3.5 year old crying when leaving me - at the end of my tether

[bubbletubble]

My 3.5yo goes to nursery two days a week and drop offs have now become completely unmanageable!

She has been going for 2.5 years and had a few wobbles going in over this time, but since around January this year it has been horrendous. Every morning when she has nursery, she gets upset saying she doesn’t want to go in when I’ve asked her why, she says it’s that she doesn’t want to leave me.

I have been reassured by nursery that as soon as the door closes she’s absolutely fine. I’ve been sent photos of her and seconds after and she’s running in and playing fine. I struggle to get her to leave when I go and pick her up so I know she loves it there but she has a real anxiety with leaving me.

She absolutely adores her grandparents, but sometimes will be like that with them too, but not as bad. Again, as soon as I go to leave she gets really upset but settles within seconds once I’ve gone.

I have tried every which way to try and make drop-offs better, we’ve tried drawing little hearts on hands so she can rub them if she misses me, talked about what we can do when she gets home so she has something to look forward to, tried to make the journey to nursery really fun, tried a firmer approach and not pander to her when she’s getting upset (which has been hard) but absolutely nothing is helping.

anyone got some little words of advice of anything I could do to help this or is there a light at the end of the tunnel and this will miraculously improve? She is due to start school next year and I’m so worried that I’ll have to deal with this five days a week.

This morning I actually came home and sobbed as it’s just all getting a bit too much.

Sorry, just to add onto this she is a really bubbly outgoing child! Often the noisiest in the room and by no means shy not sure if that helps!

My also 3.5 year old is similar, loves it, hates leaving but she went through a tricky phase of being distraught when we were leaving her there in the morning! We never had to implement it as she suddenly got better (totally random) but we were going to assign someone specifically to meet her and take her off for "an exciting task" whether that be an activity/ book to choose for later etc.

I think the uncertainty of where to sit at breakfast was what set my DD off - she's really confident in lots of settings including there, but if her close friends aren't there when she arrives she can become unsure and shy. The only other thing is to do it as quick as possible!

There's a year until school, I'm sure she'll be fine ❤️

Transitions can be really hard for some children, and that transition from parent into nursery particularly tricky. I work at a nursery and bring multiple crying children into the setting at handover, who then are fine straight away, or fine with a cuddle, some reassurance and being told what’s happening/validating their feelings about being sad to leave care giver.
some children need a bit more time before coming in, and some parents like the quick handover and dash approach. I suggest the latter at its easiest for the little one. My advice would be not to eke it out at the door, don’t make a big deal about it - kiss and cuddle, handover and go. This is easier for everyone involved. She may be going through some sort of regression, or have some separation anxiety but she needs to go to nursery regardless. Does the nursery have an app on which you can message to find out how she’s doing? My daughter was unsettled leaving me right up until year 6, but she was fine once she hit secondary school. For some children this is just how it is, and as it’s not always be this way she is likely just more self aware now. Try not to over think it if I was you.

Thanks both for your advice.

The nursery are pretty good in the fact that we drop off at the door and I don’t go in with her and I definitely don’t eke it out. They just take her and bring her in and straight upstairs to her room.

Really hope it’s something she just grows out of as I have tried every which way and feel so awful practically shoving her through the door in the morning, I think it all just came to her head this morning as it has been nine months of non-stop battling and upset, and just felt really shit leaving her today 😢

@bubbletubbleI think it's harder for us in a way, she'll have forgotten all about it five mins in. I can assure you she won't be in therapy as an adult saying "my mum used to take me to nursery to have loads of fun. Disaster" 😂

So my daughter was like this at nursery and totally understand. She's started reception now and have it again! ( that's another story) but all of a sudden she grew out of it at nursery and went in fine. I try and look at it another way that you are such a fun and lovely mum they just like spending time at home. I'm not sure if the nursery will allow it but mine used to take something in from home to show her key worker and then it went back into her bag. It gave her a mission and excited to show her key worker so then she had a distraction! We didn't need the toy in the end, but the toy is now coming to reception instead 🤣

Thanks for giving my head a wobble 🤣 the nursery runs are now done for the week so let’s see what next week brings (much the same I suspect!)

I had this with my DS. It got so bad we tried another nursery (smaller setting, smiling welcoming teacher at the door at drop off who would tell him all the fun things planned) and he had no problem with me leaving whatsoever. We moved to that nursery and he has been fine ever since.

Are you a stay at home mum? If so, have you considered not sending your daughter to nursery for now?

@Eatallyshe’s gets upset when she’s left with my mum too, and she absolutely loves spending them with her 😥

@Growlybear83I’m working part time so needs must unfortunately!

Did she change rooms at Christmas? Do you do the drop off quickly? My only advice is to handover as quickly as possible and don’t draw out the bit where they get upset. My middle child was like this until they turned 4 and now it’s a distant memory.

It's a hard stage but she will be ok.

DD had to be peeled off me some days at nursery and reception, crying and screaming, but five minutes later they would phone to say she was playing happily.

She is 31 now, very capable and confident, she just laughs and says "Well, I'm not damaged by it.

So please don't worry too much.

Mine was a bit like this when she was younger but it actually helped going 5 days a week to preschool. It’s only anecdotal but the kids that struggle most at preschool drop off that I see are the ones only doing a couple of days there.

I did this, I remember doing it until about half way through nursery class so I would have been 3.5 - my poor mother! I couldn’t tell you why really I just wanted to be at home but would stop crying as soon as my mother left. Then I just grew out of it.
My eldest DD never did this but my youngest did go through phases of crying at drop off until the end of reception (not helped by Covid disruptions)

Thanks all, I’ll hopefully be able to update in a year and say it’s all a distant memory! 😝

My Dd2 was like this when l had to leave the house to go on night shifts .
She was like it from the time l went back to work from 1 year old, until she was about 7 years old. In the end l used to just leave and not prolong the agony . Lingering made her worse because it gave her the hope that l could stay .

Another one with a similar story.

playgroup would line up outside, go through the routine of hanging coat and bag up and finding his name on the apple tree then go clingy and sob

nursery at school was better with the occasional moan

then year one at the same school but transferred from the portocabin outside to the first floor class room in an Edwardian house. The headmistress and a TA wrested him off me for months. Now bear in mind he was the youngest of 4 so I’d done a fair bit of parenting before he came along so I wasn’t pandering to him and was fully on board with the prearranged wrestling arrangement.

I dropped him off at university recently - so you think I have heard from him ?

Same here with my Dd2 , she's off in the world living her best life and living 45 miles away from us now 😂