Struggling to cope with having everything I ever wanted

[Nicunursemumof4]

Hi, this is my first time posting.

First i will set the scene a little. I have 4 children aged 2, 4, 6 and 15. I work part time 24.75 hours a week as a nurse days and nights and weekends. My husband works full time also 12.5 hour shifts days and nights.
My husbands mum has recently died suddenly and he’s struggling to cope after finding her. He’s signed off work, very disengaged, struggling to sleep, short tempered, shouting lots. He is receiving help.
Alongside this my eldest has struggled with physical and mental health since the beginning of the year and hasn’t been to school since January. The struggles are ongoing and she’s previously self-harmed and overdosed. She is awaiting professional help.
My 6 year old has autism and is very full on and likes things straight away and exactly what he wants to do and gets very emotional and angry. He is receiving extra support through school.
my 4 year old is often the antagonist winding her brothers up or being argumentative with me but really likes to help.
my 2 year old just does not listen (typical toddler behaviour I know) but he keeps climbing or jumping off things and the tantrums and whining is unbearable.
my children are all bad sleepers with the youngest never slept through and waking at least 3 times a night and getting the youngest 2 to bed is always a huge battle.
My husband also got a puppy around the time his mum died who is lovely but hard work and although I get the idea behind getting a dog for my eldest for companionship and the children I have never been a dog person and said that I want no extra responsibility. But undoubtedly I have responsibility to keep her safe, happy and healthy.
They are all lovely and I love them all dearly but I am struggling and I hate to admit it. I have fibromyalgia myself and the pain and fatigue is so debilitating but I’m pushing through as much as possible to take the kids out (as my husband won’t but they go wild if in the house too long), to keep the house functioning (my husband does help but I have to cook otherwise nobody eats). I have been signed off work for a couple of months as it all became too much to manage. I’m due to go back soon and although I welcome the break from home demand i am worried how i will cope. I have seen my GP and occupational health- both very unhelpful and could not recommend anything I don’t already do. I have self referred for CBT but I honestly don’t know how I can carry on juggling it all. At the same time I know I have no choice but to juggle it all. I’m on maximum dose anti depressants and have recently joined a gym to help with my fibromyalgia and to try and manage stress.

3 eldest are school age (eldest currently home tutoring via school) and youngest in nursery 3 days a week. We have little family support.

Any suggestions? I need another perspective. Sorry for the long post.

No suggestions but this is more than anyone could manage. I’m sorry you’re all struggling so much.

Your husband needs to pick up the majority of house stuff if he is signed off, though.

Just reading your post is exhausting! Can you reduce your shifts? Something has to give.

Personally the dog wouldve been a step too far. Can he take more responsibility for it? Also can DD help with chores?

Thanks for the reply @MyIvyGrows
i often think I’m just being weak and need to get on with it. But I know I would not think this for anyone else in this situation.

I think I might create a plan to share cooking responsibilities as he can do that whilst I work as I usually prepare food the day before so that dinner is more than pasta or take away as he doesn’t want to cook.

I am trying with my eldest but I tread on egg shells due to her mental health as she becomes really withdrawn and moody if asked to do anything she remotely doesn’t want to and says she’s overwhelmed. I’m trying to emphasise teamwork with no avail. But will keep trying.

Have you applied for DLA for your eldest?

Thanks for your reply @Newsenmum
it is exhausting but I often think I just have to get on with it and don’t really know where things can give anymore than I already do (my house is not a show home but I keep on top of the basics).

I have thought about changing jobs, or working from home or doing agency work. I have worked really hard to get my career where it is from being a teen mum. But it may be the case I need to do something to just pay the bills for a few years.

unfortunately I can’t reduce shifts any less with the job I do.

I end up taking the kids out as my youngest winds the dog up and I can’t stand the shouting from my husband

I can try to help. DS2 has autism. I was so shattered and on anti depressants when he was young. Things that made a difference were: telling him in very simple, clear words what was happening and why. Agreeing with his emotions if he kicked off, but not with his decisions. E.g. "This morning we are having breakfast then getting dressed then walking to school. Breakfast first.

DS melting down: I don't want breakfast. I want telly!
Me: I know. Wouldn't it be lovely to just watch TV all day? If TV made you big and strong that would be amazing. But it doesn't. Breakfast does. Do you want X or Y (suggest two things he loves that are easy to get ready)

The other thing that helped was to create a cosy place for him with a cuddly toy, cushions, blanket, a favourite book or object and whenever a meltdown started, say 'You are very upset and you deserve to feel calmer. Go and snuggle in your cosy place until you feel better.' I'd also say, 'When you scream I feel very sad and sometimes angry so I need you to get cosy so we can talk about what you need.

People will scorn this approach. But they don't have autistic children who are demand avoidant.

Finally, what helped me personally was to let things go. It's fine to give them tinned spaghetti with grated cheese and peas three times a week if that's what they happily eat. It's fine if the house is a bit of a pickle. It's fine to ignore advice or comments from people who don't have autistic children. It is a Very Good Idea to make friends with other parents of SEN children because they get it.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Hi, yes but it’s been declined. I’m appealing as she’s possibly got fibromyalgia as a result of all the trauma she’s been through the last year and is needing an adult around at all times as the only time I was at work and my husband was in bed after nights she overdosed

I’ll be honest, when I saw the thread title I thought I was going to read a post about someone who is living an idyllic lifestyle with all things they wanted from life but still feels unhappy. Your post reads as if the opposite is true. Is it the 4 kids you always wanted?

It all sounds more stressful than one person can possibly deal with without heading for a breakdown. Your DH needs to understand this. Obviously his mother passing is very sad but you shouldn’t be left to shoulder this burden. He won’t take the kids out, won’t cook, has landed you with a pet to look after…you need to tell him (not ask) to pick up the slack.

@Cinaferna Thanks for the suggestions. I like the idea of calling a cosy place.
He often hides away under a blanket in the utility with his tablet.
I try with those methods of options etc. obviously not always successful but much better than getting into a battle of wills. It’s just getting my hubby on board with this also. I’m not perfect I stay calm mostly but everyone has a limit and I might snap back which makes it worse but im
working on it

Seconding this. And shouting is not helping matters. Someone who is stressed and grieving can still be a prick, and he is one.

@Eastie77Returns
I feel incredibly blessed to have 4 children after having my eldest at 17 then being a single mum for many years, putting myself through university, buying a house etc. I never thought I would have another child and longed for more, the husband, the house, the kids, the job. All of these I now have. I was never disillusioned that this would be easy however I feel so alone and friends and family just say that they don’t know how I do it and you’re amazing, which is lovely but I feel I’m barely keeping my head above water.

I keep trying but I just get shut down. I’m having to make all decisions so I have started to say I am going to the gym once a week as I have no time to be me.

@MyIvyGrows I have tried to say in many many ways that I don’t like shouting, it’s not needed for all situations. The response is “well it’s the only way they listen” or “well you shout too” but I just feel it makes it worse. I understand needing to shout if there’s danger, which is the only time I really shout to get their attention .

Oh my god @Nicunursemumof4 - you are an amazing incredible super mum. This is so much for anyone to bear and I’m not sure how you’re coping.

I just wanted to send you love and hugs xx

@Lilactimes thank you for your kind words. It strangely helps to hear that actually this is quite a lot to deal with and the fact that I’m struggling isn’t just a problem with me not being able to cope. X