EBF and little help from partner .. or AIBU?

[PockerMaus]

Interested to know how you and your partner would 'share duties' with a newborn? I have an 8 week old son and my partner and I seem to be arguing a lot and I feel like I'm not getting enough help from him.

For context I am EBF so I do all the night wake ups and haven't ever really bothered him over night unless our boy is being really tough to settle back to sleep and I need some help. My partner has pretty much slept overnight since he was born and when he was on paternity leave (he had 6 weeks off) he would often not get out of bed until 10/11 whilst I would have been up for hours with the baby already.

I feel like I often have to ask him for 'help' with our son or go find him in the house if I need him to watch him for a bit whilst I sort myself out. He'll often go and play on the Xbox in the evenings so he'll be upstairs. The other night I was struggling with the baby about 11:30pm, my partner watched me get him out of his crib after settling him 10 mins prior and my partner just fell asleep. After about half an hour of trying to settle him, I poked my partner and said can I have some support. He angrily said something like 'well stop what you're doing cause it's obviously not working' and fell back to sleep. I then started watching something on my phone to keep me awake whilst I fed him again to try and soothe him and my partner stormed out the room saying it was too loud.

He then came home from work yesterday and went straight to bed. (He gets back about 6pm). He woke up around 11pm when I was putting the baby to bed and we barely spoke.

I just feel like this is not normal parent behaviour? I don't want to tell him how to parent and I don't want to keep 'asking for help'.. with our child.

Just finding it really hard, I love my son so much but sometimes I just need an hour or two to relax. I've also been pumping a bit so he can give him a bottle on the evening as we agreed he would do one of the evening feeds however he makes no effort with this unless I prepare it all and suggest he gives it to him (we have to warm the bottle etc up as he's developed a bit of a bottle aversion so trying to get him back to taking it).

Not sure if this is just a rant from 1 very tired mum or if I need to lower my expectations..

Sorry but I can't get over him staying on bed until 11 when he was on paternity leave - he should have been taking the baby first thing for an hour or two to let you sleep in as well as doing all the cooking and housework so you could rest, I'm guessing that didn't happen?

Realistically there's maybe not much he can do to help with settling the baby at night though I understand wanting some moral support if nothing else. At that age dh would play on the PlayStation in the evenings with the baby sleeping in his basket next to him so that I could get a few hours proper sleep upstairs, would that be an option? I'd probably leave off the bottle feeds for now as work the extra pumping etc it sounds like more work for you than it's worth but he should be taking the lion's share of the nappies and housework when he's home.

Your post has made me full of rage on your behalf!!

I ebf three kids. I did do all night feeds as we worked out husband being awake to settle/change nappy after just resulted in us both being awake. While on paternity leave he took the baby after I fed during the day so I could catch up on sleep. Shared all other baby/house duties.

Once breastfeeding was established and I started pumping he'd take the baby on a Friday night so I could sleep. I didn't prepare anything for him, he did it himself.

Our second had reflux and colic. We'd take it in turns to deal with the evening horrors. He'd take him for a walk in the baby carrier.

Basically when he wasn't at work we shared everything except feeding.

Your partner is a useless piece of shit, a crap father and you both deserve better.

This should've been nipped in the bud when he thought it was reasonable to stay in bed until 11am on paternity leave.

Your expectations are way too low, you need to raise them.

I used to do the overnight stuff but my dh would do the evening shift so I could get some sleep early on. He was also doing all of the housework at that point. Can't believe the getting up at 11am - i don't think either of us have done that since he was born! He needs to get up and take over for a bit so you can rest.

Yes when he went back to work we also did 'shifts', I'd feed them and get my head down early evening. He'd stay up til midnightish and then hand them over.

You need to raise your expectations. This is horrendous, I'm so sorry.

Your job is feeding, and looking after baby while he is at work. He should be cooking and cleaning when at home and taking baby in the evening between feeds to give you a break, bathing or taking baby for a walk etc. You need to sit down and have a frank conversation with him. If he is having a full night's sleep he certainly doesn't need to go to bed after work....let me guess you've not had more than a couple of hours sleep for the last 6 weeks?! He needs to shape up fast.

For you it’s looking after baby and feeding etc but he should be doing everything else. We personally did not think it was worth waking up DH to help me after a breast feed but in the mornings the kitchen would be clear, dishwasher emptied he would leave me breakfast or make me breakfast - when we started bottle feeding he washed and sterilised the bottles - when EBF and on Paternity take baby from me to burp hold baby while I slept only coming to waking me for a feed etc. Had a section and complex recovery and infection too.

He sounds really unsupportive. I'd be having serious words as that is not ok! Hope you've got supportive family & friends around? You need to look after yourself too as difficult as that is, otherwise you'll burn out.

Would he be receptive to a convo about it? Can you give him some set things to do? There's a chance he might not know what to do to support you (even though it's obvious!) x