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Original poster

A bit of a rant

15 replies

Mamaatwork · 16/09/2025 17:54

Hi all,

I am on here for a bit of a rant about my husbands ex. We share a DD and he has a daughter as well.

I am due to have my DSD for new year this year from Wednesday to Sunday and we have decided to go to Disneyland Paris for something a bit different. I let her mum know as we are going to be out of the country and she said we can’t take her away for an important holiday. I was really upset but told my husband we would go Sunday night until Thursday morning earlier in the week with our daughter. Her mum has told us we can’t go without her daughter as it’s unfair and makes my husband a bad dad.

I also sent through our summer holiday plans for 14 days in Mexico (we take her away every year so didn’t think there would be an issue we took her to Japan this year). I arranged it so it went mainly over our days so wasn’t missing too much time with daughter. She came back saying she doesn’t want her away for that long as we can only go for a maximum of 1 week. As much as I hate it I said that after flying we would only have 5 days there and wasn’t enough and might have to go without her. Again I got the same, it’s not fair to go without her so we can’t go.

I know she is her mum but I feel like she is controlling my life.

OP posts:
MCF86 · 16/09/2025 21:25

Why are you the one dealing with her rather than the father of her child, what are the normal arrangements and how old is the daughter? All would influence my response!

Original poster
Mamaatwork · 16/09/2025 21:53

MCF86 · 16/09/2025 21:25

Why are you the one dealing with her rather than the father of her child, what are the normal arrangements and how old is the daughter? All would influence my response!

We deal with everything together. She is my family not just my husbands daughter. Our usual arrangements are every Thursday to Sunday without fail but this year we are having her from the Wednesday for new year as her mum is going out to a New Year’s party.
She is 9 currently.

OP posts:
MCF86 · 16/09/2025 23:23

By "dealing with her" I meant your step daughters mother. Just thought maybe she wouldn't be so argumentative about it if she was talking to the other person that has parental responsibility as he has as much right as she does, or he may feel more able to say "this is what we are doing at new year because you asked us to have her longer, it's on you whether daughter has to miss out on that opporunity"! Plenty of parents seem to enjoy making life difficult for their ex's new spouse unfortunately, so I just wondered if that plays a part.

How long did you go to Japan for? I do understand her not wanting her daughter away for two whole weeks. Then I assumed that Japan would have been longer than a week - but maybe that's when she realised she's not ok with it!

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Willthiswork12 · 16/09/2025 23:26

She doesn't dictate your holiday plans. Either she wants her daughter to go on these plans you've made or she doesnt and if she doesn't then her daughter stays home with her.

She cant have it both ways.

MotherhoodIsHaaaard · 17/09/2025 00:29

She can't have it both ways. You go away with your DD and DH tells DSD her mum didn't approve of her going along. See how that pans out.

Original poster
Mamaatwork · 17/09/2025 05:58

MCF86 · 16/09/2025 23:23

By "dealing with her" I meant your step daughters mother. Just thought maybe she wouldn't be so argumentative about it if she was talking to the other person that has parental responsibility as he has as much right as she does, or he may feel more able to say "this is what we are doing at new year because you asked us to have her longer, it's on you whether daughter has to miss out on that opporunity"! Plenty of parents seem to enjoy making life difficult for their ex's new spouse unfortunately, so I just wondered if that plays a part.

How long did you go to Japan for? I do understand her not wanting her daughter away for two whole weeks. Then I assumed that Japan would have been longer than a week - but maybe that's when she realised she's not ok with it!

Yes we talk for the mum together. She often avoids my husband all together. But it was him who text her I’m just feeling the brunt.

We went to Japan for three weeks. We’ve taken her away for at least 2 weeks for the last 7 years.

OP posts:
GreekHorse · 17/09/2025 06:01

Ageee with pp - make sure your DSD knows it’s her mum stopping you or she will feel rejected

Chickslicky · 17/09/2025 06:08

I'd stop contacting her and let all communication go through the girl's parents. Yes, be adaptable, but if she won't give permission she doesn't get to go. You can't put you life on hold. This might need to be what happens, even though there might be tears.

Kurkara · 17/09/2025 07:25

Is there any chance this is actually coming from your step daughter? Three weeks away from mum is a long time for an eight or nine year old girl. Maybe the trip to Japan was too much for her and you all need to put the breaks on a bit.

Original poster
Mamaatwork · 17/09/2025 09:19

Kurkara · 17/09/2025 07:25

Is there any chance this is actually coming from your step daughter? Three weeks away from mum is a long time for an eight or nine year old girl. Maybe the trip to Japan was too much for her and you all need to put the breaks on a bit.

I’d be incredibly surprised if it was. She didn’t want to leave when we were in Japan and wanted to stay longer. Going away at summer is her favourite thing to do. She is much closer with her dad than her mum as she sees her dad every weekend and only sees her mum when she’s at school.

Plus it doesn’t explain why she won’t let us go to France for new years when it is our days with her anyway.

My husband thinks it’s jealousy as she doesn’t work and we like to go away. She chooses to go away without her daughter as it’s cheaper, went to Italy in the Summer and is going to Bulgaria in October half term with her BF. We aren’t allowed to go without her though as it’s not fair.

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 17/09/2025 09:29

OP, if she won’t let you take her DD to Disneyland, then take your own DD and tell your DSD in no uncertain terms that you would LOVE to be able to take her, but her mother has forbidden it. TBH, I don’t see how her mother can forbid it when it’s your days - surely you can do whatever you like? If there is some legal reason you can’t go without her permission, then go to Centerparcs - I assume she wouldn’t be able to stop you from doing that? I’d also tell the DSD about Mexico. I’m sure your DSD will speak to her DM and tell her that she wants to come. You simply can’t be held hostage like this, particularly as the DM goes on holiday without her DD.

(edited for typo)

Original poster
Mamaatwork · 17/09/2025 10:58

sesquipedalian · 17/09/2025 09:29

OP, if she won’t let you take her DD to Disneyland, then take your own DD and tell your DSD in no uncertain terms that you would LOVE to be able to take her, but her mother has forbidden it. TBH, I don’t see how her mother can forbid it when it’s your days - surely you can do whatever you like? If there is some legal reason you can’t go without her permission, then go to Centerparcs - I assume she wouldn’t be able to stop you from doing that? I’d also tell the DSD about Mexico. I’m sure your DSD will speak to her DM and tell her that she wants to come. You simply can’t be held hostage like this, particularly as the DM goes on holiday without her DD.

(edited for typo)

Edited

No legal reason, we just feel it’s best to let her know we will be out of the country. We have the passport and everything because she doesn’t take her away.

OP posts:
travelallthetime · 17/09/2025 11:05

France border control do ask questions, however, if you all share the same surname then I would just go. If not, a quick trip to court will resolve the disneyland issue (and there is no need for solicitors to do this) and it can be done relatively quickly.
Mexico, a bit different as it is in her time too. If you have taken her in the past then I would also apply to court for this one too. Its a pain in the arse but really doesnt need to be expensive

Original poster
Mamaatwork · 17/09/2025 11:21

travelallthetime · 17/09/2025 11:05

France border control do ask questions, however, if you all share the same surname then I would just go. If not, a quick trip to court will resolve the disneyland issue (and there is no need for solicitors to do this) and it can be done relatively quickly.
Mexico, a bit different as it is in her time too. If you have taken her in the past then I would also apply to court for this one too. Its a pain in the arse but really doesnt need to be expensive

She has the same surname as me and my husband so never had any issues before.
As much as I hate it I would go without her but she said we can’t because we have to be there on our days. So if she won’t let us take her then I’ll never get to go on holiday again.

OP posts:
Tam285 · 17/09/2025 11:50

I think you need to calmly tell the mum that either you book for while dd is with you or you book when she's not with you. It doesn't make the dad a bad dad if the mum won't let her go. Why does dd need to be around for New Years eve if mum isn't seeing her anyway?

I worry about dd being caught in the middle of this though or her mum using it to turn dd against you. I think I'd go to court to get an agreement that you can take her away on future trips. It sounds like something has changed and she might be starting to get difficult for some reason.

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