1 year old so unhappy since starting nursery

[Washington98]

I’m so stressed right now. My little girl started nursery 3 weeks ago and since then has had a complete personality change. She cries hysterically at drop off, sometimes even as soon as we get out of the car and has to be prised off me. She is often crying when I pick her up and if she isn’t she bursts into tears at the sight of me. Nursery say she does settle down once I’ve gone although she’s had a few days where they say she’s been up and down. She’s now super attached to her dummy whereas before she would only really have it for sleeping. she seems to eat and sleep ok there.

She is in 4 days per week and basically now cries whenever I’m with her. She cries in the morning before we go, in the evenings until we put her to bed and on my day off and at the weekends she’s gone from being a happy smily girl to being very tearful and fractious and rarely smiles now. She comes home utterly exhausted and has huge black rings under her eyes and looks so pale.

She has had a cold since starting so I’m putting a lot of it down to her feeling poorly and the big change in routine but does this sounds normal to see such a huge change in her? It’s breaking my heart to see her so miserable all the time. I like the nursery and the staff seem kind and tell me not to worry but she seems so withdrawn there. She’s never been the most outgoing but I’m worried I’m going her serious damage by putting her into nursery. all the other babies are toddling around and playing and she is always sat in someone’s lap having a cuddle and looking upset.

sorry for the long ramble, I just feel so guilty and like I’ve ruined her life 😢

So sorry that sounds so stressful for you and your little girl, really hard going back to work and massive shift for everyone. I wonder if a small childminder setting might suit her better? With expansion of free hours might be hard to find a place at short notice but could be worth exploring as a back up. More homely environment and consistent person to bond with? Have heard of similar situations where when moved to the right setting the child was a lot more comfortable with separation.

That's really hard. I think if I had the options financially, I would pull her out for 3 months (or use a nanny) and then try again with a child minder setting. Unfortunately, perhaps because she is sensitive, this has not gone well. Not your fault but important what you do next. Or come up with an action plan with the nursery and agree how long to persist.

Unfortunately taking extended time off work and looking at a nanny isn’t an option financially for us and we don’t have any family nearby either. I could try a childminder but I had to wait 18 months for this space so it’s unlikely a childminder will have a place so soon.

i had a chat with the nursery manager at drop off this morning. She suggested giving it 6 weeks (so another 3) to see if she’ll settle as apparently she is 80% fine during the day when I’m not there. It’s more her behaviour at home I’m concerned about.

Poor thing, it's such a shock for them and 1 is the hardest age for settling.

I'd call all your local childminders and see if anyone has a space, while also giving it another month at nursery and seeing if she settles. Sometimes it does take months.

My DD was like this when she started at 1. She became really attached to her blanket & cried at drop off & when she saw us coming to get her. They said if they were in the front garden at collection time she'd stay where she could see the gate for us to arrive. It was heartbreaking but I had no other options.

She's in the pre-school there now and has loved her time there since she settled in. It didn't help that her key person in the baby room was term time only so in her eyes, she kept disappearing.

She also got a chest infection pretty early on so was upset because she was ill, which is similar to your daughter. All the photos they sent me from that initial period are of her sitting on her key person's lap and in all if them she's so red around the eyes from all the crying before she calmed down.

Obviously moving her might be your preference but I did just want to say it can get better. When we were going through it, it was the most horrendous thing, but my DD has had such a fantastic time at her nursery since then I am glad we stuck it out.

I really hope she settles soon.

Sorry to hear this. If there’s no way to reduce her time there…

It was so horrible for mine that we both ended up doing part time until DC was 3

I hope it goes ok for you op. Just thinking of other ideas. The dummy is acting as a transitional object, so that's good. Does she have a comforter, muslin, or toy that she can have with her as well across both settings? Maybe a T-shirt or clothing that smells of you? Do you / can you have a really good predictable handover routine with the staff, and a really predictable routine at home?

@Washington98 how did your little on settle in the end? Going through the same thing.