The school run

[Labmum321]

My LO starts school next September. I’ve read many comments across various social media sites saying how cliquey the parents can be at drop off and pick up, and that they’re judgemental and love a gossip. I’ve also read many horror stories about parents having beef with each other! Is this a common experience? Is it a case of get in and out asap or does it pay to be friendly and make an effort?

I would love to know your experience and advice you would give.

My daughter has just started year 1 and whilst I wouldn't say there are cliques as such but there are probably 3-4 groups of school mums in my daughters class of 30. They aren't static and there are 2 of those groups where I would say I'd feel comfortable having casual conversations with and we arrange playdates these cover about 10 of 30 children in the class. It's loosely who's children play with one another and also who lives near one another. There are 4-5 parents who we see on the walk to and from school and we often walk back together and stop for coffee once or twice a month. These mum's have been absolute lifeline since I lost my job.

Where are you reading these opinions? SM? Maybe get off of it, smile and approach people with an open mind.

They’re particularly prevalent on Mn, which is where I assume the OP is reading them, but I think that’s just because Mn has a disproportionate number of posters who struggle with friendships or any kind of environment wgich brings them into regular contact with other people.

OP, as I seem to say so often on here, ‘school parents’ aren’t some alien tribe. They are a random selection of human beings with children of school-going age whose children are at the same school as yours. You will be a ‘school mum’ the moment your child starts reception. I can assure you that you won’t undergo a sudden personality change that means you form cliques and start getting into fights in the playground.

I see this on social media too, but it has never been my experience of mums at school. We're now onto the third year of knowing each other and unless I've been totally oblivious, there's never been a drama or anyone judging anyone else. There's a whatsapp group which is pretty tame - we help each other out where we can and someone will always know an answer to a question. We all have a chat at parties, some do playdates etc, some are quieter than others and like to get in and out at pickup, some will stop for a chat, but there is no cliqueyness or unkindness at all. My second child has just started and I'm yet to get a feel of the group - there hasn't yet been a party or anything, but the mums I've spoken to seem perfectly friendly too. Just be friendly to everyone, and don't ever get involved in any fallings out your child may have - if you fall out with other mums over silly squabbles the kids have had, the children will be friends again the next day, but adults can hold a grudge!

Go in with an open mind OP. I made some nice friends among the school mums.

For me the school run has been like revisiting my school days and part of that is projection on my part and part of it is, yes there are cliques that form that can make you feel excluded.

Like a lot of social situations it'll be luck as to who is in the mix and whether you will meet parents on your wavelength. Bear in mind that things change too - I had a rough couple of years at the school gate but this year, more parents have joined who I already knew outside of school which is making it much more pleasant.

I've never had a problem, I walk in and say good morning to people. If they talk to me great, if they don't that's also fine. Some people already know each other and they stand around talking, that's also fine. You might meet people you like, you might not. Some people are keen to make friends, some aren't. You don't need to overthink it it's just a normal part of life.

My sons are now 19 and 20 and tonight I am meeting up with 2 friends I made on the school run.

There was some beef among others but generally the school mums and dads where I live were lovely.

In my experience it's a load of made up nonsense created for chick-lit novels, BBC comedy and threads on Mumsnet.

This. It's just people, the same as you get anywhere eg work, hobbies.

I think everyone's experience is different.
It's not always a bad experience, and you might well find you form some very close friendships.

My experience with DD was positive. It wasn't cliquey in the slightest.
There weren't any groups as such. Everyone was just included.
I did make one close friend who I am still in touch with.

With DS (five years later) it was a completely different experience.
His year group formed a large group of mum friends. They regularly met up with the kids, organised activities for school holidays etc.
There were about five of us within the class who just didn't fit in for whatever reason. I'm an introvert and really struggle with big groups. The group became well established and it became impossible to talk to them without feeling I was invading their space.
The few parents who weren't involved tended to be those who rarely did pick ups due to work commitments, so I was very much on my own.
As time went on though I learnt to care less and less. I just kept myself to myself and focused on my other friendships (not school related).

Cliques is open to interpretation. One person’s clique is someone else’s group of people that already know each other e.g. kids went to the same nursery, older kids in the same class, neighbours etc.

I personally think it’s nice to make conversation and have a friendly chat if you arrive early. You will see the same faces regularly for the next 6 years. Some you might click with, others it’s just about passing the time at birthday parties. Either way nothing to be lost by being friendly if you have the time. Equally if you’re rushing off to work and/or collect siblings that’s also fine. Personally I don’t think it’s a big deal either way!

Never had beef, dramas etc. thank god! I imagine that’s more fodder for the Motherland writers than most people’s everyday experience.

It feels a bit cliquey at first when you’re standing there awkwardly, knowing no one and other people are in small groups. Then you get to know a couple of faces, and next thing you’re in one of those groups.

Some people have a wider radar for what’s going on around them and are more inclusive, and smile a bit. Others are just a bit caught up. Some people happily respond to a friendly overture, others just want to collect their dc and not interact. Don’t take it personally, because it isn’t personal.

Occasionally there’s a bit of drama on a WhatsApp group but if you keep in mind that it’s just a tool to stay on top of what’s happening and not really a place for chats or sharing opinions or organising parties.

The pta dms come in for particular criticism in films and books, but ime it’s more likely that other dps are avoiding them in case they get roped into volunteering for something.

it’s just like any situation where you put a group of people together and some get on more than others.
My DS is in year 1 now so I’ve had just over a year of it, I’d say my experience is mixed, I knew some of the mums before through nursery etc, but I don’t necessarily see them very often because my DS does breakfast club 3 days a week, so I do sometimes feel a little ‘out of the loop’ and maybe missing out on the after school park meet up type thing. Plus I think one of the mums dislikes me, and the feelings actually mutual, I just don’t think gel, but she’s about to have a baby so hopefully she won’t be around as much soon.
On the other hand there’s not really any cliques that make you feel uncomfortable, a lot of mums stand on their own and don’t always drop off, sometimes it’s GPs etc, so I would honestly try not to worry.