School anxiety

[Elaina87]

My daughter turned 7 over the Summer, she's just gone into year 3. In March this year she had an incident at school where she was told off in front of her class. She isn't a child who is usually told off, this was a one off and it's completely knocked her. She's a sensitive child and ever since, we have had difficulty getting her to school. By the end of last term she was breaking down in class and getting very upset. She was putting up a mental block with her school work and struggling with it despite being a bright child. I have talked to the school and they have done odd things to help but this isn't getting any better. She obviously has a new teacher this year who seems nice and I have tried to reassure of this, I have talked to him and he knows the issues. Yet last week on the 3rd day of school, she got up and went to tell him something. He just told her to 'sit down', didn't listen to what she needed to tell him, just turned her away. He was clearly at the end of his tether patience-wise as I think they are a rowdy class, but I'm honestly furious he took that out on her who is a quiet one. We are trying desperately to build her confidence back up and feel OK about going to school, and i want her to feel she can speak to the teacher when she needs something. This is the kind of thing that will knock her right back down - i get it would be nothing to some kids, but to her it is and I'm just so annoyed about it. I don't want to call up the school about everything, but I need her teacher's support with all this. Every morning she is crying and saying she doesn't want to go in. She was NEVER like this until March this year. It's really upsetting me as her Mum, I keep seeing posts of other kids saying 'they ran in smiling and came out smiling' and I just feel so disheartened. I just want to help her and build her back up but I don't know how? She has a practitioner coming in this week from the a local Worry programme for kids, so I hope that helps. And the pastoral lead has told me she will check in on her regularly in school. What more can I do? Has anyone else dealt with this and have any advice?

No advice I'm afraid, but bumping for you...

Firstly, mute social media, that is not helping you at all.

Secondly, email the class teacher and head and set out the whole problem as unemotionally as possible in bullet points, in time order, with dates if possible.
Finish the email with the problem now: Every morning she is crying and saying she doesn't want to go in. She was NEVER like this until March this year.

And finally ask the school: Please could you reply to me in writing to explain to me what steps the school will take to help her regain her confidence.

In the meantime start looking for another school as a move might be a better option than a protracted period of unhappiness and stress. That's your plan B.

At home just try to remove all unnecessary stress and give her loads of hugs.

Absolutely do not move school, that is teaching her a terrible lesson. She needs to learn that she cannot run away from problems, they need to be explained to her so she understands.

A teacher will inevitably tell her to sit down and more in the future, they don't have time to deal with every sensitivity of every student every second of the day, they need to teach.

Explain to her why she was told off initially and why her new teacher told her to sit down, keep explaining that it is something to move on from, the 'today is a new day' mantra, focus on all of the positives.

The more you dwell on negative situations the more she will, it's about teaching her a positive mindset. Is she telling you what great things happened each day? Are you asking? Or is all of the conversation centered around what went wrong?

The research was a back up plan b. Too many parents persist with a bad situation - it is possible the school is actually crap. Some schools are. Some schools are great.

If the school don't help with it and the situation doesn't improve, a sensible parent would choose a fresh start over a protracted period of school refusal.

School refusal can have lifelong consequences. You have to take it seriously and not let too much time pass.

You need to explain to your dd that the class has a timetable to work to, and she cant have the teachers undivided attention all the time. there are times for sitting down and listening,

Agree moving school is not a solution - but I have already talked in depth to her about it all. She knows why she was told off, we have worked through that however the way she was treated has had a lasting affect. And I do try to get her to be more positive and move on from small issues, but it's not working, she thinks about things very deeply. And i disagree that teachers can't deal with the sensitivity of a child who they know is struggling - all he had to say was ' I will speak to you in a minute'.

Thank you. I have considered another school with smaller classes, but I don't think moving school is the right thing to do for her. I totally agree it needs to be taken seriously though thank you. I think an email how you suggested is a good idea.

Of course I am trying to create a positive mindset and no I don't dwell on the negatives. I have very much tried to get her to think about what she likes about school but am struggling to get her to think more positively, and there is also such a thing as 'toxic positivity', she is allowed to feel how she feels.

She doesn't expect to have his undivided attention - not sure how you got that from what I wrote? Being a shy child who doesn't use her voice often, she plucked up the courage to go and ask him something and he sent her back to her seat without taking a minute to hear her. That's not on. I have tried to explain to her that things like this will happen from time to time and she needs to try and move on and not think too much about it, but she does.

I am sorry, but it is reasonable to ask a child to sit down if they get up when they aren’t supposed to. In the first weeks of term, they need to enforce to rules, otherwise the whole class becomes out of control. It is impossible to teach a class when children get up and wander about.
You also don’t know what happened in advance - it’s possible the teacher had just reminded children to put their hands up, not to wander round etc
I too have a very sensitive child, so I know your pain, but you can’t expect that they will allow her to just get up whenever she wants to. She needs to follow the class rules.
I would try to talk to the SEND teacher, her class teacher etc about the mornings, and make that your focus. My dc was given a special job to do every morning, that came with a badge, and it helped them to want to come to school.
good luck