struggling with everything

[MROMR]

I want to say i’m genuinely writing this with such a heavy heart, so much guilt and a lot of hatred towards myself since i’ve always wanted to be mam growing up and now i’m here don’t get my wrong i adore the bones of my LB, i love everything about him and wouldn’t change him for the world he’s perfect, i just simply don’t really enjoy motherhood/being a mam and i feel so horrible and selfish and i hate myself for it! I feel like this is down to struggling quite bad with postpartum depression which i’ve had therapy for anyways but in all honesty did not help much. My relationship is so so different now too don’t get me wrong that was expected with having a baby but wow i didn’t realise how much we were like completely in love always so all for eachother now it’s just so different and so distant it’s awful it breaks my heart i grieve the old us still much! We get one child free day/night a month due to parents having LO which im so grateful for! We also live at home with parents due to money not being great so it’ll be a few years before we do get our own place so LO is in our room on a night so we have to be quiet with the telly and talking ect or LO stirs a lot, or if we go downstairs obviously parents are there due to us living with them, don’t get me wrong i love being with parents due to the help we get, the bond LO has with them and everything but it’s also so overwhelming due to not having our own space or routine or anything like that! I just feel so suffocated by the constant packing a house up to go anywhere, crying/whinging, mess, cleaning up mess from mealtimes, nap times just feeling like the whole world is a big busy rush all the time! My partner works long hours to bless him to keep us afloat and to live a good life and have fun but i miss him when he’s out, i miss the help when he’s out and i’m just so wrapped up in just being a mam. Like i’m saying all this and i feel like i sound so selfish and ungrateful and just horrible i hate myself but i just miss feeling normal so much! i hate feeling like this because ive got the most beautiful LO but yeah this is how i feel and i just needed to get it off my chest.

That sounds tough op. Are you speaking to anyone about your depression atm or taking anything? If not I would look into that. No shame in seeking further help, it’s a v stressful time. How old is your baby? Are you on mat leave? Perhaps going back to work even part time would help you mentally as you get a break from the drudgery.

I’m not at the minute no, i had CBT a few months back and got discharged but i don’t honestly think it helped at all. If im completely honest i struggle reaching out for the help because im genuinely disappointed in myself for feeling this way. My baby is 10 months old, i had to leave my job when i was pregnant too as i was with an agency and wasn’t coping well! Honestly i dread waking up on a morning and starting my day and the guilt is eating away at me because i should be loving the part of my life and i should be grateful i’ve got the chance to be a mam:(

Everything you’re feeling is normal. Life can be overwhelming. Please can you be kind to yourself. Not everything has to be perfect and things will fall into place. Try to slow down and get rest when you can. Take small steps. It does get easier.

Could you not move out & rent? Maybe look to see if youd get a uc top up? Its hard to live with parents, let alone you, your partner and a baby living in one room.

Please approach someone - GP, health visitor… you deserve to be cared for and to find a path away from these feelings all the time. You deserve it, your little family deserve it x

also to add have the GP recommended any medication? I was the same and they helped a lot.

would u be able rent something out even if it’s one bedroom flat?

I do try! i just feel like he’s 10 month now and i feel no better sometimes! Don’t get me wrong this feeling comes and go in waves but i just don’t want to feel like this i want to enjoy motherhood like i thought i would x

I’m honestly unsure if it’s doable lovely! like honestly if i 100% knew it was doable i’d jump! Money isn’t the best, i’m not sure what extra UC i’d get either. It’s so hard for sure, it’s a blessing in disguise having the extra help but it’s a struggle not having the space and somewhere to escape to as a couple ect :( x

I not long ago got discharged from CBT therapy and i feel like it hasn’t massively helped me. I took me forever to reach out for help to get there as i just feel so disappointed in myself for feeling these things when all i wanted was to be a mam. I also feel so embarrassed how much i struggle when i have parents at home helping as well as my partner when he can :( x

The GP referred me to CBT and said they didn’t want to give me medication incase i ended up in a worse mindset with them and thought the CBT would help. I’d love to, i need to find something i can do. me and my partner always said we’d try stick it out and try get together a deposit over the next couple years so we can get a house when he’s on his max wage and properly qualified. I’m worried i can’t hold on that long i just want an escape! x