Problematic school friend - year 2

[Boo2U2]

My DD goes back to school tomorrow and I'm dreading it, for one particular reason. She made friends with a girl last year who has a very domineering personality, and is a very bad influence on her. This girl tends to corner my daughter at home time, whisper in her ear and then they will run off together, not listen to me or the other girls mum. They run to this girl's house, despite it being in the opposite direction to ours.

I know I can't fully put the blame on the other girl, because my daughter goes along with it, and clearly I am to blame to a large extent because of my failure to stop it. She's 7 ffs!! How am I letting this happen??

I have tried:

• Picking her up from school in the car instead of walking
• Sticker chart / other incentives to get her to listen and come home nicely
• Consequences - not doing nice things we had planned after school because she didn't listen at pickup time
• In the early days we were having regular play dates with this girl, but I have put a stop to that and we haven't seen her all summer.

I can't physically restrain my daughter when she runs off because I have a health issue which means I can't, I could seriously injure myself if I tried to pick her up or contain her.

The other girl's mum is a bit useless tbh, just tuts when they run off and says "what can you do?"!!

I have spoken to the teachers and they are both very well behaved at school, although inseparable and exclusive of other children. My daughter says she no longer likes any of her old friends, only this girl who she seems utterly obsessed with. I have encouraged play dates with other friends over the summer, and made sure she did not see this girl, but my daughter has done nothing but complain about not seeing this particular girl.

When we do happen to see other friends out and about, at the park etc, my daughter will play really nicely with them. On one occasion this other girl appeared and told my daughter not to play with anyone else - she even told her "stay right here and wait for me" when she left to go to the toilet!! I told my daughter she shouldn't let anyone speak to her or control her like that, but she seems to idolise this child and will do whatever she says.

Unfortunately there is only one class, so they will be together again for Year 2. I'm absolutely dreading it, and feel like the worst parent in the world because I should be able to take control of the situation.

What more can I do? I'm really stressed about more difficult pickup times, and more than that, I'm worried about the impact on my daughter's other friendships and social development.

The domineering friend is common problem in primary school and very annoying!

Running off at hometime time is a discipline and safety issue. The consequence needs to be immediate and strong and you need to assert yourself. My response to this was always to insist that if dc ran off then they had to walk holding my hand, and I would deliberately walk very slowly but then I’d chatter nicely. It’s embarrassing and annoying to hold mum’s hand age 7 so I found this worked.

I then realised I can get round the problem of being tempted to run off at hometime by taking dc2 home on his bike (we both cycle) which he loves. That means we have to walk over to the bike sheds, have a quick drink and snack and sort out helmets and locks and wait for crowds and traffic to die down a bit. Maybe not possible if you are not heathy but it’s an idea!

I think picking up your daughter from school for a bit is the way to go to break this dependence.
The other girl sounds like she has issues of her own with confidence (domineering often equals insecure) - I'm sure her mother is worried - the controlling behaviour is a form of subtle bullying and your daughter is obviously terrified of offending her.

My other suggestion is that they switch classes if that is possible ?

Children do get obsessed and possessive of each other and overly dependent - and it's often not what we think of friendship more a means to negotiate social pressures fear of being disliked by peers - the best friend scenario is often projected unwittingly onto children by parents as an ideal setup (if it's the right best friend - which it hardly can be) - and you are being very wise to sense the danger in this - I remember a teacher once saying to me children shouldnt have a best friend at this stage just lots of friends.

I think it's also worth talking to your daughter about the importance of relying on lots of different people - you can talk about how you are friends with more than one person perhaps - and asking her if she is scared of offending this girl, if so - remind her that friends don't tell us what to do, or boss us around, only mums and teachers do that!

Does the school have any after-school activities? Mine do clubs on 3 days after school (sports/arts activities not for wraparound care) so that would avoid issues at pickup (there's a cost but they get a nice hobby out of it so it's worth it). Otherwise you could book a nice activity for after school that she needs to go to.

Sorry, I see there is only one class.

I'm fully aware of how pathetic I sound here - but how do I make her walk holding my hand? She just laughs and runs away. I've even tried bribery (I know, I know) saying I'll take her in the shop for some sweets if she comes nicely with me, but she just says she doesn't care! I'm just at the end of my tether with it. I don't know what I can do, short of handcuffing her.

Sorry @MimsyMe I meant to add, I have taken her to school on her scooter before to try to get around this. She actually ran off with the girl, I was shouting that her scooter would be locked in the playground all weekend, but again, she ignored me. The scooter was locked in the playground all weekend.

I am hoping so - and hoping that the other girl doesn't do them as well! Unfortunately she probably will! Last year both girls did two after school clubs together. Just can't seem to escape her.

How annoying. Can you sign her up to after-school club for a bit? Pick-up is usually much stricter and she might make new friends. Ask for a class change?

I would tell her that if she runs off again you will put her on reins and ensure her teacher knows she needs to be brought out to you for that reason. And follow through if necessary.