activities we can both at the very least tolerate, and at the ideal end , enjoy- Lego currently

The house and environment being clean

DBT strategies - half smile, STOPP, out loud self talk (this is making me feel angry, I know that is irrational, it is not your fault, mess like this can make me feel stressed, let’s remember we can sort this out and work together) does the double duty of demystifying feelings for DD and also keeps us calm as it’s predictable narrative on what will happen now/next

If it becomes too much and for example, I’ve been grumpier than I wanted to be, it’s about repairing as soon as possible. That doesn’t mean over compensating with gifts and favours, it means honesty and attunement. Models self compassion and helps move forward.

It has taken time to perfect, and I’ve had to really work hard in my own personal life and I do this for a job!

Of All the yp and families I work with, the ones who end up with overall more settled children are the ones who are honest about their imperfections, model active regulation and also ensure repair

obviously I am talking about a generally normal range of emotion here, not abuse or chronic aggression or neglect etc

Parents aren’t perfect!