Should I feel guilty?

[Lucyjane22]

Just wanted to come on here to hear your opinions. I have a 2 yo daughter. I’ve been a SAHM since she was born and she’s now almost 3. I had to put my career goals aside during this time (willingly as dd was planned). After discussing with DH, I’m now back to work and studies full time while he stays with our toddler at home. My course is very intense and we’ve agreed that he’ll fully take on childcare duties for the year.

The problem is that I’m starting for feel really bad and guilty when he gets overwhelmed with our toddlers sleep. She’s been having terrible sleep lately and wakes up in the middle of the night and stays awake for hours before settling again. When I was the one staying at home I would always vent to him when I had a hard day with our DD. He seemed understanding and empathetic but I knew he would never truly understand until he was in my position. At that time he was still able to go to work and leave the house on his own whenever he wanted. I did become a little resentful if I’m honest. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, I’m glad that he now understands what I’ve been going through but I also feel bad when he’s not able to get a decent sleep because of dd’s night wakings. He’s always tired and in a grumpy mood (which was me before lol).

I guess I just want to know if it’s normal for me to feel guilty because I’m sure that when I was a sahm he didn’t feel guilty. What do you guys think?

You don't need to feel guilty at all, it's what parenting is, it's what you both signed up for.

I think this is a very normal reaction from both of you. Is your DH broadly happy with being a SAHP (except for the sleep thing)? It's not for everyone.

She’ll get funded preschool hours next term. Even if you’re not eligible for the 30 hours everyone gets 15 hours the term after they turn 3 which would be 5 mornings in a term time only preschool. If you haven’t sorted this already I absolutely would make it a priority as it’ll make life so much easier for the SAHP and 3 is also a great age to start nursery. I’d also consider if your DH wants to go back to work. You weren’t suited to being a SAHP, which is totally fair enough because not everyone is, and maybe he’s the same? Also I’d definitely be looking to tackle the sleep with some (gentle?) sleep training. No need to feel guilty because such is life with young kids and you’ve more than done your share but I’d also be looking at what you can do to make things easier for both of you.

Could you not help in the night? Depends if he did when he was working though I suppose. Couldn’t he work and she go into nursery/childminder at least part time if he’s not enjoying it?

he says he’s happy with it because we’ve both agreed on this but I can tell he’s struggling to cope. I guess he’s just getting used to what comes with taking care of a toddler.

Thanks for that Bitzee. I think you’re right about getting her into nursery. I’ve been thinking about it lately and I think that will work best for all of us. She would definitely benefit from nursery and I’m sure she’d love it.

and yeah I realised it last year that being a sahm isn’t for me. I’m glad that I was at home for the first 3 years though. It allowed me to create a strong bond my daughter which is lovely.

really appreciate your insight ☺️

Well I could but we’ve decided that he’d deal with night wakings since he’ll be at home and I have to be up early for uni/work. On Friday and Saturday nights I take over for the night wakings. But yeah I think the best thing for us is getting her into nursery part time.

I think you're managing this very well. He can have a rest at weekends. He can have some downtime with her too - i recall dozing on the sofa while eldest did something on her own in the room with me at that age. Needs must sometimes!

It does sound like a bit of nursery/preschool would suit you all. Depends on whether DP is able to some part time/wfh work or similar so you are still covered for your studying as needed. I love being part time with young children, for me it is the best of both worlds.

1. No I don’t think you should feel guilty. It’s what you both decided and agreed on.
2. However, as she’s nearly 3 I’d really consider if one of you needs to be in a fully SAHP role. I think you’d probably both be happier with a more equitable split - can DP go 3 days a week or something and she can go to pre school? Kindly, a lot of families have two parents who work full time and still have to deal with night wakings
3. Speaking of night wakings, this is supremely common around age 3 due to people holding on to the nap too long. Is your DD still napping? If she is I would definitely look at dropping it.