Please tell me it gets easier

[Mini1977]

4 year old DC has a referral for ASD/ADHD which was picked up on by the HV when DC was around 2.

Its been a long process and appointment after appointment. DC masks in nursery although nursery do see traits at drop off and pick up but they dont see much in a day to day at nursery. DC seems to follow rules and may have the odd meltdown and become very "stubborn and strong minded" in the nursery setting.

The real traits come when DC gets home, the hour(s) long meltdowns, the lashing out, refusing to eat, wont listen etc the list goes on.

Ive been recording everything and every time we go to an appointment with child phycology they base it on how DC is in the appointment and not the full picture of all reports submitted by myself and other health care professionals who have seen DC at home in their own comfort.

Anyway today DC has come out of nursery quite the thing laughing and joking got home and all hell broke loose, ive been punched, kicked, things thrown at my face, things thrown around the house one of which being DCs tablet (which is a comfort) that is now broken.

We are 7 months away from our next appointment with the child phycologist although nursery have said they are going to ask that this be brought forward. But I feel like im at my wits end I really dont know what else I can do.

I know DC cant help their behaviour as they are masking so much at nursery that when they get home everything just comes flooding out but I really feel that the older DC gets the harder its becoming.

So please tell me your stories, some peace of mind im not alone (although I know my DC isnt the only one) when your in the trenches it really is lonely.

I'm so sorry to read this. It sounds very difficult for you. I haven't got any advice but I'm bumping this.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne thank you 💕

Honestly I'd video a typical melt down so at least you can demonstrate what you're talking about. The problem is even if you get a diagnosis it doesn't necessarily bring support. (For the ADHD, it can do with meds). Support groups for parents/online tips/books probably need to be your lifeline for now.

It’s very hard. It’s good you’re in the system so early though. After school is a real flash point. Have you tried a few sour sweets? Sometimes it occupies the brain and averts a meltdown for longer enough for you to get some food and drink in them and settled watching tv or similar.

(And yes, it's very likely they will learn more strategies and control than they have at 4, so it should get easier). (Then a bit harder, at puberty, and then easier again).

This sounds so hard. Things will get better once your little one is at school. We seemed to be in a black hole before then, but once they start school, the SENCo will get involved, and you can be referred to various people by the school- things just seem to move along better. When my son, who is autistic and has ADHD, was in nursery, it was exactly the same ('He's not like that here' etc) Once he moved on to school, they seemed to be more on it. I think the older they get, the more it becomes clear than they are different to their classmates and it's not just 'toddler behaviour' anymore. Sending lots of strength before then x

It is relentless OP. Different ages bring different challenges.

I found that when my eldest came home, she was like a coiled spring as she was horribly overstimulated from school. So we had a ban on afternoon activities and would go for a walk with the dog or play in the garden until tea. Then we had to stick to the same routine of bath, stories, bedtime. Screen time would often tip her over the edge so we had firm limits with that. Any hitting or destructive behaviour had to be dealt with immediately, and sometimes that would mean a LOT of naughty step or sitting on a chair with me until she'd calmed down. Routine is your friend, predictablility and finding an activity that is calming rather than even more stimulation. Fidget toys are good for this.

Parenting a child with SEN is like ripping up the instruction manual and flying by the seat of your pants most days.

@Abominableday I have videoed the meltdowns and showed these at the appointments. Our Nursery nurse who specialises in helping with SEN children had also seen the meltdowns etc and put in her own report on these. I have social anxiety myself so attending groups is outwith my comfort zone but I feel I have read everything I possibly can and took on board a lot of good information to help me manage DC but there is those times like today where im completely at a loss. I normally know when DC is going to kick off or I know what causes it and I can intervene and try and reduce it as best I can but today there was nothing that I can pinpoint.

@Autumn1990 i dont tend to give DC sweets as i feel these contribute to the ADHD side of things and DC ends up "bouncing off the walls". Might give this a try on a Friday though when we dont have nursery the next day in case it does give an energy boost lol.

@Becks2479 the nursery have actually put in a referral for community outreach services, someone who will work with DC within the nursery but this has only just been arranged so we have a little wait time for this. Thank you 💕 its hard going especially when they mask so much in nursery and the only person who truly sees them for themselves is their "safe people" x

@Becks2479 the nursery have actually put in a referral for community outreach services, someone who will work with DC within the nursery but this has only just been arranged so we have a little wait time for this. Thank you 💕 its hard going especially when they mask so much in nursery and the only person who truly sees them for themselves is their "safe people" x

I'm sorry that sounds so hard 💐

@MrsLizzieDarcy we love routine in this house. Dinner, bath, supper and bedtime is the same time every single night with a sensory play in between dinner and bath which normally consists of sand play, play doh, block building or on the days when weather is nice we manage to get to a park or garden play.

If we've had bad behaviour we dont do park time etc as bad behaviour isnt rewarded. Have tried the naughty step but DC just laughs and thinks its a game and when I sit with DC to explain that we use kind hands etc this can open the space for lashing out.

The "flying by the seat of your pants" comment made me chuckle. It really is, no amount of parenting could prepare you for parenting a SEN child because every day is different and unpredictable 💕

@Alia4 it is hard going. Some days are better than others and I would never change DC for the world, their little personality is admirable. Although some days (like today) I feel like an absolute failure and wonder where im going wrong 💕

💜 You sound like you're doing a great job in really difficult circumstances.

I'm glad you got some good advice and support @Mini1977