Co-parenting with a controlling ex

[Zara445]

Long story short…I let my 10 yr old DD walk to her friends house after school with her friend for the first time. A lot of her friends now walk home and she lives very close to the school (no main roads etc).

DDs dad rang to say he wasent happy she had walked. I said if you’re not happy then I can always pick her up in future or we can sort something out.

I picked DD up from friends and she burst into tears saying that she felt bad her dad had text but she had not seen it and had not replied. She seemed on edge he had messaged - exactly how he had me through the 10 years I was with him. Lots on control and emotional abuse.

He then picked DD up from my house and rang about 10 mins later going ballistic saying DD is crying because she felt unsafe being out on her own. I said the reason she was crying was because she felt bad she had not seen your text.

He went completley mad shouting and swearing saying I’m not a good mum etc etc. Normally I let him say that whatever because speaking to him is like banging your head against a wall. But I know I’m not a crap mum so I stood up for myself and argued back it ended up him just shouting back.

I assumed he was separate from my DD but he said she was sitting next to him after he had said I was a rubbish mum and that I didn’t care about anyone but myself (don’t know where that was relevant in the argument). He called me a weirdo and few other things - obviously doesn’t bother me but I know that will really hurt DD.

DD is very close to us both and I feel really rubbish that she’s had to listen to that as I’m worried she’s going to blame herself, and I don’t want her in the middle. He is very competitive always got to be the best parent and tries to be a ‘best mate’ over being a parent. I’m worried that as he’s so impressionable she’s going to feel on edge and walking on egg shells like I use to and I have absolutely no control over this.

I need to have a conversation with her tomorrow but I don’t even know how I go about it. I’m really disappointed I argued back with him on phone, however, a part of me thinks that rather than taking rubbish off him, DD has also seen that her mum is also capable to stand up to him. I would hate for her to repeat what I have done and think it’s normal for men to speak to women like that.

I really don’t know how to approach the conversation.

unless in an unsavory neighborhood you were not wrong to let her go to a friends home with a classmate.
all communication with him might be best via an app, both for the purpose of documentation and to take the emotion out of it as you can read it when most comfortable.
he needs not be messaging her needlessly looks like some boundaries need to be reinforced.
i would sit her down and ask if indeed she heard the argument, let her know it was okay to go with her friend (you knew and approved) and ask her if she has any ideas how to avoid this going forward as you think it may have put her in an awkward situation.

When you sit down with her, reassure her that you can fight your own battles and that she doesn’t have to defend you whenever he goes on a rant. Acknowledge that it’s difficult being caught in between.

Offer to practice role play with her to help her change the subject when with him. Like “OK dad yeah it’s frustrating. Can we go and get the takeaway now like you said?”