Parents of bullies

[AlocinJane]

My 10-year-old daughter has had a rough time at her old school. She was bullied by a group of boys, and in her class, the girls she considered friends often excluded her. I tried to help by hosting film nights and sleepovers, but it wasn’t really reciprocated. For example, one girl I had over on six occasions and I took her to the zoo, she had other children to her house but never invited my daughter.

My daughter is polite, friendly, outgoing, and where she should be maturity-wise. The other girls in her year seem a bit more advanced: they all have phones, they wear branded sports gear, and they’ve stopped playing with toys. I think that difference has made her stand out.

What I’m struggling to comprehend is the behaviour of the parents. One girl, for instance, came to my daughter’s party, came over to our house several times, and even came to a group film night we hosted just before term ended. Then, over the holidays, she had a birthday party and invited the whole group — except my daughter. I just can’t understand why parents would actively allow that kind of social exclusion. I know this isn’t a financial decision, before anyone suggests that might be the reason to limit numbers, that I would understand.

She has moved schools over the holidays and thankfully slotted in brilliantly with a friendship group that have a similar outlook.

The boys in her old class were absolutely vile and the situation was allowed to escalate by the class teacher who failed to properly address the behaviour. How are these kids being raised? My daughter knows my expectations when it comes to treating others!

What I am struggling with is parents who are happy for me to entertain their children (repeatedly!) but who do not reciprocate and deliberately exclude. Is this just today’s society?

Hey, just a point of view from the other side here, my son (13) goes to sleepovers at his friends house regularly, one of his other friends took him on holiday, gets invited to birthday parties etc, but i have never reciprocated, never had his friends over for sleepover etc but, his friends are generally only child or has only one younger sibling whereas we have a full house with 5 kids and don’t have the room for sleepovers, i don’t do birthday parties, i prefer instead to take everyone out for the day at a theme park, zoo etc and again i have 5 kids to take/watch out for/pay for, plus they wouldn’t fit in the car, so i don’t invite their friends.
Just another note: The friend that took my son on holiday considers my son his best friend, my son always looks out for him and has stuck up for him to bullies, etc but my son doesn’t see their friendship the same way and is actually closer to another friend and would invite other friend over holiday friend to stuff given the choice, what i am saying is maybe your daughter considers them her best friend but that might not be how they see their friendship if that makes sense? xx

I think the difference here is you haven’t reciprocated because you already have a house full and not that you are having select children over. I have friends that don’t have kids over at their houses and that is absolutely fine. What puzzles me is when parents accept my hospitality to host their child on multiple occasions and then have other children over and not include mine. It may well be that their child has a preference for other children but from a manners perspective I would be thinking I should return the gesture.
For example my daughter went to a birthday party, which was a whole class invite. She wasn’t particularly friendly with this girl but when my daughter’s birthday came around we invited her back. I think I am alone in this point of view!

I don't understand it either. I once was excluded from a birthday party as a child. I was the only girl in the class who wasn't invited. I was 7. I'm now 34 and I still remember how I felt on the Monday morning. I will never understand as to why her parents allowed that to happen. Maybe she decided not to invite me and her parents had no idea and thought I couldn't make it.

I also remember me not getting on with a girl in my class (different girl) a few years later, my parents said if X isn't invited you aren't having the party- you don't treat people like that, it's unkind. She was invited and I had the party. Im so glad my parents said that or I would still feel guilty about it now.

Unfortunately not everyone has had the same upbringing or the same standards as you. What is unacceptable or unthinkable to you, may not be to them. It's like when you buy someone a present and they don't even bother to text to say thank you, I could never, cringe, but to some- it's totally fine.

What I will say though, is, unfortunately you can't force someone to be your daughters friend. I know she's your baby and it's heartbreaking, but, as my dad always says, you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I'm glad she has made new friends and hopefully the invitations will come flying through. I wish her all the best. Take care x