Am I right or wrong in expecting to be part of school parents WhatsApp chat groups?

[Should1orshould1not]

Hi,
we have 2 children a 8 yrs old and 11 yrs old.
My wife has always been in all WhatsApp group chats with other parents as she’s admittedly the more active one with organising things with our children (I do my fair share of parental work - don’t get me wrong - she just does… more). Also it seems most attendees have always been women (very old style, it you ask me).

I’ve recently pointed out I’d like to be added to the new WhatsApp group for the new secondary school for our son and she very much against. She’d joke she doesn’t want me added as I’m a bit more outspoken than her, she’s afraid I’d say the wrong thing and embarrass her. But recently I asked again - maybe a couple of times - and she’s recently categorically said no, that I have An obsessive personality and I should stop asking.

To be frank, I often think she’s got very good reasons for doing the things she does / saying what she says. But I couldn’t disagree more with her here.
I want to be part of my sons life fully, that is why I want to be in that chat - like last week it wasn’t clear what time they finish rugby, and it was discussed in the chat.
its not like I’m an absent dad, the opposite. I often pick them up, take them to places, do everything while my wife is away for work..
lastly / clearly I’m a bit more outspoken than her, but I’d never say anything too controversial with people I hardly know!

I would happily relinquish all parent WhatsApp group involvement to my DH. I’ve never lasted more than a term in any group. ‘Has anyone seen Lily’s cardigan? It’s blue with the school logo on’. 29 responses saying ‘no, sorry hun’. Fuck that.
Anyway… do you actually need her permission?

It sounds like she's worried about you saying something to embarrass her or your child on there - do you have form for saying things that are inappropriate/controversial? If so are you confident you can keep it to "what time does rugby finish tonight?" type questions? If so I would try to reassure her as it definitely is better for it not to be a women-only zone; I find the numbers of mums compared to dads on our groups so depressing

Why do you need her permission?

Another who doesn't understand why you need her permission.

Ask, when you collect from rugby, who is admin for the chat, so you can be added. End of.

Though I do wonder why she is so concerned..... is there any basis for her suggesting you would say inappropriate stuff on there ?

On a completely separate point...... Secondary School WhatsApp group ???? Surely not.

Whatsapp groups are a thing in secondary now? That’s new to me!

Blimey, I thought the whole WhatsApp thing would have fizzled out by secondary age. Personally, I think you are best off out of it but I appreciate you don't feel the same way. You don't need her permission! Get the admin to add you (unless she's the admin, of course)

I’ve never been part of a school WhatsApp group and I’m not sure they exist in RL over here?

I swap numbers with a few parents I’ve got friendly with and generally have about 3 mum’s that I check in with if I’m unsure of something. Can you not request to swap numbers with a couple of parents at the Rugby session?

Hmm, I'm not a fan of DH being on the same whatsapp groups as me. He doesn't read anything sent to him, doesn't really retain info unless he's interested in it, and so tends to ask really obvious questions to which I, and everyone else on the group, know the answer. I don't like it as it makes it looks as though we don't talk or co parent, and I feel it also makes us look like we're a bit incompetent as a family.

I’m surprised that there’s a WhatsApp group for high school parents.

Set up an FB page?

Have you form for being a pain? Do you take over?

I can imagine few things more hellish than a secondary school WhatsApp group. 😳 Our local Facebook page is horrendous enough with parents complaining about why their little dear has been excluded from school for pulling a knife on someone or complaining about why the bus had to be re-routed for an accident. I truly cannot imagine how awful a WhatsApp group would be.

That said, I think most parents would gladly hand over the monitoring of all things school to the other parent because these groups are awful. What’s happened in the past where you’ve kicked off? Do you have quite contrary views? Do you have history with another parent that will cause problems?

Also, is it actually an official group? Or is it just a group of mum friends who share information? Because these are different.

Kind of interested in "I do my fair share of parenting, she just does....more". How does that work then? 🤔

Re the WhatsApp group, you don't need her permission but do you both need to be in it? If your wife asks a question and gets the answer, does she not just tell you? I and my husband are in some of the same WhatsApp groups and I find it a lot more annoying that he asks me for the information when he has the same access to it as I do than when he didn't. So if you do join, don't do that.

(I do my fair share of parental work - don’t get me wrong - she just does… more)

Only one of these things is true. I'm sure we all know which one.

I don't believe there is a secondary school WhatsApp group. Are you trying to muscle in on your W's chat with her school mum friends?

I think it is fair enough of her if there’s a reasonable chance you’ll say something ‘outspoken’ on a school watsapp group. Like it or not one half of a couple is reflective of a couple.. so a poor impression made by you would also impact her.

A dad at our primary school started some trouble and the family are avoided. Including wife and child, they’re not invited to out of school social things incase he comes. It isn’t very fair but it is what happens. People don’t have time to consider the ethics, it’s just a ‘nope - avoid’. Hard to turn it around. So if there’s a risk you may kick off just leave well alone.

im astonished there’s a secondary school WhatsApp. The nightmare of WhatsApp’s is supposed to end in year 6! Can’t you just both escape the WhatsApp group? I really can’t see why you’d need one for secondary.