Maternity leave is so depressing

[FroddyLoop]

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Looking for solidarity and hope, I guess?
Maternity leave is so lonely and depressing. I have 2 under 2 and I love them so much but I am alone pretty much all of the time my husband is at work.

I can’t go to baby groups like I did with my eldest (long and boring story but all of the ones near me require you to leave prams etc in another room and I have 2 babies who aren’t walking and no one to go with me, I tried baby wearing one of them and it didn’t work yet with carrying the other one, hopefully soon though!) and I didn’t realise how much my only human interaction during my first maternity leave was just saying hi to other mums at groups. I didn’t make any actual friends though as they all seemed to know each other from work or previous maternity leaves.

I have a 1 year old and 6 week old and one of them is always crying. They sleep opposite shifts so I am pretty much getting 2-3 hours a day. As soon as the eldest is in bed I get to bed with the newborn in the hopes he will sleep then too.

My husband watches the kids when he gets home and that’s the only time I get to cook and clean. I’m pretty much living off biscuits. Family are besotted with the kids but they have jobs and lives obviously, my mum has mental health issues so can’t help and my MIL only wants to see her daughter’s child which I find a little upsetting.

I just walk around with the double pram for hours a day to parks and nip to the odd cafe when I can afford it. We live in a deprived area but can’t move yet so there isn’t much else to do, I find I’m constantly messing up the house trying new activities I’ve seen online.

When I go back to work next year I technically won’t be earning anything after nursery fees but I can’t wait to have something else to go for 3 days a week.

Has anyone experienced similar and come out the other side?

This sounds tough! I only have 1 and like you, I really enjoyed baby groups. I don’t have family in this country and just husband works long hours, I totally know how lonely it can be! I think you might be able to experiment more with carrying them both? Eg could the 1-year old go into a bag pack-style carrier so that you can also carry the little one? Could you ask the venues if it’s ok to bring buggy in just to get you all settled, once in, you leave your babies with a trusted other mum or the group leader while you bring buggy out? Are there any walking groups in your area, either for mums and prams, or social walking groups open for everyone?

Just want to say I relate and I'm sure lots of others do too. I think it's doubly hard because voicing not totally loving MAT leave is sometimes deemed socially unacceptable. You have the people who seem to love and cherish every moment of it making you feel guilty for not feeling the same (not on purpose generally - I don't mean to try to take away from their happiness - but it stings whether they mean to guilt you or not). Then you have the people who want kids but can't have them, or who want more than they can have, and that makes not loving MAT leave feel even more shameful. But the reality is that some people have better experiences than others for whatever reason (their own personalities and temperaments, their kids' personalities and temprements, the absence or presence of health issues, sleep quality, number of kids, level of support, extent to which they enjoyed work before stepping away from it, etc etc).

I only have one DC (so a way easier deal than you) and I found MAT leave so lonely and difficult that I actually got myself a new, higher-paid job which demanded a quick start date just so I could end my MAT leave early and claim I was doing it to earn more for my family. I didn't actually particularly want the new job or need to earn more. I did want a reason to stop being at home which other people would be less likely to judge. I couldn't exactly say 'I don't want to take the amount of time I'd originally planned because I find being at home more stressful and depressing than working.'

My example is probably a bit extreme but sharing in case it helps to diminish any negative self-judgement you might be internalising!

(And btw, I love my kid as I'm sure you love yours. You feel what you feel.)

thanks - the walking group is a good shout, I didn’t think of that! The only one I’ve seen locally seems to be young(er) mums but I’ll see if they won’t mind an older mum cramping their style 😂
I will experiment with the carrying too, I’m hoping as the older gets more mobile it will help too.

This sounds ROUGH

Do you have a car???

Mums nct walks in parks might be a good shout also any soft play cafes for under 5s might work

Thanks so much for your reply, it does help knowing I’m not strange or broken but I don’t really enjoy being home all the time. I feel like I’ll be a bit of a better mum when I’m not so lonely and down.

I don’t blame you at all for finishing early, I would do the same tbh.

My cousin seems to be having an amazing mat but she lives in a really affluent area, has near unlimited funds, loads of friends with newborns at the same time and a mum who is her best friend and has moved in for a couple of months to help. I know this is rare and I’m so happy for her but I can’t help but compare sometimes. I think being something other than ‘mum’ during working hours will help me to relax a bit more and decompress!

No suggestions, but I have so much sympathy. Where I am we can use maternity leave to go part time for a few years without changing your contract. Being able to go back to work 2 days a week after 5 months of baby is saving my sanity. I don't know how British mums survive 1 year then back full time.

Re the baby wearing, I'd suggest 1yo on back and then tiny one carried. I tandemed them one on the front and over on the back (also had 2u2), but that does take practice.

Or have your 1yo in a ring sling and hold your baby in the other arm, depending on how comfortable you are doing that.

It sounds like it's really important to get out to baby groups for your own wellbeing at the moment, so I think it's worth trying to find a way to make it work.

Oh OP that sounds tough, I also had a small age gap but lucky my older one walked early. I’m in London and I vividly remember crying walking away from groups I couldn’t do as I’d have had to fold down the double pram and/or wake one of them up. It’s hard in the early days (mine are 4&5 now and I LOVE the age gap).

That being said: things that kept me sane at the time included finding church playgroups or stay and plays and asking someone to help/watch the 1 year old begin to play while I got the younger one in a sling/fed or made a coffee! I found anything with a free play set up was FAR easier than a class with two tinies.

Is there a twins group in your area? I know it’s not your scenario - but if you explained, sometimes they may be the best placed mums to ask about groups/spaces in your area that are manageable with two little ones.

If you’re in the uk, have you a children’s center with any groups near you? Again if you sent them an email in advance - they’d likely help you get the older one settled, so you wouldn’t have to carry both for too long.

Most of all I wanted to say - I remember how tearful I felt with a six week old, the sleeplessness is intense and it’s so hard to parent when you’re exhausted. It’s such early days. Hope it gets easier soon x

I agree! My baby is only four weeks old so it’s all new to me but I’m struggling to adjust.
I’m in middle management at a school and have a busy, stressful job which I enjoy. And tne adjustment from that, to sitting at home watching Gilmore Girls and going for a daily walk, has been a huge shock to the system. I miss feeling busy and productive. I love my baby so much but just find this change of lifestyle so odd. I had a c secrion so can’t drive yet, and I’m hoping when I can, I’ll be able to go more places with my baby to while the days away. But for now it just feels so strange and I miss the productivity that going to work gives!

If you feel up to it, most insurers are fine for you to drive. Check with them. Lots of people are driving within about 2 weeks of a section.

It's a huge change in lifestyle and shock to the system, but there's no rule that says you have to sit and watch box sets. I don't think I watched a single one if I'm honest. A lot of people do it. Sitting down watching TV because that's what they want to do and they don't have a lot of energy to do anything else, but if you are feeling okay with that, you can do whatever you want.

I used it as an opportunity to catch up with friends that did irregular hours, go places I might not normally have time for - like go around the shops, pop into that museum I've always gone past. There's lots of baby focused activities that may help you make friends - everyone's in the same position. The tricky (but really useful if you can) thing is to make the leap from activity to friendship. There's got to be at least one brave person that says 'does anyone fancy going for a coffee after this', and quite often that was me.

This first bit of maternity leave is really for you. Your baby doesn't care if you go to a group, go to a baby friendly showing at the cinema, stay at home, go to the pub. As long as they're with you it doesn't matter, so go where you fancy and do what you want!

You’re so right- thank you for this! I find myself watching a lot of tv when he’s unsettled as sometimes it can take around an hour to settle and soothe him, so having some tv on in the background makes it a bit more bearable for me!
Im glad you’ve said that about the car situation as well, as I feel physically ready to drive again, so maybe I should start testing it out! At the moment I haven’t been able to go to any baby groups as there’s nothing in walking distance, but that is something I can definitely do when I’m back behind the wheel.
I generally found your message there really positive/inspiring, so thank you! Going to work on getting myself and baby out a bit more :)

Would it be worth trying an app like Peanut to meet fellow mums?

I went back to work pt at four and five months each time, and instantly felt 1000% better. No family help. Baby groups not for me. Nursery fees for over two years took more than I earned. Over 20 years later now but never a single regret. It preserved my mental health, my skills, and my pension looks great.