Do people still do playdates? How best to facilitate them?

[Winelover33]

So DS is in his third year of school and we really haven't had any playdates. He's been to lots of parties, goes to an after school club 2 days a week, attends a boys scouts group and football club so he has lots of opportunities for social interaction. However we've never been asked on a playdate or to meet up with anyone outside of school. Once we met someone at soft play and I asked another mum about meeting at the park but they were busy.
Not sure if it just happens to be his particular class or maybe me. I'm friendly enough with the other parents to say a quick hello but no real friends.
Any advice?

Have you actually invited anyone?
Pick a friend you know he plays with a lot, message the mum and ask if he’d like to come for a play after school one night next week and suggest the days you can do. You would pick both kids up, suggest they collect from yours about 6-6.30.

That said I think it is harder these days as so many kids do ASC and/or other activities that mean they have very few free evenings. We only really have Fridays but I do try to do one every other week.

Thank you, that's a great idea, like you we only have 1 day after school available but will see if it suits. I suppose part of me is worried about the parents saying no and feeling a bit silly but guess its something ill have to put up with

We do a good number of playdates, mainly it is the same few kids. One does reciprocal invites, the others don't - im not going to get the hump over that though, just happy my son has friends to play with. I just invite people he plays with most.

We don’t do them in the week because we both work but sometimes do them at the weekend. Not often but now and again.

He has a football club on Saturday which most of his class attend but was thinking maybe afterwards or the Sunday could be an option

Yeah that sounds like a good idea. We go to swimming lessons with a kid DD used to go to nursery with. Sometimes they play at one or the other house after. It’s all v casual ‘have you got plans this afternoon’? sort of thing

This is a good idea too! If you invite a school friend who also does football you could offer the weeknight you can do and after football as options.

Oh and I’ve never had anyone say no! A few can be tricky to pin down a date and we end up planning a few weeks in advance but if it’s a DC your kid regularly plays with and you’re suggesting a drop off so it’s no effort for the parents then most people will be keen :)

Play dates at this age happen when other parents need entertainment for their own children (you won’t be expected to attend or welcome really). If you aren’t already friends with the parents, everyone is beyond the wanting to make small talk stage of parenting.

You only have one day a week free, which frankly I’d use for some downtime at home, but if you want to have a play date, just ask another parent if Harry wants to come over at 4pm on Wednesday for a play date. You can offer to collect him from school or to drop him back home. This signals that you don’t expect the other parent to stay around, so they’ll be more keen because it’s free childcare.

You have to suggest them a bit also really. I wonder, if as it’s the third year, you maybe have given an impression of ‘not available for playdates’ (which is fine obviously, very many people can’t, but lots of people will therefore try to be mindful of not suggesting plans if they think your circumstances don’t allow).

One of the easier ‘ice breaker’ type playdates is more practical - basically food + childcare combo. So either after school for tea and play, or after football for pizzas (or similar), two hours max and you get to know people a bit that way

God no! My son had enough after school activities to attend where I had to interact with parents that were mostly stuck up! Having to actually make a date to see them in my free time sounds like a nightmare! Saying that I have my own small group of friends, and I don't like being part of a big group! My son has loads of friends, so this hasn't effected him at all!

That's a great opportunity. Get him to pick a friend, find their parent, say would he/she like to come to tea/lunch or whatever afterwards and you'd drop them home again? Loads of parents will jump at the offer if they can.

I don't think playdates are as much of a thing as in the past. Mainly due to kids having more after school activities and often both parents working. I am actually a stay at home Mum, but still find it difficult to fit in playdates, due to Dd's having so many hobbies, plus DH mainly working from home.

That said both Dd's have been asked and have gone on playdates. I have to admit I dread being asked as they are hard to fit in and even harder to recypricate. Maybe go at it from the angle of 'No worries if you're busy, but DS would love for X to come round for a playdate'. Don't be offended if it's not possible though.

Well we have playdates quite a lot. think this is a bit sad to 'dread' your child being asked to go to someone's house. It's been a real delight for me to see my DS and DD dress up/play/ sit and chat with their classmates. And yes they have 'hobbies' and I work full time.

We started doing regular playdates from age 6 onwards. I think it's sad that many children don't have time for them because they have so many activities outside school. Surely life is for socialising outside school, clubs and work?
I invite the children my kids ask me to invite. I don't expect parents to reciprocate every single invitation, but if an invitation is never reciprocated I stop inviting that child.

@Jesephone Bit harsh to call it sad, but ok. It's that every evening one or other (often both) my children are doing activities. They also both have Saturday morning hobbies. On top of that my eldest does a sport where she competes which can be either Saturday or Sunday. My youngest has Saturday afternoon matches. My youngest for example has one evening free, so she could go to her friends then, but we can't reciprocate. Youngest is with DH that evening while I take my oldest training. DH is WFH, so she'll sit and do quiet activities like spelling shed until he finishes work. Obviously we can't have a child round to play and expect them to sit quietly. And before I get accused of being a pushy parent, forcing my children to do lots of activities, their activities are very much their choice. In fact my youngest often comes up with new activities she'd like to do and we have to say no, as she just can't fit it in. The dread part is that I don't want other parents to take offense if I say we can't fit it in or get annoyed when I literally can't reciprocate.

However we do make an effort to do something with their best friends over the holidays. In fact with my youngest (who has 2 best friends) I am usually the one trying to organise getting the kids together.

Our experience is similar to @Plutotheplanet . Families work long hours and often aren't seeing their dc in the evening (the nanny puts them to bed). Weekends are often spent out of town (lots of families have another house outside London) or they have sports or music activities or parties for one dc or another through the day, so travelling to another child's house across town for drop off and pick up isn't possible, and they also need to fit in visits to family and enrichment activities like theatre/museum trips which are booked far ahead. School holidays are usually spent abroad or in activity camps as childcare needs to be covered, so having someone look after one dc for 2 hours is more of an inconvenience than helpful.

A lot of playdates are just spent playing with someone else's toys or watching tv while their parent wfh or does housework so it's not really much more beneficial compared to activities like sports training or music/drama opportunities, or having family trips out with an engaged parent.

I doubt you’re doing anything wrong. My DS has been in school 4 years and has had one playdate in that time. The kid was a bit strange and annoying so I haven’t invited him again. It just doesn’t seem to be the norm to have playdates where I am unless the parents are already friends.

We also only get 2 days a week to spend time together as a family, do all the housework, run errands and relax so trying to shoehorn a playdate into that isn’t very appealing. I think a lot of families are in the same boat.

Honestly, you have to just go for it. Force yourself to start asking people for play dates, suggest park trips after school, offer to have their kids (with or without parents). I find we are all so busy and trying to survive (especially those with multiple children, a baby or working mums) so as a part-time working OAD mum I offer first at the beginning and then it becomes equal naturally as you become friends. My life is hectic, but having one kid does mean it’s easier to host others and takes the pressure off them, which has helped me develop friendships a lot. I am very anxious and shy until I get to know people well, it was hard but the perseverance totally paid off - I have a wonderful community of mum (and dad) friends both in school and out of school (my girl just started Year 1). We moved to a new area 4 years ago and I felt lonely the first couple of years (Covid aftermath didn’t help) but now we feel so settled and I love the community we have around us, it feels like we won the lottery. Keep going, you will find your people!

DD is in her third year of school. I'm friendly but not 'friends' with any other parents but DD was invited on playdates with two friends last year and I was delighted, as were the parents when I reciprocated the invite. We've gone onto do a few playdates with DD's best friend, mainly on a weekend.

I'd ask your DS for the names of kids he would like to come and play (or take to the park etc) and send out a text or two. Most parents would jump at a bit of kid free time...

It’s hardly surprising your child hadn’t been asked on any play dates if you’ve never hosted any, and regarded a single person being busy as some kind of rejection. You don’t need to be friends with the other parents. I worked FT when DS was that age, seldom did the school run and woukd barely have recognised the other parents. I would periodically WFH and invite several kids DS liked over at once after school. Sometimes parents stayed for a coffee, sometimes mot.

My son is in Y4 do play dates quite regularly (1-2 time month maybe, sometimes a flurry of them, then nothing for a few weeks). Generally the same few kids from school, some we knew from the street already, some not.

I'd ask your child for a few names and message their parents with some suggested dates for a play and tea after school. I think most people are very happy to be invited and it can help deepen friendships in school.

Quite a few people reciprocate, but not everyone can. Sometimes it just doesn't work with work hours/othe activities or they may not have the space etc, I wouldn't take that to heart though. If your child enjoys having them round and their friend enjoys coming round that's the main thing!

Thank you so much for all the responses, interesting to see how varied it is, probably depending on area and work etc. I think the easiest thing is probably to invite one of his close friends to do something at the weekend, theres a few local events and hopefully a parent would enjoy a few child free hours! Wish me luck

I would try to do 1-2-1 play dates as three is a crowd and just do a couple of hours.

Just ask your kid who they would like to invite over then message the parents and offer to pick them up from school together. DD has stuff on every day after school but quite a few of her friends go to the same things so I'll offer to grab them from school, take them home, let them play and feed them then drop them off at brownies/dance/football or whatever and their parent picks them up after.