4 year old behaviour suddenly out of control

[Shleepymummy]

Our four year old DD has recently started not listening, playing up, tantrums, back chatting and also talking like a baby. She has just started school so I’m trying to give her grace as it’s such a big change. I want to provide love and support but don’t want to lose boundaries and want to support her without her learning she can behave this way and it’s ‘ok’.
Any recommendations for books/advice/techniques to use? I’d like my DH and I to be on the same page and just use one or techniques consistently for a few weeks. I think this is where we have gone wrong, trying different things, doing things differently to one another. And now things are worse. We use the step when she misbehaves which she will adhere to but then repeats the poor behaviour again not long later.
An example- please can you get your shoes on, we are going out.
No, I don’t want to go out. I’m not coming.
Ok, you can put your shoes on or I can help you? Pink crocs or these trainers?
(she runs off)
I will go and get her and put her shoes on her as she screams and kicks. I don’t respond to that, just focus on getting the shoes on. Then I say ok let’s go and have a nice time at park/library/Nana’s and have to carry her outside.
Once in car, she eventually calms down.
Same thing will happen again the next day….
This sort of thing is happening with nearly every task. Plus the demands for tv, food (which I don’t give in to) but then it’s a 30 minute battle to try and get her out of the tantrum and back to calm. Only for it to repeat later with someone else.
I feel like I’ve lost my kind, sweet, happy little girl 😞

She's 4. Presumably DC number 1.

She's beginning to find her independence. She's knackered due to starting school and she's going through a load of brain development.

Ignore as many tantrums as you can - don't react at all. If you need to go out and she won't be on her shoes, give her a time limit to follow the instruction, then take her out without wearing them (have them in your bag for 2 minutes later when she bursts into tears asking for her shoes).

Be consistent with expectations and rules. She come through it in 3-6 months.

I don’t have any advice but will be reading the replies as we’re in exactly the same boat!

Mine will be turning 4 in a few weeks and since around July her behaviour is just getting worse and worse. Exactly what you described, refuses to listen when asked to do/stop doing something, constantly pushing the boundaries, a sudden attitude and shouts/is really rude if things aren’t going her way. She’s not at school yet but is fine at nursery, however she has been playing up at her dance class (which she chooses to go to and loves) and has also misbehaved for her grandparents who she’s normally an angel for.

We’re exhausted by it and all our normal methods just aren’t working!

Hi OP. My eldest was four in May and started school last week. I very much recognise some of what you are describing.

Personally, my husband and I have noticed that my son’s behaviour gets a lot worse in periods of change. He first went a bit mad during the Christmas holidays - tantrums, poor listening, lashing out. He was totally unlike his usual self and I thought he’d changed completely. But, in hindsight, I think it was all the excitement of Christmas and being out of routine and it totally derailed him. A similar thing happened for the first week or so of the summer holidays, after he broke up from pre-school. And, to a lesser extent, he’s been quite emotional this weekend after his first week at school.

It is really tough, but I have found that trying to very consciously stay upbeat and positive had helped. This doesn’t mean that he can get away with poor behaviour, but that we dig really deep to remain calm and neutral. It’s really easy otherwise for everything to descend into a battle, and this was escalating tensions for us! I also think keeping things low key for a few days and staying at home or in the garden can help to reset.

I have found the “How to talk so that little kids will listen” and Dr Becky’s Good Inside book (can’t recall the exact title) have had some bits that I’ve been able to use.