I grew up in a dysfunctional family. DH is now low/no contact with his, but I think some of his upbringing affects how he parents - and it probably impacts on how we are, we've had no support at all with either child since DS was born.
We have DS (preschool age) and a 6-month-old DD. When DS was little, he and DH got on fine. Since about 18 months, DS has had a very strong Mummy preference. With me, he listens, reasons, regulates after time-out, etc. He’s well-behaved at preschool too.
With DH it’s the opposite. DH parents how he was parented: lots of “because I said so,” constant “no,” and sometimes physical gestures (grabbing a shoulder, leaning in). DS screams, runs away, and recently has started copying that physical behaviour with other children, which worries me.
DH admits he falls back on old habits (“I’m tired/automatic reaction/etc.”), but it feels like excuses. I try to encourage them to bond — swimming lessons, farm trips, pick-ups, reading together — but it’s always an effort, and often ends in arguments or chaos. This morning we were all awake at 6am after yet another row between them.
DH is basically a SAHD while I work self-employed. I need the space to work, but DS constantly wants me, and I suspect he masks when I’m not there. Preschool two days a week to give them some time apart hasn’t really helped, and we can't afford to increase his days any further until I can earn more.
I’m exhausted. Is this fixable? Has anyone been through similar and found a way forward?
(PS: Before it comes up — I’ve suggested DH working and me doing more childcare. He’s applied for jobs but struggles due to a disability and hasn’t had success. Right now, I can’t juggle things to give him more gym time, even though it’s far from ideal.)