Schoolfriend's parent - taken aback by this

[usedtobeaylis]

I found out today that the mother of a school friend of my daughter's apparently told the friend that she doesn't really like my daughter and finds her annoying - which was then repeated to my daughter. l'm pretty taken back as they have both been welcomed into our home in the past and there has never been any indication of any issues from the mum. It's bad enough trying to guide 10 year old girls through inevitable friendship issues without parents saying these kinds of things. Is this a normal thing for parents to do? It's ultimately water off a duck's back to my daughter (or so it seems, you never know what they hold onto in their little minds) but I'm fairly flabbergasted. I wouldn't dream of saying anything like that to my daughter about any of her friends. I don't really get involved in 'school mum' stuff and I do remember last year this mum trying to inveigle some info about my daughter in relation to something that happened at school, which I wasn't forthcoming with so I wonder if it's actually me she now has an issue with which she is projecting onto my daughter? It's making me think I've done the right thing by keeping my distance a bit 😬

How do you even handle something like that? I just said that it wasn't a very nice thing for anyone to say and asked her how she felt about it and reinforced the idea that she has some very good friends that's an important thing. I was really thrown by the fact this was seemingly coming from a parent.

this is all hearsay. always maintain the higher moral ground. what did your DD make of it? as you say, reassure your DD and support her in her friendship choices. It is more concerning that the friend repeated it to DD -- what was that about? That's where the issue is IMO; but basically tread gently here and keep comms open with daughter. Do nothing, keep listening.

Chinese whispers involving children have a way of massively distorting things. I remember when mine were younger trying to figure out what I could possibly have said that dc would have interpreted in a way that led to some comment of theirs which if taken literally would have caused massive offense.

Fortunately the adults involved were adult enough to come to me and ask me about things rather than take my dc's word.

Yeah I'm not making a big deal of it and focusing on my daughter rather than anything to do with the parent - either the parent did or didn't say it, but the friend definitely did bring it to her for whatever reason.

I don't really think it's worth taking to the parent - whether she does or doesn't like my daughter, there's not anything we can do about that. I'm just a bit nonplussed.

I wouldn't necessarily believe it to be true.

It's much more likely the other kid was trying to be mean to your daughter and that's why she said it. I find it very unlikely a grown adult would tell their daughter they didn't like one of her friends and found her annoying.

So just ignore it. Your daughter should probably try and broaden her friendship circle as this young girl sounds a bit of a mean girl type to be saying such things.

But certainly don't confront the mother about it. Even if she did say it, which is massively unlikely, she'd just deny it to your face anyway surely?

My response to this would be to disregard the parent and focus on your child's friendship.

Is the other child and positive and stable influence on your child? If so, then let them get on with it.

As kids get older, parents have less and less influence on who they choose to friends with.

I think people are all just human and sometimes say stupid things that get repeated back, although I can fully see how it would be hurtful to your daughter.

I’m ashamed to say that I said something negative at home about one of the school mums not realising my child was listening (when my child was about 5), and I had a mortifying moment of my child saying it out loud infront of the other mum when they saw I was standing near that mum the next day. It could be a similar thing, it might not be that the parent has said it to her child, more the child overheard it, then repeated it. Not that that makes it better at all. I’ve learnt my lesson the hard way.

They have had some issues in the friendship - they're not best friends by any means but my daughter does insist she's a good person and wants to stay friends with her. The girl has recently receive a neurodivergence diagnosis and I think my daughter is trying to be understanding about how that can impact friendships.

She does have a decent circle of friends thankfully so she's not reliant on this girl by any means. I did wonder about if it was a 'mean girl' thing but I still find it hard to believe young girls can be like that 😬

Aye that's true. Although the idea of the girl overhearing her parent talking about my daughter irritates me more than if she just said it to her 😆

Gawd young girls can definitely be like that. Just wait till she is 13!
Glad she's got plenty of other friends. But definitely take anything the other kid says with a pinch of salt.

Likelihood is that the mum did not say that or said something relatively innocent, and the girl is trying to be mean.

Or may she maybe did say that but parents are people too and there are plenty of 10 year olds that I find annoying... I wouldn't dream of saying that to my son but sometimes we blurt things out and regret it or we say it out of earshot but the little buggers hear everything.

You say, well, that isn’t kind and then you move on and don’t make a big deal of it.

It could be the mum did say that, in not so many words, because of something your dd (or you) have done. There’s a boy in DD’s school who I don’t like and I don’t like his family. The boy is mean. The family is short fused. Dad is always trying to fight everyone and racist and kicking off making threats to children and their parents, their neighbours, former employers. I’ve told dd that they’re awful and to stay away from them after one too many incidents. This is an extreme example. But it could be something happened and the mum did say that your dd was unkind and to give her a wide berth.

Or it could be she said nothing of the sort and the dd is being unkind or she’s interpreted something wrongly. Her mum saying, no Henrietta cannot come over today or no I do not want her here for a sleepover (for reasons having nothing to do with your dd).

I’d simply shrug it off. It’s Chinese whispers. Focus on your dd and building up her other friendships.

Yikes we've definitely not done anything mean and there's been no suggestion of unkindness. Just to be clear. There's no parallel between the family you describe and mine.