weekday single mum

[fififlores]

hello

my DH works away from home during the week (early Mon am to Fri eve), and while I am lucky enough that my DS goes to nursery every morning so I can work from home, the rest of the day is long and hard. OK, I´m not a single parent financially, and we have a reasonable house, but I get sooooo fed up of doing all the feeding and changing myself, especially as DS is 20.5 months and a feeding nightmare. And short-tempered (me). Weekends aren´t much better, as DH finds many excuses to kill moles, mow lawn etc so guess who carries on with childcare.

So my question is - any good coping strategies? Playgrounds are good, but removing child from them without a screaming fit is always complicated. What do you do when you get knackered/pissed off/depressed/lonely?

Not sure I have brilliant tips but finding other mothers I got on with helped me. Long walks with the buggy when I am too pissed off to play nicely. I also beg and plead with gparents to stay or have us over.
Can you have a word with DH about relative importance of time with moles and DS?

Have you checked out if there are any toddler groups in your area? Have you met other mums? Summer is almost here, you'll find it easier if you can get out lots. It depends where you live but I go out for walks almost every afternoon, meet up with other mums, go for coffee in the park while the little ones kick a ball, go to the library, and spend very little time at home. If we're here DCs play outside. Basically, the feeding/washing/all the other boring stuff you will have for many years to come. Sorry, it's a bit of a wake up call, but the job is never done.

Have been there, quite recently. (We actually just moved so dh was closer to work). It is draining - dh did come home every night, but not til about 11 or 12, so I was pretty much on my own, but still had all his washing to do - his stuff is about half of my total laundry.
Coping wise, I'm a routine person. Had to get kids in bed by 7-ish, because that's when my tolerance level runs out. We have an absolute unbreakable rule in our house - when we say "that's the last one / programme/ push on the swing" it really is. Leaving parks etc, I give a five minute warning, sometimes a one minute warning, then we go. Do not stand at the edge of the park and shout ineffectually "come on Charlie, we're going now" when you're obviously not. Give a warning, then go. If child won't go, pick him up, put him in pushchair, whatever. It will only take a few times of doing this before he gets the message. Try and get out in the afternoons, do you have much of a social circle? Going for a coffee at a friend's house can be a life-saver, kids are easier to look after when they have a friend, and you can go to the loo by yourself.

Kill moles

Thanks everyone. There is an English-speaking mum and baby group I go to sometimes (I live in Spain). Thanks for the playground tip, yes I am totally one to stand there saying ´´come on, we´re going´´ and the palaver involved in getting DS into his pushchair put me off going again! Must do long walks too, but am very very lazy as we have garden, so just end up staying here - think this is part of the problem - not walking distance from anything interesting. Also trying to sort out swimming classes - any kind of activity that is paid for in advance and therefore cannot be missed through sheer indolence!

There was a really good thread about weekday single mumming quite recently. Might be worth a search.

My rule is never let a day go past without adult social interaction. It's hard work and you have to be quite proactive - accosting people in the park etc - but it's worth it because it's your sanity, basically! So it might mean I have a friend over for wine in the evening, but more usually it means I've got to sort out a playdate/mother and toddler activity/swimming group every day. Often playdates are based around meals - tea or lunch at neighbour's house with their kids, picnic in the park etc.

[Eating with other children really helps kids with eating issues too, btw! And it can help you to see other kids just as awful as yours! Also means you share ghastly clearing up with other mums. I call time between coming home from afternoon activity and washing up supper the Arsenic Hour as that's the time of day I'd be most likely to slip some into my tea...]

Also, unless I've got something really special planned for my supper, I generally eat with my kids now. It means I don't have to cook and wash up TWICE. Also means my blood sugar levels okay for last push towards bed time!

I mostly lurk on MN when feeling knackered/pissed off/depressed!

If it makes you feel better, am in exactly same boat - singleparenttastic from Mon to Fri, with a 20 month old daughter and I work for myself so some nursery sessions.

Agree that routine really helps and the early warning system. Also I'm becoming almost immune to tantrums and far less immune to other people's raised eyebrows at my daughter screaming blue murder.

I try and do a reasonable amount of organised stuff in the week, I find this really takes the pressure off - tumble tots, waterbabies, MAD Academy - all are fairly sociable and it means we have regular stuff that we do week by week. Also when I'm absolutely knackered, I'm not dreaming up new entertainment - it's already fixed up. Sorry if this makes me sound like a lazy moo, but there's plenty of time in a long week for all the usual weird and wonderful toddler entertaining games!

hatcam, you´re right. I will get off my lazy arse and join some groups - not many organised activities and no softplay here, but there is one really good place I tried once so will revisit it.

the only people´s houses I´ve been to are other English mums, but they don´t live in my immediate area, so I guess I need to get to know some local Spanish mums!

Doesn't matter whose house, just go there - and get them into yours. You can keep yourself sane...

Firstly to cope I find a routine works.
Secondly go out every day. I just got a job as an Avon lady which makes me go out with the pram everyday. The fresh air helps DD and I feel abit better.
Thirdly - find things to do each day (Not just housework) Go swimming, baby clubs, etc etc.
Fourthly - You may not feel like it but make sure you keep your house tidy as you'll find you feel better if you're not looking at say a pile of laundry thinking that's just HAS to be done.

FINALLY - GET YOUR DH TO HELP WHEN HE'S AT HOME. EVEN IF ITS JUST FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS WHILE YOU GO DO SOMETHING JUST FOR YOU

Hurrah! Finally got the swimming classes sorted out - twice a week - that should make life a bit easier. You can´t take little kids to public pools here, and only two places do kids´ classes where I live, but you they won´t let you be in the pool with the child - you can´t even watch. Not ideal, but at least you know they´re getting one to one attention from a specialist teacher.

I can relate to this as DH works long hours and only sees DD at breakfast time, Mon-Fri.

On weekends we seem to spend a lot of time apart, me doing housework while he plays with DD, and him doing gardening while I play with DD. It's crappy but we can't afford a cleaner.

I make a point of getting out every day, meeting up with mums I've met, going swimming or to rhyme time or play groups. One day a week I prefer not to plan anything, so I can mooch around at home and catch up on jobs.

It can be boring and soul destroying. I sometimes wish I worked part time (but am still bf 9 month old so that would be tricky) not only to have some time "off" (ha ha) but also to have some money of my own.

I go for a walk, sometimes two, every single day, no matter how foul the weather is. I'd go crazy if I didn't.

I've found having a baby is a great ice breaker, and I've made friends with mums of babies a similar age at swimming, baby cafe, GPs waiting room... It's hard to make the first move but in my experience other mums are glad if you break the ice. For the first time, after 5 years in this town, I feel I know people and I nearly always run into people I know in the street. It's a pity we have to move away and start from scratch. But I feel braver than I used to about making friends.

Once you've met one or two people, going to each other's houses can be great. The kids can play with each other, and the mums can have some adult time. Even though DD is only 9 months old, I can see this is already a good thing, plus she enjoys seeing other toys!

Can you agree that Saturday mornings will be "your time" and you'll leave DS with your DH and go off and do something just for you?

The swimming lesson yesterday was a great success, and DS was zonked when we got back, so I had an hour or so to myself, which had an amazingly restorative effect - I came out of my funk and am generally feeling much better. Stil have to work on DH to take the look after DS more at weekends - being Spanish, he has to ´´go for a coffee´´ every morning and most afternoons, which takes an hour or so, with me left thinking, why can´t I just bugger off whenever I fancy, and leave DS with him? Cultural differences perhaps. Anyone else got a Latin DH?

Hi

I can sympathise, my DH works away during the week and we live in France (he is French) I have 3 DS's (twins aged 5 and baby aged 1) and it is a real rush to get everyone out and organised during the week. But it is important for my sanity to have adult coversations (whether in French or English, I'll accept any!) and to have some time with DH at the weekend or alone. You are very nice to your DH, when my DH comes home he really takes over and I take a back seat even if I am still in the house. I try to get to the gym at least once at the week and he always says that I look better for it when I come back (I think he means happier rather than fitter!)Could you perhaps have a chat about the importance of some time to do your thing so that you are fully refreshed for the week ahead? Best of luck