Husbands voice not heard

[YellowBannana]

Hi everyone,

Ever since me and my husband had our first baby we have struggled in our relationship, mainly around having disagreements (they get way heated in a way they didnt before).

My husband is repeatedly saying he does not feel heard and im now exhausted trying and failing to resolve this issue, so i could do with little advise from my fellow parents out there.

To be specific, we were late taking our toddler upstairs to bed, whilst having a conversation. In the bathroom im keen to crack on with potty time, brushing teeth, running round after him etc, whilst still looking and trying to show that I am listening to my husband speaking. (Im a little frustrated as I want him to move and talk but its not too much of an issue as i will tell him to help with stuff and he does). The problem is when he starts to get annoyed with me and saying im not listening or asks me to repeat what he just said and if i dont get it right then it proves his point. We start to bicker and it causes such a rift between us. I also feel so much more emotional now im not on any birth control and it gets me feeling so mad that this has come up again and led to another argument. Ive tried saying that i try my best and i’ll work on improving but when i also say i think he needs to adapt to the change im accused of spinning this around and blaming him. Seriously, how do couples still have relationships after kids?!? Also, we get plenty of time to talk to each other on the evening and during a work from home day so its not like we never see each other….

Looking forward to some advice xx

Your DH is behaving like a sulking toddler and demanding your attention when you can’t give it to cause and argument.

id keep walking away and focusing on my baby and let him sulk, he sounds awful OP.

Surely he's got to pick his times better, once the child is in bed you can have "proper" conversations.

Oh god I absolutely hate this, my husband does it occasionally and it drives me up the wall.

it all stems from them picking a totally inappropriate time to have a conversation and then getting arsey when they don’t get their required level of attention. It’s totally driven by their ego and subconsciously wanting to feel they are still your “priority” as the children are rivals for your attention.

at bedtime, shit just needs to get done, and he needs to pick a different time to make this point.

Very unreasonable of your Dh to demand a conversation while you are busy putting toddler to bed.
He should be helping with bedroom and talking to your toddler or go away and leave you to it.
I would just tell him that if he wants to be heard he will have to wait until you are free to listen.
This is definitely not your fault op, it’s his so tell him straight.

My partner is very similar. I am always being told no one listens to him, or that his opinion isn't valid etc. and much like yours he just expects that he has undivided attention no matter what I'm doing! I have no advice as no matter what I do it's not really enough. I have just resigned myself to the fact I'm not going to feel guilty etc for it anymore! Think men take a bit of a hit when kids come along and they are no longer the sole focus of our attention/affection

Is your partner an idiot? Genuinely. Who tries to have an adult conversation whilst putting a toddler to bed? This is exceptionally dim. Put the toddler to bed, then have the conversation!!? Rocket science, this isn’t.

sounds to me like your husband isn’t helping enough with the evening routine or he’d not be trying to talk to you about things that require your attention etc.

When we just had the one child, my husband would take him for bath time whilst I would whip around the front room and clear up any toys etc out from during the day, then go and get his bed stuff ready (actually possibly the other way round). Once out of the bath, my husband would get him ready for bed and I’d get a bottle ready. I’d then do a story and bottle and put our eldest to bed. I think we alternated each night though, so he wasn’t reliant on me to fall asleep. The point is the whole evening routine was divide and conquer! Once in bed, we’d sit down for dinner and talk about our days etc.

Maybe try getting him to do the evening routine tonight and you do to him what he’s been doing to you - see if he realises it’s actually really hard!

@Kel33- no, ‘men’ do not take a hit, but ‘selfish childish entitled men’ do indeed when a baby comes along with actual needs instead of wants.

He’s an idiot. He can wait to talk to you when toddler is asleep. He sounds like a jealous moron who doesn’t like attention on his child instead of him.

I think you should suggest to him (in a calm moment, not when you're already mid argument) that if you feel unable to give your full attention to the discussion (because you're busy running around after your toddler) you should be able to say "can we discuss this in an hour's time?" and he should accept it's a bad time and you'll be able to listen to him later.

Honestly, he just needs to be mature enough to pick a better time. It sounds like you have time to talk later.

I imagine you have slightly less patience with this silly man child than you did before you had your child. He sounds dreadful.

Do you get any time where it's just the two of you?

Thanks for all your replies, feel much clearer on the situation now.

Think im going to try and rise above it and take some of your advice when next time this happens i’ll suggest we pause the convo and pick it up again when our son is asleep.

I’ll also try and explain to him that certain times of the day like the nighttime routine should not be a time for long chats and its better to focus on the task during these times.

Hopefully repeating those two things above will get us somewhere.

He’d happily take on more of the nighttime routine alone, but my son is a real mummies boy and we find it works best doing it together...