Six-year-old friendship worries

[ThaliaFailure]

Hi, I was hoping for some advice after going around in circles reading similar threads.

DS has just gone into Y2. He has previously been happy, and seemed to have settled in well. He is starting to mention the same names of friends when I ask about his day. However, he has had very few party invitations since starting school and very few playdate invitations (I have tried to arrange but only two people reciprocate, and one child seems to have "grown out" of my DS so it feels as though it is my friendship with his mum keeping that going!). His birthday party was well attended so I assumed things were okay.

His previous teacher was surprised when I asked if any social issues and said he plays well and is a kind friend.

He does sometimes get people shouting out his name after school; I have noticed, however, that there is a big group of boisterous boys in his class and he stands apart from them at the gate in the mornings and is on his own at that point, but mentions people when I catch up with him after school. He loves school, runs in happily and until today has seemed okay, though the lack of invitations upsets me. I had hoped it was a "me thing" not a "him thing".

Today he said it was a sad day. His friends told him he was "different" and he had no one to play with.

I don't know if this is the full story and I know from previous reading that friendships can take a while to settle. But I am so heartsick for him. He has also been very clingy recently and wants to be with me all the time (this started during the holidays).

He can be excitable (though school have said this is improving) and is into cars and climbing, not Pokémon and football like many in his class. I would say he is slightly immature socially for his age, though very empathetic and interested in other people and in the world at large. He has struggled on playdates with excitement and I always make sure I help and facilitate when this happens to ensure our guests have a good time. Parents say thank you but several have not reciprocated despite saying they would.

His younger sibling is disabled and I worry, probably unfairly, that this might play into how people perceive him and our family (it is a small school and parents are aware of my second DC's disability).

I don't know how to help my son. He is signed up to new activities this term out of school but school itself is worrying me.

I just want him to be okay. He has enough to deal with and I am trying so hard to get him happy and settled with his school and activities, though I know I can't control other children!

This ended up being very long and I would so welcome any advice. Thank you.

It's tough isn't it! They are still at an age where friendships are heavily influenced by the parents. Sometimes you just get unlucky e.g. lots of the parents know each other from older siblings. I would try to separate out what he is bothered by and what you are worrying about from an adult's perspective. He may not be that aware of the lack play dates and party invites. Obviously if he continues to be upset then speak with the teacher. However it's reasonably normal for them to have the odd day where things don't go to plan at lunchtime. Both of mine have complained about this at times.

I'd keep doing what you are doing - give him a range of opportunities that align with his interests and be his safe space. Maybe encourage him to think about who might like similar games e.g. 'you said last week that Peter enjoyed playing chase with you. Maybe he would like to again'. If he carries on finding it hard, I'd let the teacher know and see what they can do to support.

Thank you so much, @BendingSpoons , I am so grateful for your reply!

The parent thing is so difficult. I tried with coffee mornings and PTA at the start of YR, but then my other child's degenerative disease was diagnosed after a mammoth two-month hospital stay and my life became a huge run of medical appointments and therapies. I suspect I said too much about what was going on during playground chitchat and that maybe made me someone people didn't want to spend too long with - I say hi to nearly all the mums and get a hello back, and I have a few I can join and chat with, but I think there is a lot of social stuff going on without me. It almost feels too late to fix. Plus I feel very awkward at school events as my second child is wheelchair-bound, I am signing Makaton and I feel so different. I don't really know how to build the friendships with the mums that might enable my son's friendships better!

I really do appreciate the reassurance about off-days. I think this seemed to come out of the blue and make things worse, but hopefully it is just a one-off. At what age did you find the parental influence began to wane?

I absolutely love the idea about asking who is playing similar games and encouraging that, thank you. I will be passing that on.

I don't want to make him worry; I just want to fix everything and I can't, and it makes me so sad.

That sounds so tough with your youngest and it's really sad you feel on the outside as a result. Well done on parenting 2 children and their individual needs.

My DS is also in year 2. He mentions different names different days. Some days he comes home and complains that no-one would play his game. He likes to play elaborate imaginary games with complicated rules. Another child will play for a day or 2 and then move on. We have had many discussions about how he can be flexible with this, or how he can play this game in his head whilst joining in with a different game e.g. chase. We have also talked about who to ask to play e.g. someone on their own is more likely to join in than someone already playing a game.

We found DD had a firm group of friends by year 1, whereas DS's friendships are still more fluid. Although there have been plenty of bumps along the way with DD's friendships, especially once they got to 7 or 8. In terms of parties, DD knew exactly who she wanted to invite in year 2. DS spent most of year 1 insisting a particular group of children were his best friends, but never actually playing with them. It seemed like he hadn't quite updated his thinking from who he was first friends with in Reception. He mentions names more consistently now, but definitely no best friends. We don't do loads in terms of playdates. We do some, but it's more like one every couple of months which means it sometimes takes a while to return a playdate. Which is not ideal, but life just gets in the way sometimes.

I don't know how helpful any of this is. I would say do talk to the teachers if you are worried. I have been in the playground at lunchtime and it seems to be kids running around all over the place. If a child is running round too, it would be hard for an adult to know if they were playing with others or not. If they know who to keep an eye on, that can help. Sometimes schools run small groups for children that need support with friendships and if they know a child is finding it a bit tougher they can join too.

Hopefully the sad day was a one off and things will be better tomorrow.

Hi OP. My DS has just gone in to year 3, so we're 12 months ahead, but I could've written your post.
Mine is the youngest in the year, mentions a few kids names when I ask about his day, but almost always plays on his own at drop off. His class is full of boisterous boys with big personalities, very few girls, most of whom seem very grown up for their age. Whereas as he's quiet, sensitive and perhaps not as emotionally intelligent. He wants to play games on the playground, not football.

I tried to encourage friendships out of school with playdates, meet ups, etc, but I've come to terms with it - he hasn't found his tribe at this school and that's OK. At the moment he's enjoying school, doing well academically and is liked by the staff, that's enough for right now.
He'll get there and yours will too.

Op this sounds so difficult. My DD sounds similar to your son but doesn’t start school until next year, I’m so worried already about these situations. You sound like you are a lovely parent and he is lucky to have you as his safe space. As mine aren’t in school yet I can’t say I have any meaningful advice but I wonder if there is any SEN charities locally you could take your children to? We have one locally that loads take siblings to so a lot of the siblings become friends and they often have a lot of shared experience through having siblings with disabilities and/or additional needs. I know this doesn’t address the school issue but it’s a lovely safe space for you all as a family. Not sure where you live but we have found them in 3 cities so far xx

@Btowngirl thank you for your lovely message and I do hope your DD settles well next year!
We are in Surrey but in fairly easy reach of Berkshire and Hampshire. Have you found a "chain" of SEN charities or individuals?

We have a young carers group but only starting at 8 and I am toying with applying to hospice but not sure I am emotionally there just yet. There are a few groups but these tend to be for ASD support rather than complex medical conditions with learning disabilities.

I will keep looking...thank you for the idea.

@GrumpySparkler thank you so much for telling me about your DS's experience. They sound so alike! My DS likes to give long, complex rules for games but doesn't like anyone else chipping in - we have been trying to work on it. And he just isn't interested in the boisterous games many of them enjoy. I do wonder if we are unlucky with his cohort in terms of his place in it.

I really like the mindset shift you have explained. DS is doing well in all other aspects and until yesterday seemed happy despite my qualms. If I can get my own head to a place of acceptance, that will really help. Thank you.

Hi @BendingSpoons , that is so interesting to hear. I know the girls in our class were already falling out in Y1 over friendships, whereas the boys were also more fluid, but I feel like this is starting to change. DS went to a (reciprocal) party last summer with an different group of boys: they all called his name when he got there, but by the end he was off being chilled and doing his own thing, sometimes with one friend, while the rest got very het up in a bigger group. It was a hard watch.

I wonder if DS will respond to the compromise on games like you have suggested to your son. I think it is the way forward.

He was clingy going in this morning but ran in when the gate opened so I don't know what to think. I am going to have a long day thinking of him!

@ThaliaFailure I feel like we have the same child! 😂 We also have the long, complicated rules to games and then the subsequent telling off if we forget one of the 53728 rules during the game!

I should've said, we do occasionally have sad days too. Where someone has been unkind. But they're very rare, so hopefully that will be the case for your DS. And (rightly or wrongly) I do tell DS that if someone is unkind to him he can absolutely be unkind back!

You sound like a lovely caring Mum. I was going to suggest some SEN groups for support and friendship. Hopefully you will find some people who understand and your DS will meet more children too.
Look on your LA local offer for SEN to see what is available.
There’s also Young Sibs which might be good for you to look at.
https://www.sibs.org.uk/youngsibs

I went past the school at break after a medical appointment and he was running around on his own. He clocked me, ran up and told me he was happy, but when I asked who he was playing with, he said, "Just by myself." I waited until I got home and burst into tears.

This is really hard.

I don't know if he is really happy, struggling, if this is the start of something long-term.

Yes, I agree on the kindness thing. I used to do a long, convoluted explanation of why we should always be kind...but then on a school visit two kids in his class started throwing things at my DH and my then baby second DC, despite being told not to twice, and I'm afraid that got my dander up. If that's the way my child could get treated in his classroom, then he is allowed to fight his corner!

Your DS sounds like a lovely, imaginative, fun little boy. I hope the sad days stay very far apart for him.

DD just started YR2 and I have similar experiences as you describe. Very hard to get a clear picture of what goes on in school! This of course fills me with worry. I just have to assume that the teachers or afterschool care people would point out any issues!

Sh8t isn’t it! Anyway apparently it gets easier when they are old enough to explain their day in more detail…doesnt help today though does it!

It's so incredibly worrying: I hear you! It's the inability to get a straight or consistent answer that I find so tough. I hope you're right and it improves with age.

DS came home happy and bouncy so that's something. I really hope your DD had a good week. This y2 business is not for the faint hearted.

My DD is almost 7 and has also been having friendship issues. She knows and seems to get on with most kids, but she's had a best friend for the past couple of years who is now mainly playing with someone else so my DD feels left out. She doesn't quite have the confidence to join in with others but she doesn't really like to play on her own. She's had a lot of stomach pain which i think is linked to her emotions, but it's taken us quite a while to work out exactly what's been going on.

It's very hard to hear her talk about it, I know how she feels, it's horrible, but there isn't much I can really do. Ive spoken to the teacher a couple of times who has been great - she's now going to a special games club at lunch once a week with two friends she chooses. Things I do to help are to encourage her to talk about what's on her mind. Reassuring her, and validating her feelings. Giving her ideas for how she might approach a situation. And role playing different scenarios - e.g how to respond when x says something mean, or how you might ask to join in with a group who are playing together. She seems to have made some new friends this year already, and has even come up with her own ideas for getting a group to play with at lunch time.

My DD has been invited to loads of parties, but not that many play dates, just with a couple of her friends so far. Ive tried inviting a few others who either haven't followed up, so i couldn't arrange it at all, or who haven't reciprocated. I'm not great at making friends... happy to chat at the school gate or parties, but always feel like I'm on the outside...I never really thought that mattered though if your kid has a friend as usually parents just drop the kid off and pick them up later!

I think this is really common, so many children go through it as they are just learning about social relationships, emotions etc. All we can do is support them and talk to their teachers if we're think it's needed.