Kids won't stay in own rooms...

[Onthefence87]

Literally at our wits end with this.
Have a nearly 4yo and a 8yo....8yo has ADHD so its more like having two preschoolers at bedtime to be honest.

Since youngest has not had a stairgate on her room due to climbing over it, and
has been increasingly hard to settle, its been hellish as she runs into other DD's room and older DD just encourages it and gets tempted to play with her.

Short of us sitting outside their rooms and never getting an evening, or letting them just get on with it and crash out at 10pm, I don't know what we can do.Both take too long to settle to stagger bedtimes, plus if one knew the other was downstairs they would just keep coming down anyway.

Eldest is constantly up late whatever time she wakes up in the morning.
If she doesn't get enough sleep her behaviours and emotions are all over the place 🤦‍♀️

I know you don’t want to stagger bedtimes but that is exactly what I would do. I would sit the older one down, explain that now he is older he is allowed downstairs for 30 minutes after his younger sibling has gone to bed. Make it clear this is a treat and when he goes upstairs he must not encourage the younger one out of their room. Hopefully this will break the cycle.

Your 8 yo has adhd . Do they take medication and melatonin? Melatonin was such a game changer for us. We went from chaotic evenings that dragged on. To calm and relaxed evenings. My DC became more calm during the day too and they were less tired. DC1 still takes melatonin, DC2 no adhd so no melatonin and a reasonable sleeper, DC3 adhd but decided a year ago to not take melatonin and he is fine. Just need a 15 mins chat to offload worries and a good book and he sleeps like a baby!

if melatonin not an option: warm bath, essential oils, lavender, meditation, guided relaxation, stories, reading are all helpful

ADHD often go to sleep late. We used to put dd to bed then she’d just follow us downstairs.

She never went to sleep before 10 after the age of 6. Melatonin just made her wake up at 4😩

I would stagger the bedtimes, what time do they currently go to bed? I would take 4yo up bath, book and yes may have to stay with them to stop them getting out, while you are settling 4yo have 8yo doing calm activities like colouring, reading etc(no TV) or having a bath, once 4yo is asleep then put 8yo to bed, it might mean a few late bedtimes for 8yo but eventually as 4yo gets quicker at settling down you can bring 8yo bedtime back xx

we could never get DD1 to stay in her bed once she moved out of a cot. she’d never go down for me, only DH which was extremely frustrating especially when he had to go away for work or wasn’t in of an evening and even if he was in, she would come down 5 or 6 times until she eventually went to sleep.

in the end, he would sit with her on the bed until she fell asleep and then wait there, if she woke up he would soothe her back to sleep. then he moved to sitting on the floor, again if she got up or woke up he would put her back in bed. then he moved to sitting outside of the bedroom with the door open, repeat with putting her straight back to bed if she got up. then it was sitting outside the bedroom with the door closed, and repeat. it took 6 weeks in total () but now she doesn’t get out of bed and sleeps from 7 until 6 everyday.

Can you get an extra high stair gate?

Have they got yoto players to listen to?

Do they take magnesium?

Have a look at the ‘return to bed’ strategy - laborious but works eventually.

Have a look at adhd diet - I’m not suggesting it’s a cure but dietary changes can make a huge difference.

She doesn't take melatonin- she did have a sleep clinic referral but typically we had a spell for several months last year where things really improved, so cancelled the appt, but then unfortunately things went back again from earlier this year onwards.

I'm going to get her re-referred though.
Reluctant to get melatonin but might be necessaary, but wouldn't give it unless its via the GP, so might be waiting awhile as they said before it has to be prescribed by paediatrician at the sleep clinic.

This is true.....we don't let her have sugar from late afternoon onwards as that can impact her hyperactivity etc.

Could try magnesium, thanks
Oldest does have bedtime stories on Spotify.Youngest we have tried it but it doesn't keep her in bed.
Kind of feel like its time to remove the stairgate as youngest is nearly 4 now and also prefer her not to be 'trapped' in her room.

This sounds useful, might need to try something like this.....my DH seems to have better luck settling youngest too since breastfeeding stopped working.

Its so tough isn't it 😭

We split the routine taking one child each- Bath nights youngest (nearly 4) will go up about 6.30, then have bath, short 1-1 quiet play with me or DH stories then settled into bed for 7.30 usually or sometimes 8 if we are running late.

Other person will stay downstairs and finish kitchen etc whilst older one plays then take her up as soon as youngest is out of bath to have her turn.Then same routine and eldest is settled by 8.30 latest with lights out.

But if youngest doesn't go to sleep before eldest's routine is done and we go downstairs, then that's where the issues start.

Eldest has told me she doesn't want to go to sleep as she doesn't want to go to to school (we are dealing with issues there) but dont think that's the full story as even at weekends she doesnt go early.
Its like she can't switch off.

Maybe she does just need to stay downstairs longer then go up later as even if she wasn't up there til 9ish it would be better than now if she went straight up and settled.Only issue is me and DH trying to have an evening if she is down here watching programmes etc, but dont really see another way around it....its not like we can really relax with them both messing about upstairs anyway.

I know you’re keen to have your evenings to yourself, but I just don’t think that’s all that realistic with a 3 & 8 year old. The 3 year old still needs settling it sounds like and your 8 year old needs some marshalling to stay in her room. I don’t think this is at all unusual or because of ADHD. I think it’s just how they are at these ages.

If there’s 2 of you around, I think you each take one and you get them to sleep or quiet enough to not wake the other. If 3 year old is still coming out of her room, then short of locking her in there, someone needs to stay with her and get her settled until she’s in bed and sleepy enough not to. And someone needs to do the same for your 8 year old.

To me, lights out at 8:30pm seems early. My 7 year old goes to sleep 9:30pm ish. With the older one, one of us (usually Dh) sat in and chatted with her for 15-20 minutes until she was ready to read a book and then we’d leave and she’d turn her light off and go to sleep. She’s 12 now and has long since outgrown that and goes to bed on her own with no fuss.

But having that connection at bedtime helped. I think it sounds like you want a solution so you can get away and have adult time, but the fastest way for everyone to settle may be more time together, so that they calm down, get into bed, get sleepy and then you can step away.