Ex's lack of comms or consistency

[janiejonstone]

I know this is a tale as old as time and there isn't really anything I can do about it, just need to rant and get some moral support from those also struggling with this. My ex husband walked out on me and out 8 year old daughter a year ago. Completely out of the blue, horrible divorce.

Up until he left, he was a genuinely great dad. Spent loads of time with our daughter, did school dropoffs and trips, fully engaged in parenting etc. He travelled a lot for work and always made sure to check in with us every evening and make up the time with dd when he was back.

When we first separated he suggested a parenting plan that included him doing two school dropoffs a week, a whole day each weekend, two weeks in the summer plus two half terms and at least one evening a week. He stuck to this for about three months. Since the start of this year he's steadily reduced his time with her. The situation now is that he sees her for four hours on a Saturday. That's it. He has no contact with her outside that time. He hasn't done a single school drop off, holiday day, evening or overnight since January. I have to cover all school holidays, but he doesn't confirm this until the last day of term which I find unbelievably stressful.

He regularly pulls out of agreed arrangements or changes the time at short notice. On one occasion this has happened while he's been with her and he's sent me a message saying that he needs me to come back an hour earlier than agreed. This often coincides with me trying to hold a boundary around the financial side of the divorce or about his behaviour towards me which has been unpleasant.

I'm really nervous that if I try to hold firmer boundaries around consistency he will stop seeing our daughter entirely, which would be devastating for her. I have tried a few times this year to set some rules around it, e.g. he has to give me at least two weeks notice if he can't do a particular weekend. But he ignores all of this and I have no way to hold him to it. I'm left with the option of saying that's the timeslot and if he can't make it then it's too late to rearrange and he won't see her that week (which he will then blame me for) or to rearrange things myself so that it's ok.

Today I really reached the end of my tether. Our arrangement for Saturdays in term time is that I drop her off at a theatre class at 10am, he picks her up at 1 and takes her home, and I get back at 5. This works for everyone as it gives her a buffer between us and I get a longer break. He has been away for the past two weekends so hasn't seen her for a while. I reminded him of the timings a fortnight ago and asked him to confirm, then sent two follow-up messages this week. All ignored (but read). I had to set off with her at 9.45 to get to the class not knowing whether he would pick her up or not. He eventually confirmed at five minutes to 10.

It's unacceptable behaviour and I now understand it as a form of coercive control. But I'm at a loss as to how to respond to it that doesn't result in my daughter losing what little time she has with him.

Update: as I was writing this post I got a call from him saying the builders at his flat have made a hole in the ceiling and he needs to sort it out so can't pick her up from her class after all.

If he doesn't want to be with her I'd not want her with him though. Imagine being around a parent who shows you they don't want to be around you?

So unbelievably selfish of him. Just wondering if you’ve found the Relationship section yet? There are some MNers in there who are experiencing similar

My ex was great when we split up 7 years ago, had her 5 nights out of 14, and now hasn't seen DD since May. Honestly, although this wouldn't have been my choice (I really really wanted her to have a great relationship with her Dad and step family) its so much easier and less stressful. Yes, I have to do (and pay for) everything but neither she or I are being messed about, and she's no longer unsure about where she's meant to be and when. He managed to send her a birthday card, although no present, and that was a tricky conversation but he's hardly mentioned now unless I ask how she's doing specifically about the situation.

I have no idea how it'll play out in the future, but for now, really, its easier on both of us

I can really understand that, the weekends where I know he won't see her are so much more relaxed for both of us. This summer was knackered doing the whole thing by myself, but easier than the back and forth of the previous year. But I really worry about the long-term implications of him disappearing from her life and how it'll shape her view of love and men and all sorts of things. I find his rejection of her heartbreaking.

I know, it's awful. He's very enthusiastic and (to my ears sickly) sweet with her when he's here. But it's all surface level. She's already said to me that she finds it very awkward to talk to him because he feels like a stranger.

I'm the same. However I did post on here ages ago while it was all spiralling, asking what was worse; a crap parent or no parent, and the consensus was that a bad parent was worse. She's happier, life is more stable, we will deal with future issues when they arise. That's the best I can do for her.

I hope your DD is ok with it all, and you both find some peace

Absolutely stick to your boundaries. Do not remind him of things. Do not dance around rearranging things. Your dd is not stupid. It very much sounds like she knows what’s going on and has already expressed her discomfort about their relationship. That’s of his making, not because you didn’t try hard enough.

I had a disinterested dad. I never had a single overnight with him. I can honestly only remember once or twice when he even took me out for the day. Our contact was my mum driving me to meet him somewhere, supervising, and driving me home. Eventually I maybe saw him for my birthday, sometime around Christmas, maybe for Easter if his family hosted, big life events. I knew exactly what he was like and was very grateful to not have to see him more. I tolerated the few times I year I politely had to see him, but definitely didn’t feel like I was missing out. I don’t look back now wishing I’d seen him more.

I learned an awful lot about relationships though from it all. My mum modelled great boundaries and I’m a very boundaried person who is not a people pleaser. I have a really healthy marriage and healthy relationships with my kids (my dad died long ago and only showed vaguely more interest in me in the last weeks of his life). Your dd will learn what to tolerate from men by what you model is acceptable for her. Don’t protect him or feel you have to dance around hiding what he’s really like for her benefit.

Thanks so much for this. It's a way of looking at it that I hadn't considered before - that I can model to her what a healthy relationship looks like it holding firm boundaries on what's acceptable.