Feeling on edge with ND child.

[StrugglingMumwhoCares]

I need to vent and connect with anyone else out there who gets it. The mornings are just... a lot.
My 8 year old son is diagnosed AuADHD. We’ve been waiting for his meds for eight months, and we've been told it could take up to a year. Every morning is a battle, no matter how early we start. We have a visual timetable, and he’s capable—he can put on his underwear, trousers, and brush his teeth with some prompting. He even gets dressed for PE on his own. But in the mornings, it's like he's a different kid. He just sits there, procrastinating, and everything takes forever.
This morning was typical. We'd agreed last night he'd eat breakfast before screen time, but when I reminded him of this, he started rolling around on his bed, crying. I reminded him that all this commotion was eating into his free time, but it didn't help. Tech is his escape—he watches educational videos and is ahead in reading/vocabulary and typing. The consultant said his ADHD is holding him back and that he could go far once he gets his meds. I don't mind him having that time; I just need him to eat first
Eventually, I had to physically pull his chair away from the table to get him to stand up.
Then there's the school uniform. He refuses to put on his school tops because they match his younger sibling. I have to put it on him in a flash while he screams, "I don't want to match with him!" He’ll do the same with his coat, yelling at his younger sibling to "stop looking." My younger, neurotypical son is naturally independent, but he's starting to copy the shoe behavior and other things. I’m constantly reminding him we're all different and that it's important to be ourselves.
When we finally get out the door, I'm dragging both of them. He'll shout, "I hate you, big fat Mum!" (I’m small and slim), right as other parents with their "perfectly behaved" kids are sauntering by, their kids zooming in on scooters. This morning, he told me he would decide at school if he'd forgive me for "shouting" at him. All I did was raise my voice out of desperation.
I'm constantly on edge. I have to remember to pack a change of top because he needs to change out of his uniform right after school to avoid a meltdown. He'll come out in tears, shouting that he hates a teacher who might be standing right there. If a teacher raises their voice at a group of kids, he thinks it's directed only at him, even if he was following the rules.
I just feel so lost and hopeless. I see other parents strolling along, their kids on scooters and bikes, while I'm a mess, just trying to get through the day. Does anyone else deal with this? How do you cope with the constant feeling of being on edge?

Tea and wine mainly! Will try and post later.

Have you applied for an ECHNA? You don't have to wait for the school: you can make a parental request.

My similar child had very difficult behaviour around this age. Gradually, as we figured out what things helped her, her behaviour also improved. NVR is a useful type of training (for parents) and the book '10 Days to a Less Defiant Child' (Bernstein), I found very helpful. Play therapy also helped.

What's the delay with the meds? You have to be the squeaky wheel with the NHS. If they can't source whatever the consultant prescribed, are there alternatives?

It is a huge waiting list, up to a year for ADHD medication (some sort of shortage). We are waiting for the nurse appointment. I rang up and got told they couldn't really give a timescale, when I pushed for maximum time I got told a year, and pointed in another direction for advice, I could cry because I feel like DH, and I have tried everything. He needs meds at this point.
Thank you for the tips, I'll look into those. Funnily enough I had a phonecall today from CYPS about consent to pass on my details to an organisation to get in touch with us. I have a feeling it is a stop gap because of the delay in medication.

I also don't feel school are that helpful if we are late, it is written on his record. We are usually on time "just." We can just miss the door. I realise every parent has a morning struggle, but this is extra.

We have actually never used ADHD medication (DD has been on melatonin for 5 years now, however) so I won't express an opinion on that, but I do think that your son is communicating very clearly that school is not working for him, so that would be the part to attempt to address. If you can reduce his unhappiness in school the other behaviours may improve.

Have you requested an ECHNA? The IPSEA website is helpful.

It really is a learning curve, and I forget myself sometimes in parenting both differently.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

The Parents’ Guide to ADHD Medicines: Amazon.co.uk: Hill, Peter: 9781787755680: Books https://share.google/ipYpk8Kvd5XmK7m8V this book gives good info on alternatives to methylphenidate (the NHS's first line treatment). You could ring/email/write to the consultant's secretary to ask what alternatives are available.

Care Opinion may be able to help you find out where you are on the nurse waiting list and who manages it. Say you'll take a short notice cancellation (if you would).

We all do!!! It's super difficult parenting AuDHD. Give yourself a break. Make sure you do something nice for yourself every week.

Yes, consultant thinks he needs the meds because his brain goes a million miles an hour, meaning he cannot focus.

Ds got told off today by a teacher for "daydreaming" by a member of staff who was filling in." He came out of school calm at least, so that's a plus.
The staff are really helpful in the sense they have made reasonable adjustments in regards to no homework, have sat him at the front quiet corner near his teacher (who he likes so far), he sits next to his best friend. They let him change his tops before we leave, and I cut the buttons off his school top, which all helped. The staff are doing their best with the pressures they have I suppose.
We were told about a service that go into school or check the child is getting the correct support. I'm unsure of this is a similar thing. Thank you, I'll definitely have a look.

Thank you, he definately needs meds to even be able to respond to a lot of techniques I feel, although we are doing our best. He gets so worked up and overloaded. He'll wear headphone in assembly and at least has those. I feel the filling in members of staff shouldn't treat the kids like they're all NT; it is becoming a theme with this school.
It is difficult to gauge what actually happens though as the teacher (from another year) may have been trying t get ds's attention which is what theyre supposed to do. He takes everything as a personal attack, and is a sensitive little soul. Some members of staff have been fantastic with him, and we are grateful for those. The calling himself stupid and hitting his face over the least little thing I am finding heartbreaking.

You've probably done heaps of courses but I find them good still for moral support and solidarity, have you seen this one coming up? I've watched a few of theirs and find them helpful.

https://www.witherslackgroup.co.uk/advice-and-support/events/webinar-audhd-practical-strategies-for-co-occurring-neurodivergence/

My DC goes to breakfast club at school, it works because it means getting dressed is the only thing we have to do in the morning, there's no deadline for getting there and it gives a soft start to going into school with cereal and Lego. Also waiting for meds here!