Grandparents problems am I right?

[Secondtimemum123]

Hi,

I'm a mum of 2 under 2's and it's been a stressful couple weeks, and just wanted to see other opinions on here, we went away with the grandparents (every person paid for themselves) recently and we had a couple of disagreements along the way i.e swaddling (they didn't agree as he didn't look comfortable) white noise (they didn't think it was warranted but when it's not on he doesn't sleep at all) baring in mind our 12 week old suffers bad with reflux and is under investigation for a milk allergy, so he's quite a grizzly baby and we do everything in order to try and help ease and calm him, he's also on omeprazole. But anyway we managed to push through the holiday and tried to ignore the comments. However on the last day, they were watching a movie in the living room which is linked into the kitchen (it was a large room) and my boy was getting a bit fidgety and quite restless due to being constipated for a couple days so me and oh decided to put the radio on and try and calm him with music (not using white noise as we knew it annoyed them) so just general calming music, and it seemed to work whilst doing his massages too. Bare in mind other ds was in bed fast asleep as it was evening. Anyway, they bypassed me and asked Alexa to turn down to basically a volume you couldn't hear very well, but we could hear there movie over it so we decided as he was getting restless again to turn it back up, then they asked for it to be turned down again so OH gave up and relented turned it off and said to me let's go upstairs to listen to it in bed and we can try and calm him there. So as we were packing up, grandparent 1 came over to get a drink and acted as though 'we were only going upstairs as I had a mood on me because we couldn't have the music on' so I just basically said no we are going up because he's getting restless and the music was calming him down and you wanted it turned down so that's why. For some unknown reason it kicked off and although nothing more was really said. Grandparent 1 and 2 went to bed. Grandparent 3 and 4 upon realising it was for the baby and to calm him down said that it made sense to keep it on if it was helping. We've been home a few days and I messaged when we got home to see if they had got back and got ignored the next day I had a message but just asked how the boys were and then nothing since. I'm a horizontal person really, dont like confrontation, I've been stressed alot recently as ds 2 cries a lot due to the reflux and ds 1 is still really reliant as he's only 17 Month's and it's really upset me. But oh keeps saying I've done nothing wrong at all just sticking up for our boys. I just need some advice really. It's the longest I've gone without really talking to them.

Well given you say that you were playing music so quietly that it shouldn’t have disturbed the TV watching GPs, you can have sat in a room upstairs, even though it was “in a row” (presumably with doors/walls in between), safe in the knowledge that DS1 wouldn’t be disturbed by the very quiet music playing a whole room away.

Helpful

It's a lesson learned that when you're going away with other people you need to really think through the room layouts and what you need. In hindsight, only one downstairs area for 3 families (2 x grandparents and yourselves) particularly when there are different generations in the mix, was never going to work very well. You were definitely unreasonable to put the radio on when others were watching TV, but I can see how you got to that point.

Also if you're staying with people 24/7 they probably will comment on your parenting (even if only to each other). They shouldn't, but they probably will. So factor that into any decisions around repeating a group holiday!

Many grandparents are happy that they left the trenches of parenting tinies behind ages ago and, whatever they may think, may find they don't actually enjoy sharing a house with a newborn and a toddler! They absolutely shouldn't get at you about that, but it may also be a factor.

They could obviously hear the radio over the TV or they wouldn't have known you had put it on. Their hearing is probably not as acute as yours and they may find it particularly difficult to separate out a voice from other background noises.

I understand how people offering opinions can feel like criticism of your parenting and you are probably tired with 2 very young, not-great sleepers. We find family holidays work best with less open-plan houses. You could have taken your baby upstairs to settle in any of the bedrooms. You could have asked if you could interrupt the TV for 10 minutes if you thought your baby would settle that quickly with music.

I can't work out exactly what the GPs have done wrong.
I think it's fine to comment things like 'he doesn't look very comfortable'.
And I don't think it's odd to want the music turned down when you are watching a film - I have to concentrate and music would have totally distracted me.
And not sure what is right / wrong about after trip contact.

It sounds like you are struggling with the grizzly baby and likely lack of sleep. That may be blowing everything out of proportion. It's not easy with 2 as little as yours, time to hunker down, rest as much as you can and just look after yourself and your little family. Things will get easier.

Have you apologised to them?

This should all have just blown over by the next day. My mother once got very cross with me on a family holiday (very similar circumstances, I had not realised that I was disturbing the rest of the house while trying to get my baby to sleep). It was all forgotten by the next day because I apologised and that was that.

Apologise to them as whilst you didn't think that you were disturbing them, you clearly were.

With regards to them criticising your choice to swaddle and play white noise - ignore.

It sounds like grandparents 1 & 2 have forgotten what it's like with a very young baby and the stress that goes along with it especially if they have reflux. Also appears GPs are in the we are right/didn't do that in our day camp.

They probably had a idyllic idea in their heads about a family get away rather then what the reality is!

Honestly I would just leave it, you explained held the boundary they sulked! They will soon forget about it!

But your music would have been distracting them from their TV programme! How can you not see that?

I'm sure there was more than one bedroom. Why not just ask if you could borrow theirs to settle the baby?

I don’t see what your grandparents have done wrong. It sounds like you are struggling adjusting to two young children and managing their needs. When away on holiday that is always amplified and I think you putting on the radio was rude. If there wasn’t anywhere else, go for a walk with the pram or sling.

How ridiculous of course they won’t have forgotten. If anything they would remember what it’s like going on a family holiday with young children! Idyllic?? 😂

It seems because you have children it comes across that you decided what everyone else had to put up with, there was no need for the additional noisd

You deciding fpr your children does not outrank everything else

Yeah but it happened so Op can’t undo.
What a daft post.
Just give advice in the issue as you can’t undo the past

What’s the relevance of pointing out that everybody paid for themselves.

Fine to go on hols, the toddler might be just old enough to know they were missing out if you hadn't had a holiday.

I'm amazed you took an Alexa with you, although it does sound useful. Very organised.

One thing about swaddling, does that help with reflux etc. I thought it didn't

Mountain out of a molehill, OP. You sound stressed and possibly sleep deprived; the grandparents are possibly slightly hearing imparied and stuck in their ways. They behaved rudely by turning the music down without asking you or actually asking why you had it on; they were also rude to make a snarky comment about you flouncing off to bed because you didn't get to listen to music. Something like this often happens on joint family holidays. Try not to dwell on it. You did the right thing by offering an olive branch (texting them when they got home), they've responded, albeit seem to be choosing the 'brush the problem under the carpet' option. Just move on; it was an irritating moment that won't matter in a few weeks time. I hope your little one feels better soon. x

they were watching a movie in the living room which is linked into the kitchen (it was a large room) and my boy was getting a bit fidgety and quite restless due to being constipated for a couple days so me and oh decided to put the radio on and try and calm him with music....Anyway, they bypassed me and asked Alexa to turn down to basically a volume you couldn't hear very well, but we could hear there movie over it so we decided as he was getting restless again to turn it back up, then they asked for it to be turned down again so

You were rude to put music on while they were watching a film.
They were childish in just turning it down w/o talking to you.
You were even more childish it turning it back on.

A restless baby who needs calming should be taken out of the shared space if your calming methods take over whatever was going on in the shared space.

sorry, you are rude to keep putting music on and turning it up in the living area. If baby needs white noise or music and they're not keen, go to the bedroom.

So the only place in the whole property that was suitable to settle the baby was in earshot of other people trying to enjoy a film?
Isn't your older child used to the noise disruption of their baby sibling? What happens during the night when you're home? Do you have a massive house where DC1 can be entirely shielded from new baby noise?

If their TV was loud, and you had your music turned up so you could hear it, then it wasn’t quiet. No wonder baby wasn’t sleeping with all that racket going on.

White noise isn’t always good for babies. You might think it helps, but often it doesn’t. I recently looked after a baby for a relative who is struggling with gastro issues and they came with a list of instructions for what would work to settle them. The first couple of nights I did as asked, one night it worked, the other it didn’t. Third night I wasn’t able to do 2 of the things on the list, baby still settled. By the end of the week it was pretty clear that actually, baby settled when they were ready I.e when they were no longer hurting, and none of the “tricks” really made any difference I had to turn the white noise machine off because it really bothered my autistic daughter so I stuck on some classical music instead. I never said any of this to the parents other than to apologise for not being able to always do the bath or stick to the exact timings because I wasn’t organised enough. They had a routine they thought worked and if that’s what they wanted that was fine by me. If the grandparents wanted to share their opinions, that’s ok. If you are happy with your choices just tell them that.

Trying to settle the baby where other people were already in the space and playing your music over their TV was rude. You should have taken the baby elsewhere, it isn’t their fault your other child won’t sleep properly either.

1. Ignore those saying you shouldn't have gone. Each to their own, but no reason why not if it suited you and your family. We had to travel with young babies and often they are easier than toddlers.
2. You were unreasonable to put the radio on when others were watching TV
3. They are unreasonable to make comments about swaddling and white noise etc. 1st rule of being a grandparent is don't criticise the parents.
4. You are making a mountain over a molehill about communication since. Either apologise for your part or just let it go and forget it and move on.

Totally disagree. Distressed 12 week old that needs settling takes priority over everything and everyone, for the parents' sake!!! These are grandparents, not strangers.

Luckily for me, my parents and my in laws love my child (and their other grandchildren) and their primary concern at all times are the children and their wellbeing. We've holidayed with both of them and their priority was always the baby's wellbeing. If we had needed to settle a 12 week old then and there, my FIL would have turned off the movie himself.

@Tourmalines she would have had 100 posts telling her that if grandparents paid, she can't complain about anything at all. Seen it on mumsnet a thousand times now.

mountain..molehill and mixed generations..surprised anyone would think this was a good idea in the first place!

OP you’re getting a slating because you dared to go on holiday with young children and possibly annoyed someone with your children’s existence. The GP’s could have equally said ‘hey that’s quite loud/we can’t hear the movie, can you settle DS in our room’ rather than passive aggressively turning the Alexa volume up. A bit of kindness wouldn’t have gone amiss! Lack of sleep and a difficult baby is a rough combo.

But the op didnt show any kindness towards everyone else