Pursuit of mum friends tainting maternity leave?

[bluegreengreenblue]

Sorry for a self-pitying post, I’m feeling a bit rubbish.
Can anyone relate?
I’ve felt quite a lot of pressure to make mum friends during maternity leave (especially from my MIL who seems to ask for updates on it each time I see her). I have got to know a couple of people better than others but I wouldn’t say I have massively clicked with anyone, and I find myself spending a lot of my time reading too much into conversations I’ve had, wondering about messages on whatsapp, overthinking. And then it hits me — this is my time with my baby and I’m wasting it worrying about other mums, I shouldn’t be feeling like I’m back at school — and yet it’s easier said than done snapping out of it, because it’s a bit of a weird lonely bubble this mat leave thing!
Just wondered how others are finding it really.

You're trying to make friends with women you don't have a history and have nothing in common with, based on having pushed a baby out your vagina at the same time. It doesn't work. It's nice to have some solidarity and a conversation about how little sleep you both got last night but those friendships really don't last past a couple of months.

Mat leave is a lonely time. Motherhood generally for me has been an extremely isolating and lonely time, as I was the first in my social group to have a baby. I'm 34! But all our friends and acquaintances are busy travelling and having nice dinners etc. It's shit.

I wasted a term at baby sensory overthinking and sizing up the other mums. Then second term I thought, forget this I am just going to have a lovely time with DD and I ended up sat next to a really chatty mum who was new to the area, she said she was going for a walk after and I completely put myself out there and said I’d join her. We’ve been good friends ever since! Try not to put too much pressure on it, it’s not the be all and end all. You’ll probably make more friends when your baby starts nursery & starts getting invited to birthday parties etc.

I think it's luck of the draw. I've just finished mat leave and have made some friendly acquaintances but no-one that I can see being a lasting friend. It's just luck of the draw, whether you find people who you have more in common with than a similar conception time.

Just do whatever brings joy to you and your baby. I liked taking mine out for walks in nature, so I did that rather than hundreds of baby groups.

I could have written your post. I was also 34 when I had my first baby, and the first in my social group. I found it exceptionally lonely and isolating.

I wouldn’t put pressure on yourself OP. There will be more opportunities to meet people once your child is in nursery and school. Personally I need to click with someone on more levels than just both being mothers, in order to have a decent friendship.

I've never really felt any pressure to make mum friends - no one aked me about it at all, and tbh I didn't realise until later that that was what some people thought baby groups were for! I went to baby classes or stay and plays daily, but I always just went with the aim of having fun with my baby, and didn't really make much effort to socialise beyond small talk. I found it hard to truly engage with my baby and get to know other people at the same time. But I was fine with that and was happy enough with my relationships with family and existing friends.

I made no Mum friends! Gave up going to baby groups as baby didn't like it either!
But - these Mum's then became School Mum friends/neighbours over time and now a couple of them are good friends.

Find some kind of group to go to that you can stomach.

Thatll keep you tied into the local small child work. Toddler groups in church halls are good for this and most take babies too as lots of toddlers have younger siblings.

Doesnt get you mum friends overnight, but does get you the network after you’ve been going a while.

It’s a slow burn thing. Dont make it your mat leave target.

I felt the same way all those years ago, OP (my dc are young adults now). I had moved away from my hometown to a 'posh' town 100 miles away and found it difficult to makes friends that I had much in common with! But, I made 2 eventually from my post-natal group.

You only need 1 or 2 good friends and as your child grows up, you will meet more people at the local toddler groups and then at nursery and then school.

We ended up moving back closer to where I grew up and I made some great friends when my children started school.

You are right though, it's your precious time with your baby and it's right to focus on that. Make the most of local groups, clubs and activities.

How odd. It's a bit like asking about school friends in an attempt to understand if your kids are sociable and getting on ok. Do you think it's possible that your MIL is concerned about you?

To echo another poster, I found mat leave isolating. All day with a baby who can't talk to you waiting for your other half to get home so you can have an adult conversation about THEIR day because yours was dull, and that's if you can keep your eyes open. You are not alone in this albeit mine was a decade ago. I hated all the happy clappy baby sensory /monkey music stuff, found the NCT mums hideously competitive about the most random minutiae and I couldn't wait to get back to work by the end.

What do you enjoy doing? I'm not one for baby jogging classes either but did enjoy getting out for some brisk walks and organising that was a nice way to meet people who wanted some fresh air, a massive cup of coffee on the go and adult chat rather than whatever "milestone" had been achieved that week.

It does get better. Before you know it you won't be able to help with their homework and they will know everything. Obviously 😂

In the meantime, find yourself a bit. Leave the baby with your husband and go out by yourself. Anywhere but preferably to meet a friend without kids who does not want to know anything about yours once you've confirmed all is well and baby is still alive, hale and hearty. Or find a sitter and go out together. Most relationships really struggle in the first year. Ask your MiL if she's offering and go to the cinema. Pump some milk if needs be, your baby will survive for a 2 hour film even if MiL has to walk him/her up and down for the duration.

Can definitely relate! I just think it’s not going to happen, you can’t force friendships.

First time round I had some pressure as I had support for my mental health in pregnancy and the health visitor i think it was was talking about groups etc. but I liked pottering about the shops with DD, I paid a fortune for NCT but we didn't really click but I enjoyed my maternity leave overall. 2nd time round I had double pressure as my oldest was in reception for it and I had convinced myself I'd make loads of friends at the school gate, a couple in her year also had babies, then playdates were important as we were not that long as after COVID. I was very positive in my pregnancy but the school run made me feel too young. I had my eldest at 27 and I feel like lots of the parents were around a decade older. My youngest baby was difficult, the weather was horrible I just wanted to get home all the time. I didn't even bother going to baby groups.