4 year old

[Shleepymummy]

Our four year old DD has recently started not listening, playing up, tantrums, back chatting and also talking like a baby. She has just started school so I’m trying to give her grace as it’s such a big change. I want to provide love and support but don’t want to lose boundaries and want to support her without her learning she can behave this way and it’s ‘ok’.
Any recommendations for books/advice/techniques to use? I’d like my DH and I to be on the same page and just use one or techniques consistently for a few weeks. I think this is where we have gone wrong, trying different things, doing things differently to one another. And now things are worse. We use the step when she misbehaves which she will adhere to but then repeats the poor behaviour again not long later.
An example- please can you get your shoes on, we are going out.
No, I don’t want to go out. I’m not coming.
Ok, you can put your shoes on or I can help you? Pink crocs or these trainers?
(she runs off)
I will go and get her and put her shoes on her as she screams and kicks. I don’t respond to that, just focus on getting the shoes on. Then I say ok let’s go and have a nice time at park/library/Nana’s and have to carry her outside.
Once in car, she eventually calms down.
Same thing will happen again the next day….
This sort of thing is happening with nearly every task. Plus the demands for tv, food (which I don’t give in to) but then it’s a 30 minute battle to try and get her out of the tantrum and back to calm. Only for it to repeat later with someone else.
I feel like I’ve lost my kind, sweet, happy little girl 😞

Solidarity, it's really hard.

What I try and remember is when they ask [whine] for something, it's because they actually need something (not necessarily the thing they ask for).

Generally I've found...
Asking for TV? They are tired.
Asking for snacks? Hungry (obvs)
Doesn't want to go out? They are tired of "performing" (especially after starting school)

Reassurance you can give...
We aren't watching TV but you can watch me cook/do laundry if you don't want to play
You can't have a cornetto but I can make you a picky plate/I'll set a countdown timer for dinner
We have to go to your cousin's you can sit a do some colouring if you don't want to chat

Ps I say I try and remember this. Sometimes I just roar "if you don't stop whining I'll GET CROSS".

But yeah. I try to do the above.

I love all the books by Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. And all the How To Talk ones. The original How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk is great from age 4.

She probably is feeling a bit tired and worn out from school as she's only just started. You probably don't need to do anything different to what you're already doing - just try to balance any consequence/correction stuff with positive attention when she's being good or low key chilled times when you can connect with her one to one without trying to get her to do something she doesn't want to have to do. Try to notice the good things and make a bit of a fuss about them, and don't bombard her with loads of questions as soon as she gets out of school

Do you give little warnings of the transition e.g. when it's time to go out, rather than just suddenly appearing and announcing it's time to stop playing/watching TV/whatever come and get your shoes on now - can you tell her, DD, in about 15 minutes we're going to go out, so 15 more minutes on that. Then give her another warning at 5 mins (time to finish off) and 2 mins.

Give warnings for the transition as pp has said.
Don't always feel you have to give the two choices (only in calm setting) as it's another thing she's working hard to process - it's another demand in itself.
Keep language simple, don't say same thing different ways.
Try to add a bit of distracting humour if you can e.g. the running away moment. Do a bit of 'high fives, down low, too slow', 'thumb wars' , 'blow me a kiss' and catch it etc 'give me a scary face' put shoe on 'give me a silly face' put other shoe on. Doesn't always work and depends on her personality but it can help break the anxiety/tension and might make her more connected to cooperate - even if it's the last thing you feel like in the moment.

Tantrum mode...there's really nothing I can suggest you can do, she's in it and it's a question of making sure she's safe and not going to destroy anything until it passes. Also once she's out and calm, reward her for doing so well. Get her to reflect on her time out, so she can see she did have a good time.

Starting school she's going to need loads and loads of downtime, relax on the TV and food, just my view appreciate everyone is different. Early nights too may be needed.