Angry 6yo lashing out - advice needed

[Pinkballoons55]

My 6yo DS has struggled with managing his feelings for years, and I've always put it down to his age, but recently its got out of control and im struggling to know what to do/how to deal with it. Looking for advice on how to respond to his anger outbursts.

he can be so loving and kind, and then something will happen that will just trigger him and he spirals into pure rage, attempting to trash whatever room he is in, push/kick/scratch/bite anyone who happens to be in his way (usually me, but sometimes his 3yo sister)

For example, tonight after kids club he came in, gave me a cuddle, was all happy. Then him and his sister were choosing a snack and DD chose a toddler fruit bar thing that he doesn't usually eat, and he chose an oat bar. When he saw what DD had, he decided he wanted that, when told there wasn't another one, he started screaming, trying to hit her. I held him back and he clawed my arm to the point that he drew blood.

When we were on holiday he was angry that he had to get dressed before going to breakfast and got so worked up that he threw a table across the room.

During the outbursts, ive tried punishing him by taking away toys/privileges, ive tried getting mad and shouting, ive tried staying calm and explaining why he can't behave in that way, validating his feelings, taking him out of the room, ive tried both staying with him through his rages and also tried leaving him alone. I just can't find anything that seems to work. Has anyone got any ideas of anything else I can try?

I feel like I've done just about everything. Im really worried he's going to seriously hurt someone. Im covered with bruises and little cuts from his pinching and scratching myself and I'm worried he will do this to others.

It's just so impulsive, it comes out of nowhere and there doesnt seem to be a pattern (unless its just, not getting what he wants but it could also be if he makes a mistake e.g. if hes writing and does a wrong letter), and its getting increasingly difficult to manage/deescalate. I really struggle with calming him down.

When he does calm down he usually shows remorse and apologises, says he won't do it again, gives me a cuddle etc. Ive tried talking to him about his feelings in those moments and he says things like he just feels so angry he doesn't know why he hits etc.

I obviously also want to deal with the cause of this behaviour. We suspect there is some neurodivergence there (he struggles to concentrate/follow instructions, he's had issues with behaviour in school too. He barely eats anything and ends up ij our bed every night as well) but we haven't taken it any further yet - not sure whether we're at the stage where we need to speak to someone about it tbh.

I would love to hear from anyone whose been in a similar position to see if theres a better way of dealing with this. Im really struggling to cope and feel like I'm failing him.

I think you definitely need to look at the ND route, either through your school or the GP as that level of violence and outburst has usually stopped by his age for the majority of kids. If he is ND, it's a long process to getting diagnosed and getting him extra support, so the sooner you start the better. Best of luck.

Sounds a lot like my 6 year old DS who is currently on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment (24 months where we are…) He does show quite a few of the typical signs of ADHD but the poor emotional regulation is the main issue.

He will blow up over such trivial things & is very difficult to regulate. Endless phone calls from school to collect him as they can’t calm him down. The best thing I’ve found is distraction. If I know he’s about to blow then totally switching the conversation to something I know he’d want to talk about (at the moment it’s football) and that sometimes works. School also designed him a ‘regulation toolkit’ which is basically a laminated A4 sheet with pictures of different ways to help regulate, so if he’s struggling to say what he wants to help calm down he can point, I can’t remember exactly what’s on it but it’s stuff like “cuddle” “fidget toy” or “‘movement” - this does help sometimes too.

honestly, I know how difficult it is at times and how much it can make you feel like crap, and that you’re not doing enough to help / doing the right things. You sound like an amazing mum x

also, the explosive child book is a good read if you’ve not read already.

Thanks @118bd Ive just ordered that book. Will give the distractions idea a try too. Really appreciate the advice. This summer has completely exhausted me!

Im planning on speaking to his new teacher at school to give them a heads up too, I think I've read its easier to get a referral for assessment if the school is on board as well..

My 14 yo was similar. The outbursts you describe were similar and they got worse at school when the social communication demands of KS2 got bigger and harder to navigate. The school ended up excluding him quite a few times due to the violence / dysregulation. He got a diagnosis of autism and attends a specialist school now. He’s extremely academically gifted but he struggles so much to keep his emotions in control in a mainstream environment. I would strongly urge you to pursue the appropriate pathways for any diagnosis. It’s unlikely this will just go away on its own. He’s a great teenager now. Still vicious with his words but not violent.

Iv cried just reading this as it sounds exactly like my 5 year old son at the moment. I’m exhausted and not sure where to go for help.

@Catmother20 So sorry to hear that - Its so hard isn't it. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting.

I have to say, Ive started reading the book that @118bd recommended and so far, I'm finding it really helpful. Maybe could be worth a look for you too?

We've just had a very testing holiday away with friends - I think any time we're spending long periods of time around other children, the differences just become so much more obvious and I find myself getting more frustrated. The first week back at school has been a disaster too - already had a message from the teacher about "silly" behaviour, showing off, shouting out etc. Is it terrible that my first reaction was relief that he hadn't hit/hurt someone!!

@Catmother20 So sorry to hear that - Its so hard isn't it. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting.

I have to say, Ive started reading the book that @118bd recommended and so far, I'm finding it really helpful. Maybe could be worth a look for you too?

We've just had a very testing holiday away with friends - I think any time we're spending long periods of time around other children, the differences just become so much more obvious and I find myself getting more frustrated. The first week back at school has been a disaster too - already had a message from the teacher about "silly" behaviour, showing off, shouting out etc. Is it terrible that my first reaction was relief that he hadn't hit/hurt someone!!

Sounds like my 7 year old who has been like this for years. Currently seeking help and waiting for various things so can’t offer much help. But I’ve found recently that if I get him to do a challenge as a distraction it snaps him right out of things. As an example he threw his bike down on the way home and ran off then was trying to rip up someone’s garden and was kicking out at me. I said to him I bet you cant hop back your bike without stopping and I started to do it and make a show of failing. Then he started and was laughing again in minutes. It’s so hard to get into that head space when you’re in the face of their anger, but have found if I can get him to move and try and bring a bit of silliness it really helps bring him back down.

Read a book called the explosive child by ross green.

Have you managed to speak to his Teacher yet @Pinkballoons55? I would ask for their SENCO to assess him. Don’t be put off though if they say no, just come back for some more advice. DD’s schools were really obstructive for years.

Are the school doing anything with him like allowing fidget toys or doing the https://zonesofregulation.com/regulation-skills-experts/ Zones of Regulation? And are you doing anything to help with regulation? For example 10 minutes of exercise before going into school can some DC.

It’s probably worth filling in this simple progress checker. If it says he needs some support he’ll need a referral for a hearing test and some SaLT.

It might be worth speaking to your local School Nurse service as well to see if they can offer any advice.

If he does get a diagnosis of ASD at least then he can have Melatonin prescribed although some MNers do buy it online. It doesn’t suit every ND DC but for us the slow release version has had a dramatic effect.

Have you spoken to the Birmingham Food Refusal Service too and have you heard about ARFID?

Agree with others on this thread too. This isn’t typical behaviour and the waiting lists for assessment are long unless you go through private assessment like Caudwell Children.

And lastly, do pop over to the SN Children Section. All of this is a lot to process and the MNers in that section are wonderfully supportive

Thanks @BunnyRuddington loads of advice there - ill take a look at all of those things.

His previous teacher (before summer holidays) arranged for the SEN support person to observe him but it resulted in them saying they weren't going to give him SEN support because it coukd just be age related development, and they were going to monitor how he was in his new class this year. Part of me wonders if it was a timing thing, being the end of the school year, but I've spoken with his new teacher this term and so far there hasn't been any support or information, just updates on his behaviour. He is aware of everything though, I guess its early days, its only week two of the new school year.

How long has he been in his new class? The school will really only do something if he is so unmanageable that they are after evidence that it isn’t the right setting or you pressure them.

If I’d had my time again I would be much more pushy.

My advice would be to call and ask to speak to SENCO and ask them to observe him again now he’s in his new class.

Then head on over to the SN Children section and ask about applying for an ECHP.

The fact that you started your original post by saying it’s been years suggests that it’s behaviour that has been happening for a ling time and is not temporary.