Used Donor Eggs? Please share your psychological experience

[SunsetVibe]

Hi everyone.

Those that have kids from donor eggs, please could you share your psychological journey? Was it an easy decision for you or was it quite confusing and difficult to come to terms with?
Do you ever look at your child and have any thoughts around it (like wondering what traits they inherited from donor, do you ever feel sad if they don't look like you, do you ever worry if it will affect their sense of identity, etc etc)?

Also, does the child actually look fairly similar to you?
And did you tell other people or kept it a secret?

It would be helpful to hear others' experiences as I might need to consider it if I ever want to have a child but not sure how I feel yet.

Hello @SunsetVibeand I’m sorry that you haven’t had any responses.

I’m just wondering if you would get more responses of you posted in the infertility section?

Easy
Yes
No but strong resemblance to DH
We've always been open about it.

I can recommend googling ‘paths to parenthub’, there’s a whole supportive community waiting for you there x

We have a beautiful 12 year old daughter conceived abroad through IVF donor egg.
Previously, we had tried in my late 30s with my own eggs followed by a miscarriage & no transfer in the 2nd cycle. As a result, I felt that I could not expose myself to the pain of another failed cycle, so we decided not to try again.
Then in my 40s with a year of therapy, we decided to try using donor eggs.
My 1st cycle was the perfect cycle with a great endometrium & blastocyst transfer, only to be disappointed by a BFN.
My 2nd cycle (different donor), thin endometrium 6mm, with a day 2 transfer & not much hope but delighted to say that it was positive, resulting in our daughter. The only difference in this cycle is that I was commenced on low dose Thyroxine 25mcgs due to elevated antibodies.
I have always been as open & honest with her about her journey but my husband less so. It has sparked some very interesting conversations at primary school as she decided to take her book in (showing her journey) with photos to show everyone during a show & tell - I had pre warned her teacher!
Other children & parents seem to be very accepting & non judgmental. I do think that now days, there are so many children that have 2 dads or mums that it’s not something that is even questioned.
She doesn’t look like me but that wasn’t important to me when I choose the donor, I just wanted someone with a proven fertility history including a few other characteristics. She looks like her dad, aunt & step brother.
I hope that I have managed to answer a few of your questions

@BunnyRuddington thanks for the suggestion. I'm in that topic as well but I think most people there are either thinking or going through the IVF journey and I wanted to hear from people that already have their kids and what the experience is like later on. But might post there too 😊

@Needlenardlenoo glad it was super easy for you to make that decision 😊

@ThreenagerCentral thanks, I'll definitely have a look ☺️

@MyZanyGreenOP thank you so much for sharing your story, glad it all worked out for you ☺️ I agree the rest of the world should be ok with it, and it might be more common than we think.
I think my main concern is how I'll feel knowing the child doesn't share any DNA with me (will probably need to work on this in therapy), and also if it will affect the child's identity during teen years which are so turbulent already. Does your daughter ever said she wants to find out who the donor is?

My daughter hasn’t mentioned it so far but I am prepared & would give her all the information that I have & would assist her further, if that’s what she decides to do when she is an adult.
I know that the donor had a daughter & I do often think about her & how her life has turned out, as the reason that her mother donated was to give her daughter a better life.

@MyZanyGreenOP that's quite a sad story, but lovely of you to support her in that.
If I do use donor eggs I think I'd like it to be in a country that allows the kids to contact the donor at 18. I think it must be quite tough if they are curious but can't find out on the donor and will wonder their whole lives. But at the same time, if they can find out it might be tough for some people to deal with it. It's such a complex situation, lots to consider for sure.

I mean, the whole thing was difficult. Infertility is.

What I meant was (I was in a hurry) was that the decision to use donor gametes didn't cause us lots of angst. Of course we talked about it, considered the ethics of it, considered what we'd do later if DC wanted to do DNA testing etc.

But it is definitely harder for people who wish to keep it secret and for their kids.

We went to a DCN "telling and talking" session when DD was about 5 and we were the only couple who'd been entirely open with our child, friends and family, out of about 12!

We gave DD a middle name after the IVF coordinator to remind us to be open.

Maybe we're a bit weird...who knows?!

The thing is, you'll find there's a tradeoff. Countries that allow anonymity have more eggs and from younger donors.
Countries that don't, have fewer and it's often egg share etc so donors are older, maybe with their own fertility issues.
I don't think it would be too hard to trace an "anonymous" donor from a developed country these days IF they wanted to be found.

Surely you are the sensible ones. With DNA home tests so easy to do now, it seems crazy to not be open about it.

Perfectly understandable. I just wasn’t sure if you knew about that section or not. Glad you’ve got some responses in here anyway