Dealing with 50/50 custody

[AmIlosingitorwhat]

Ex wants to go for 50/50 custody, never imagined even a night away from my babies but thinking of spending half the month without them is killing me. The separation is 'fairly' amicable, I don't want it to be messy and I know their relationship with their dad is important but I hate the thought of spending days and nights without them. Anyone already living this situation, how do you deal with it? Has it turned out ok? How did you deal with the emotional side of it?

My ex said he wanted 50:50 too. He did one weekend, discovered he couldn't play tennis or go to the pub, had to deal with dirty nappies and to get up in the night. He never mentioned 50:50 again.

Then he refused to have ds overnight until he was 5, ie reliably toilet trained and able to use a knife & fork. He eventually settled on about 20 nights a year and 6 hours a week.

Ds is 17 now. Ex has never done a school run or a parents evening. 🙄

So don't assume 50:50 is how it will end up. When my ds is at his dad's, I clean his room, try a new recipe, go for a coffee with friends, do a tip run, go shoe shopping. You'll cope, You'll learn to save certain tasks for the times you are alone.

i know a couple families that do 50/50 and the kids do fine, some hurdles with regards to clothing and sports clubs but they keep it between the adults and work around the issues.
as they got older the kids come and go between the two homes on their own but the parent who's week it is, is fully responsible for transport/clubs/equipment and outings they switch over on sundays after dinner...
weirdly one family do entire family birthdays where the adult two families (grandparents etc.) attend and play happy family so three times a year (three kids) everyone gets together and they have an evening out.
i get that you have a hard time imagining not having your little ones around but some men feel the same way and want to be involved.

Well it will stop him being labelled the proverbial 'Disney dad' that is popular on here

But you both need to do what is best for the children not yourselves

This is my life but 60%/40%. I see them
most days as we alternate days rather than weeks (to fit around my work).
We also all watch DC do activities a handful of times a year inc grandparents & ex’s DW (AP).
It isn’t how I expected my life to turn out but my ex is a better Dad than when we were together. I do all the admin side of parenting eg all the school paperwork & medical appointments etc but him & his wife are active & interested in their school work & extra curricular activities.
In someways I don’t miss them when they are at my ex’s house as I am busy (and make sure I am). But I didn’t imagine not being with them all the time and having to share birthdays and Christmas is hard. You do get more used to it over time.

So to answer your questions. I make the best of a non ideal situation as what other choice do I have. I put my DC first and put what I want after. I built my life away from my DC so that I wasn’t just sat wishing they were with me whilst they are at their Dad’s.

My DC aren’t completely unimpacted by having separated parents but they are both doing very well in school, have hobbies they love & are cared for by 3 involved parents. They have two homes with everything they need in both (my eldest sees my house as the default as it was the family home). So yes I think it has turned out ok. In an ideal world they’d be living with both their parents who were happy together but I think what we have is the next best option for them. They seem to struggle less than their friends who have Dad’s who see less of them & are inconsistent.

As for me, I’m happy as I’m doing the best I can for them. Life is a juggle, I miss out on things and things can be frustrating but nobody has life exactly as they want. I do moan about ex quite a bit but never in the kids earshot. He moans about me too!

I suppose it depends on your ex’s motivation. If he wants them in his life that much and is willing to do half the parenting then I think that is fair. If it’s to avoid paying maintenance then that is different. Also age of DC makes a difference. Mine were in Key stage 1 (lower primary when we split & started this arrangement). I imagine it’s harder if they are actual babies (rather than just your babies if that makes sense).

We have a 3 yo and an 8 yo. I will be the one leaving the family home, which I worry will make them feel like I was the one who abandoned them when the reality is very different but I won't speak badly about their dad to them.

He is a great dad, just not a great partner, but I know he'll take good care of them. I just can't imagine spending weekends on my own, Christmas days without them etc. I always thought we'd be a 'normal family', whatever that is.

He does tend the be the 'fun one', whereas I'm the one who looks after all the serious stuff, it would break my heart if as teenagers they decide they'd rather be with their dad. Suppose it's just bringing out all my insecurities.

Will you be living close to your ex? I think that makes 50/50 easier.
I would recommend splitting the week. Eg one having the first half of mid week and the other having the second half then alternating weekends. I know people that do this and it seems to work. I don’t know anyone that alternates weeks- that would be brutal.
We used to alternate weekends but now alternate weekend days as my eldest DC asked for that. We are flexible though so that we can each go away with or without DC for a full weekend. We also split key days so each see them on Xmas and birthdays.
I completely understand about worrying they’ll move out to stay at their Dad’s full time. It’s hard as they get older as you want to give them some say but then it puts pressure on them to choose between parents and they don’t want to hurt your feelings (although I would always say it’s totally up to them).
He might be less fun when solo parenting. My ex jokes with my DC more but is more strict with them. I take them more places.

I'm doing this, and I left the family home. It's really hard but the best thing for the kids is a good relationship with each parent. I can't say it's easy but I try and do things when I don't have the kids that I can't do with them. Long baths, candles, long hill days, wild swimming. It's difficult when everyone else is with their family/kids but I have a couple of friends now in the same boat, and at least one friend who seems to get it and invites me round for tea etc. Have some therapy, most people have no idea how hard this is. And ignore those parents who are "jealous" of this wonderful child free time you have. They just don't get it. My ex is the "fun" parent too. Just do what needs to be done and take the high road, they'll appreciate you for it eventually! X