For the love of GOD help me with my DS wetting himself

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Please help - we are at our wits end!

We have a 3.5 (nearly 4) year old DS. He is our second and has an older brother.

We potty trained in February of this year and he got it really quickly. Happily used a potty and took himself off to it when he needed the toilet. Needed some encouragement with number 2s but again, got it. I would say he was pretty bullet proof and even when out and about he would be able to hold it in until we got to a toilet. We progressed to moving to the toilet and he again seemed to take to that pretty well.

Then little by little he began to have accidents This started late Spring. First it was little wet patches, then he started soiling himself.

Now we have full on accidents all the time. Multiple times a day. He absolutely knows what to do, what the sensation is but it's like he just doesn't want to go and sit on the toilet and would prefer to wet himself. We have tried taking him at regular intervals but it's become a sticking point and he has massive tantrums when we try to get him to go. We have tried rewards, stickers, charts, positive reinforcement. When we ask him if he knew he was doing a wee he says he does, when we then ask why he didn't ask to go to the toilet he says he doesn't know.

This is especially bad if he's doing something he really enjoys and he would almost prefer to just wet/soil himself than stop and go to the toilet.

This doesn't happen at nursery and he rarely has an accident BUT he doesn't ask to go - they take them at regular intervals and because he's always got a friend going, he'll happily go and try.

We have washed every sofa/chair multiple times and really really don't want to put him back in nappies (and he point blank doesn't want them either).

Has anyone experienced this or got any suggestions of what we can try. I'm trying so hard not to get cross with him but it's wearing me down!

There’s a brilliant charity called ERIC with loads of resources on this - and a helpline too I think.

well worth a look

If he’s soiling as well, he may well be constipated. Agree that the Eric website is great.

My first thought was constipation too. Eric is a great resource. My eldest had constipation and she actually didn’t have the sensation of needing to wee until she was weeing.

I don’t think it’s uncommon to regress a bit with it, my DS is the same age and had a few weeks this summer where he was having a lot of accidents! I had some success with setting a timer/the Alexa because it wasn’t me asking if you see what I mean. Just oh look the timers going off time to try on the toilet. Is he comfy on the toilet, do you have a little seat? I found DS didn’t like feeling like he might fall in. Also it was VERY popular when Daddy taught him to do a stand up wee outside!

Does he drink black current or Ribena. If so stop !

I thought constipation too. It isn’t always obvious if you end up in an overflow situation. Or if you’re certain he isn’t then could it just be laziness/not wanting to stop what he’s doing? Get him involved in clean up and drag out changes to make them reallyyyyy boring so eventually he learns it’s quicker to go.

Thank you so much for the responses so far - I've had a look at the ERIC website and it does have some good suggestions. I will give them a ring tomorrow.

Regarding constipation, I really don't think it's that - he is very regular and often goes twice a day.

My gut says it's laziness and he doesn't want to stop - we've tried consequences like having to have a shower afterwards (which he hates) etc but he is a typical second child and shrugs things off quite quickly!

I honestly wish it was just a few times but it's been since May and it is frequent, every day. At the weekend I counting 7 pairs of pants and/or trouser changes! And we've tried using Alexa and even making the alarm a funny sound but he just stamps his feet and refuses. He has a seat so is fairly comfortable (as much as he can be on the loo)

Sorry, I don't mean to be such a downer and dismissive but I feel like we've tried everything!

He has different squashes or water - why stop?

I was always told blackcurrant and ribena (anything other than orange basically) irritates their bladder and makes them wet themselves.

I have never heard of this -thank you. He can be a bit fussy with drinks but I will try and remove it and see if this helps. He could very well have an overactive bladder having read some things on the ERIC website

Yes. A good idea to cut out all juices and squashes and see if the problem resolves. At that age you can tell both children the dentist / doctor said they must only drink water and milk. It is supposed to be a healthier habit!

And we've tried using Alexa and even making the alarm a funny sound but he just stamps his feet and refuses.

What happens next ? Does he get taken away from doing interesting things?

My DD used to refuse going to the toilet by herself (never wet herself though) and we eventually got it out of her that sometimes it hurt going to the loo (constipation every now and then) and because it hurt she didn't want to go to the hurty room. Child logic iyswim. So I used to have to stand in the room and chat to her for distraction and after six months I was able to sit at top of stairs while she was in the toilet, still chatting. Then I was eventually allowed to potter in the bedrooms putting stuff away but no chats. She just needed reassurance I suppose, because it hurt sometimes. Do you think this might help DS?

@INeedAnotherName thanks for that. What usually happens next is he isn’t allowed to continue playing with the fun toy/have a snack/go to the park or whatever it is until he goes to the toilet. But he is VERY stubborn and will often escalate to tantrum. We never back down and have tried various approaches.

Regarding going to the loo, I will usually go with him mostly because I want to check that he’s really trying for a wee and not just messing about down there with the taps! So I sit on a step and we have a chat. Once we’ve had the say so from him that he’ll go to the loo he’s usually quite happy to go and try. But it’s getting him to agree to go that has become a battleground!

Follow through with the nappy threat.

Do you still use a potty? Sounds like you don’t from your post. Could you have a few around the house so at least when he’s in the middle of something fun, he doesn’t have to go into a different room to the actual toilet, the potty’s right there? I know that’s not a solution exactly but could be a start in the right direction

Mmm, our challenge was significantly less than this but DS was dry at night, then purposefully weeing AFTER he woke up, because he just didn't want to go to the toilet. So we told him he'd have to wear nappies all the time if he didn't get on top of this - including at school, with friends etc.

Of course, this worked because we were 100% certain it was laziness and nothing else. It would have backfired spectacularly if there had been anything else going on.

I am generally a pretty chilled parent but if my child was choosing to wee rather than go to the toilet (vs not realising they needed it), I would NOT be allowing him back to whatever fun activity it was. I'd be saying, "oh no, we can't go to the trampoline park becuase whenever you go there you get so distracted you refuse to do a wee"

I suspect people are goign to think I'm mean.

ETA that we have a nephew who was a bit like this. And his mother's view was that she wanted to do "baby led potty training". sadly, that child has NEVER learnt to follow instructions or to accomodate other people and to this day (he's 10) has truly awful toilet habits.