Ex is drastically reducing time she spends with our son, but still expects me to call it 50/50

[Malam]

So myself and my ex separated last June after I discovered her cheating. She now lives between her dad's and her girlfriends houses, but doesn't get on with her dad. Meanwhile her girlfriend doesn't want our son living at her house during her weeks. My ex is also extremely narcissistic, she will blame everyone but herself when things go wrong, and guilt people into feeling sorry for her. This extends even to our 3 year old.

She is very much the opposite of myself with regards to parenting, I'm more patient with my son and prefer explaining and showing him why he shouldn't do certain things or act in certain ways. And I like to use praise to reinforce this, which has worked for me. He's relaxed and generally very well behaved with me. He's no angel by any means, but then he's also 3 years old. Meanwhile she never has a positive thing to say about him, and regularly insults him while he's listening. And then there's the shouting, it hurts my ears, so it's definitely going to hurt a 3 year olds. This has been a thing since he was around 1, and when we were together I simply used to take him out all the time when I wasn't working. Which I think is the reason I didn't pick up on it sooner.

Well, now she has decided for reasons that are all related to his behaviour and her not sleeping due to his behaviour, that he should stay with me permanently. Which I am more than happy with, as I can at least then provide him with more stability. But the kicker is, she's declared that this isn't that big of a thing and the only thing that's changing is where he sleeps. So therefore she believes the 50/50 co parent plan is still in place.

Baring in mind she's decided she won't be taking him to school or picking him up from school, works Saturdays, so will likely only see him on Sundays. I'm trying to remain as civil as possible to ensure that she does this, but also I need her to acknowledge that this is nowhere near 50/50. I'm at a loss as to how a parent can do this to their child in general, but she's essentially asking me to raise our son alone while she gives no personal or financial input. Yet still wants to go to parents evenings, and keep the monthly child benefit in her name for when she has him. She's actively attempting to secure a flat through her universal credit, with the fact she has a child being what is speeding the process up.

But the thing is, if I push on this, I believe she'll go back to our previous week by week plan out of spite. I'm tired of pandering to her delusion that she is some kind of victim in all of this, while my son has spent the last 5 weeks with me. She hasn't contacted to ask how he is, how his first few weeks of pre-school have been or anything. Then decided to pick him up today to drop him off at mine (2 minutes drive) and immediately started shouting at him for not listening to her first time.

I'm at my wits end, she's done nothing that I can claim is abuse. But I feel like she's only wanting him for the sympathy factor and the benefits, all the while completely undermining his self confidence. He doesn't even ask to see her anymore, which despite all of this, is heart breaking. I can't find any way to approach this in a legal manner without her being in full agreement. So I'm left to essentially allow her to use him for her gain while having nothing to do with him. I don't know if anyone has experienced similar that can offer advice? Cause I'm struggling with this.

Why does it matter if she calls it 50/50?

Take her to court for child maintenance payments and formalise the access.

You need to get a child arrangement order in place ASAP and contact the CMS and ask for their support in calculating her financial contributions. CMS is calculated on overnight stays only. It doesn't matter how much time you spend with them during the day, its where they sleep that counts.
Child support is also paid to the primary carer which you seem to now be so she is in essence, claiming benefits fraudulently espnif basing her accommodation around this.
Don't expect her to take this laying down though. Courts will award access on what is based around the child's best interest, not what the parents think is fair or right. Your son has the right to see both parents equally so this is usuallythe starting point unless one parent can prove the child is better residing with them the majority of the time due to work commitments, safeguarding issues etc.
It'll be costly emotionally and financially so buckle up and be prepared. Get a VERY good barrister and do you homework

@BusWankers because she is using her son to get child benefit, universal credit & a higher place on the housing waiting list. Yet has no interest in seeing him. If OP tries to out her then she will continue this charade just to make the council house her. Meanwhile she shouts at a little boy. OP doesn’t want his ex to spend time with him (understandably).

I would apply for a Child Arrangements order too.

Are you a Woman OP? If you are then Rights of Women can be very useful.

It isn’t in any way fair but you have to continue to prioritise the well-being of your child. I think I would play the long game. Agree to whatever she wants to call it. Go along with it and keep your little one with you. Let her get used to her freedom and whatever else she has. Later you can sort out the access and financial situation once your little one is settled and established with you.

So, I would play a slightly longer game here. She just wants 50/50 to get the child benefit and UC claim, right? So if you go to court she will ask for 50/50 and likely get it.

Go with what she wants for now. Have your child live with you full time, and see her once a week or less. Let that roll on for a couple of years until it is an established pattern. Keep a record of when she sees him. Go to court once you have a couple of years of her doing nothing with him as evidence.

Re: maintenance from her, if she is on UC you won’t be getting much from her anyway so honestly I’d ignore that part.

Claim the child benefit yourself. This will stop her UC payments for him. She can still apply for a house large enough for both of them without being the main carer. Of course she should come to parents evenings etc. She does still have parental responsibility for DS.

I'd say though that no amount of money is worth your child's mental health, so whatever you do, bear that in mind.

Agree with others. Play the long game, get the pattern of her seeing him x1 a week established, keep a log and messages that show this.

In s couple of years when he's at school, go to court, get it formalised, go to cms.

If you can manage without the cb for now do so. Or if she wants to call it 50/50 ask if she'll split it 50/50.

This. Forget going to court. It's recommended all the time on here but people don't seem to realise it's a bloody awful process, extremely slow and stressful and rarely ends up with the outcome you want. Better to let this become the status quo before attempting any kind of formal arrangement. I raised my DS mostly alone with no financial support from his father and it sucks but if it's what you have to do then so be it.

She has a housing problem. If she gets housed she may go back to 50/50 again.

Was she a good mum before all this?

You need to protect the child. Going to court with all your evidence is crucial. You need full custody.

She is just another parent (one of many on Mumsnet) using their children as a gateway to more and more benefits.

Yep, these posts are correct.

The OP isn't going to 'get full custody' (that doesn't exist in law anyway) by going to court.

Honestly play the long game. No child deserves to be raised by an angry, shouty parent. If you can afford to let this become the established pattern. Court is incredibly tough and expensive process.

My situation wasn’t exact same but I did sacrifice chasing maintenance for my child’s welfare. My ex wasn’t directly abusive towards DC but honestly it was so tough on DC being around an angry, parent who was so critical.