Having a 2nd child, is it much harder than having 1? And age gap of 5 yrs+

[janeandben]

We have just decided to try for #2. We have DS aged 4 who took ages to conceive due to PCOS. Have waited so long as he was born very prematurely and for the first couple of years we had so much on our plate with him that other kids were out of the question.

DH and I have such a great relationship with DS and he will be at least 5 when the next baby arrives, and probably older realistically as it may take me a couple of years to even conceive. Does anyone have a gap of 5 or 6 years, how is it?

DS and DH play lego together and football and DH takes him to bed most nights and he eats well and sleeps well and amuses himself with his toys etc I am just slightly worried that a new baby will - oh I can't think of what I mean, I know a baby will be loved and we will adapt to having it but I guess I am scared as our life now is so easygoing.

Does anyone know what I am gabbling on about here!!! Bascially is having another child really really different to having 1? Will the age gap make it difficult for my son to bond/play with his bro/sis? He says now he wants someone to play with but that isn't going to be the case until the baby is much older - he obv doesn't realise that!

DS starts full time school in Sept so in one way the timing is good as new baby would get 1 to 1 attention but then I think what happens at bedtime, will DH take DS and I sort out baby? Realisitically will I ever get any free time?

I have been spoilt with just having DS in the last year or so as he is such a lovely boy and we have loads of fun going to parks, feed the ducks, even food shopping which he loves! I am really enjoying it and I think now I am coming off the pill to properly try for a baby I am having a wobbly moment!

hi, i havent any exp of a 2nd child, but it must be very exciting, and worrying at the same time. Sounds like you have agreat relationship with your ds, and have had a wonderful time with him, and now it's time to try for that sibling!!

I am sure it will all fal into place. I was 4 when my sis was born and mum said i relly enjoyed being the older helping sister!!

my dd is 6 now and I think she would enjoy it.

good luck. you never know you might even fall pg alot quicker this time!!

Thank you piratecat, I think I am hoping I fall pg quickly but on the other hand when I think I could be pg in a couple of months - oh my god - another baby!!!! Its the worry of the unknown I guess!

I always said I would never have any more after DS was prem and so poorly but he is such a sweetheart and I would love a baby in the house again, just when I have got rid of the nappies, dummies, prams etc - I must be mad!!!

I have a gap of 5 years between my DS and DD who was born last June. It has been fine actually. It's a bit like having a first one again though as I'd forgotten all the new born stuff. DS was and is a great help, and loves helping bath and feed and fetch things (although the novelty is wearing off a bit now, lol).

He was a little bit put out about DD getting lots of attention and sometimes has the odd wobbly jealous turn, but he is generally great with her, and plays really well with her now she is mobile. He didn't have the same sort of jealousy/dethronement issues that maybe a younger child would have as he was old enoough to understand that babies need a lot of looking after.

DD, of course, absolutely worships her big brother and gets really excited when it's time to go and pick him up from school. It's fab watching them together and I think he'll always be there to look out for her.

What will happen in November when DC3 arrives; who knows. It'll be interesting to see the difference between a 5 yr gap and a 17 months one!

the jump from one to two was quite hard for me at first, probably due to the big age gap, but it's fine now.

Good Luck with the getting pregnant and I hope you don't have to wait too long

ime, the jump from one to two is always hard, but easier if the older one is a bit more independent (eg can climb into and out of the car himself, goes to nursery sometimes etc). Definitely more than twice the work - older ds work + baby work + juggling the two work!

I have a big age gap due to fertility issues
ds1 was 7 when ds2 was born it has been fab ds1 was desperate for a sibling and he was so happy when the baby was born
he helps out lots and because he is at school ds2 gets lots of attention and I can take him to baby things
we have had no jealousy and ds2 has been to places we would never have taken ds1 when he was a baby
was this what we wanted? no but I am so happy to see them together and so far it has worked so well I have no regrets about it

we have age difference of 4.5 years and it was okay. He can do lots of things by himself. The only problem is if you had a routine that you wanted to repeat, it's difficult as you usually have other commitments, you just have to be more flexible. I've enjoyed dd's first year much more than I did ds's because I was more relaxed. I think the jump from 2 to 3 would be much more difficult.

we have an age gap of 2y9m and it is definately much harder with 2 than with 1. Recently DD who is nearly 5 went to stay with grandparents for a few days so it was just me, DS who is 2 and DH at home and life was bliss!

I took for granted how easy one baby was.

I think it is a big shock to go from 1 to 2. Also the bigger age gap makes entertaining them harder. Mine were closer together so both enjoyed ball pits and swing parks at the same time thankfully.

Friends who have them further apart find the holidays harder work as their 10 year old doesn't appreciate the swings any more!

Yes it is more than twice the work but I wouldn't change them (and am now having a third). Can't help with the age gap though as mine was 19 months which was hard for different reasons!

I have a big gap beween my two, it is heaven. They are gorgeous together, we adore them both more than I ever imagined. They do have fun together and dd1 is so happy about having dd2. I got to really lavish uninterrupted attention on dd2 (bf'ing etc) whilst dd1 was at school and then do things with dd2 afterwards and not feel guilty. We do things altogether as a family and dd2 was described at the weekend by a non-related person as 'the happiest child I have ever known'. Ah!

Don't worry about the gap - there are advantages and disadvantages whatever you do!

I couldn't believe the shock of going from 1 to 2.

The main difference is that with one you can more or less do the same things you ever did, but just make allowances, wheras with 2 you give up completely on retaining any semblance of your own life. Examples: Holidays are now totally kid-centric (centerparcs, mark warner type stuff), Air Travel entails a diversion to inner hell and is avoided at all costs (the luggage, the crying baby, the child wanting to be fed, the airports that insist you put the buggy in the hold, the security queues), even getting two sleeping kids out of a car can reduce you to tears.

You do lose all hope of getting a spare moment to yourself, you do lose the childless friends that were still around when you just had one child, and it can be very tiresome dealing with sibling rivalry. Then there is the cost factor to consider. horseriding and private school and other poncifications similar stuff can be bearable with one but become a mountain with two. And if you aere a working mum then you probably have to have a nanny so then you have to manage someone and deal with those stresses... and so om.

Sorry to sound so negative but this was the kind of thing I wish I'd been prepared for in advance....

We have a 4.5 yr age gap and it's great!

Two kids is of course harder work than one (but you forget quite fast what it was like to have only one). Some of the brilliant things are:

1. No worries about leaving the baby with the bigger one.
2. Help from your older child
3. For the older one, a real sense of bonding with the new sibling, without the complications of emotion a toddler would have.
4. Being able to spend time with them separately - with DD2 when DD1 at school, and with DD1 when DD2 in bed napping or at night.

Can't think of anything else but I'm sure there's more, but it's lovely and I'm so glad we bit the bullet and had DD2 (DD1 was also prem, and I was ill after having her etc etc).

Oh and I work full-time. And am nanny-less. And cleaner-less, but that is a different story.

Although DD1 did say the other day "we didn't realise looking after a baby would be this much work did we!"

Thanks everyone for your messages.

I don't think we will mind about the holiday situation, this year we've been to centerparcs and are going somewhere else in England in July - I have only flown once with DS and it was such a hassle we won't be doing it again whilst he is happy here.

I am a working mum, 3 days a week and DS is at a fab nursery, has been since was 1. He starts school in Sept and I will be working every day 9.30-3 (my work are fab - NHS). So a new baby will rock the boat there as I don't know what hours I would do when I had to go back to work but then that's a long time off a I would have a year's maternity leave.

I had thought about he age gap being difficult when one child has outgrown the park etc but from your messages there are more positives than negatives and I am sure we would get round it somehow.

Now I just need to get pg!

Jane and ben - DS1 was 4yrs 9mths when DS2 born and ds1 has bonded really well with his brother who is now 20wks.

He is very protective over his little brother and has adapted so well, I am really proud of him.

With the slightly bigger age gap we were able to talk more about the baby coming when I was pregnant, and what that might mean, e.g babies can cry a lot, it's their only way of talking, they can be fun but also they are hard work.. we got out baby photos of ds1 to look at and talk about etc.
When ds2 arrived it took ds1 a few days before he would give him eye contact, and he told his dad "I am unsure of my brother" dad told him that was ok, it will take us all time to get know his brother and also for him to know us, ds1 then told his teacher her thought his brother was lazy for sleeping so much

ds2 really is fascinated by his brother, often ds1 is snuggled on the floor next to him chatting away, it's so sweet to see.

I remember the first couple of months were hard work as I worried ds1 would feel left out but he was fine, we involved him as much as he wanted to be, relatives and friends were superb in giving ds1 attention too and even breastfeeding I remember ds1 helped by pulling apart his brothers hands so I could get a better latch at times!!

Don't worry about it, it's amazing how one can adapt if you take it in your stride.