I don’t think I’m cut out for motherhood

[Dinosaurhearmeroar]

The title says it all. I have struggled with ppd and bad ocd since my daughter (now 3 years 4 months) was born. I wanted her and am now pregnant with a second (again- I was in a mindset where I was very broody and ready to have another). Since becoming pregnant I have suffered with bad hyperemesis and when that alleviated my anxiety was peak. I have never liked being on my own with my daughter - I feel very lonely and not present and often think quite dark thoughts like ,‘I shouldn’t have done this’ or sometimes it’s suicidal. Those are quite scary as they are often quite casual and so make me worry even more (don’t feel intrusive). I have thoughts about putting my toddler up for adoption. Despite this I am a good mum but I am often filled with dread at the thought of being alone with her or a weekend where I have to sort out plans. The worst scenario for me would be a day at home - we’d both go mad! My partner is lovely and seems to take it all in his stride. He is a great dad and also finds it hard but not the same way I do. I see other mums on days with their children alone and think how the fuck do they do it? The day lies ahead of me and fills me with such anxiety - even when she’s having fun I still struggle. As a result I am rarely alone with her eg tomorrow dad is out for the night so grandma will be keeping me company.
I often think this is no life really.thing is there is a strong part of me that knows I will enjoy it more when she’s older - school age etc and can play independently and do things without me!
I have to add also that I am currently being assessed for adhd which, if diagnosed, would explain the ocd, the depression and how hard I just find IT.

my sister thinks there is a source of my depression and family members have asked whether I regret my daughter and why I have had her( which has been hard to hear). Maybe being a mum is the source of my depression but if that’s the case then I’m stuck. I don’t think it is but I just know all my feelings have become more acute since being a mother.
Sorry for this - just feel very alone.

You're being very hard on yourself.

No one is happy to be alone all day with a toddler. It's boring and relentless. They're cute as a button but come on, of course a whole day without another adult is boring.

Every single mum i know makes an effort to leave the house every day.

You're also incredibly sick and pregnant.

Is the 3 year old in full time nursery? If not, she should be.

I think you're setting some impossible standards for yourself.

When the makers of “Bluey” were asked if they feel they make other parents look a bit rubbish given how much they play with their kids / are so imaginative / no screen times / never snap at them / never lose their cool, the writers said something along the lines of this:

A Bluey episode is only 7 minutes. We don’t have to do the whole day, and anyone can do 7 minutes of good parenting. You’re seeing a highlights reel.

Don’t be hard on yourself OP. If your daughter is safe, well loved, well fed, and has a cosy bed at night you need to give yourself a pat on the bat. You don’t need to feel bad for not wanting to be with your kid for a full 24 hours, or for feeling overwhelmed about it.

If you feel there could be some underlying post natal depression there, do go and speak to your GP - plenty of pregnancy safe anti depressants / anti anxiety meds which could also help you. But be kind to yourself

All of the above. And it really does get easier/more fun when they are in school and are more of a person.

If you haven’t already OP then I would really recommend seeking some professional help, even therapy to help you unpack this.

I agree with the first poster that not everybody loves being alone all day with a toddler but I also don’t think it’s normal or healthy to dread it & need another adult with you and your child when your partner is leaving the house.

Thank you for your responses. I’m hoping things will get better. I know it’s not normal for me to dread being alone in the house with her- I perhaps dread is the wrong word, it’s more a fear. Trying to unpack it through therapy and hoping for brighter days.

Oh love. I well remember the feeling of lying in bed in the morning before the kids woke up and thinking…I can’t do this all again. It’s so god damn relentless and boring, having little kids. The physical work you do on a daily basis is unreal, not to mention the expectation that you constantly engage and entertain and educate.

Parenting is fucking hard. And I promise it gets better, really it does. I don’t have the answers apart from time, but I would give you a hug if I could.

I think this needs further exploration in therapy. For example, when you are at home alone with her, what does that bring up for you? What are you thinking? How do you feel? Are you overwhelmed or lonely? Both very valid negative emotions to have when raising young children. The parenting / motherhood journey is dynamic and ever evolving. It’s also ok to hate moments of it. It’s not sunshine and rainbows and the less pressure on women there is for it to be that way, the better. Sometimes parenting sucks, sometimes it’s draining, sometimes it’s boring, sometimes amazing, gut-wrenching, sometimes totally worth it.

Working outside the home wouldn’t be bad but maybe this isn’t the time to investigate that. You’re not bad - this is hard. Men tend not to do this full time do they?

Please hold onto that part of you that knows you'll enjoy more when DC are older. That was my experience. I am SHIT with babies but rather enjoying being a mum of teenagers. DC get progressively more interesting!! and I really needed space and sleep! Maybe you'll be like that too. Rather than saying- maybe I am not cut out to be a mum, say, this is bloody hard and I am doing my best and it will get better. And it will!
Seriously, who on earth would love being pregnant with sickness and a toddler? No-one!!!
Be kind to yourself, it sounds so tough.

All of the above. Also worth remembering that whilst you see mum's out with their kids, you cannot see how they're feeling! I probably look really engaged and happy but most of the time I'm bored shitless and counting the minutes until bedtime.
Do you have any mum friends? Sometimes they're a great source of company and help keep the kids occupied, and you get to have a chat and blow off steam.
I dread a day in with my young child, and have to go out twice a day just because somehow its easier outside although it may not seem like it x

@domesticslattern @AmyDuPlantier @GimmieABreakOr3 your responses have made me cry! (Of course!) xx

You’re not alone! 🩷
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