Why does parenting my 6YO DD get me down so much?

[MumDoingHerBest]

I have a 6YO DD who turns 7 in 2 months. She is loving, kind, funny and very bright, and was my only child for almost 5 years - she was the absolute apple of my eye and I probably unintentionally spoilt her. Most things I did were all about making her happy, and we had some fantastic times together just the two of us. Fast forward to now, I also have a 2 year old and a 2 month old (all girls) so my attention and time is now split 3 ways. My eldest is really struggling lately with various things, and so many of our interactions on a daily basis are getting me down and making me feel like I’m not currently being the parent she needs - I feel like she’d be better off with someone else as her mum, as I love her to bits and spend so much of my time fretting over whether I’m doing a good job with her or not, generally concluding that I’m not.

For example this evening after a busy day hosting family and lots of sugar etc she brushed her teeth before bed and I asked if I could check to make sure they were nice and clean. She has been pretty lazy with tooth brushing lately and as a result her teeth are starting to go a little yellow so I like to help her and/or check afterwards to make sure she’s brushed well. Anyway this request caused her to get very upset, annoyed and she basically dug her heels in and wouldn’t move off her bedroom floor. I eventually talked her round but she stomped into the bathroom and came out with things such as “why do you have to do everything and always check on me or insist on doing things again”. It made me
feel like an awful parent and as though she feels stifled by me.

I regularly find myself over analysing our interactions and apologising to her for things I’ve said despite my other half and other family members saying I haven’t done anything wrong. I just feel like I need to do better or else she will end up damaged or resentful. Does anyone have any advice? Is this just what parenting looks like sometimes? It’s really getting me down. 😔

It looks like you're over thinking this because you feel guilty about her no longer having your undivided attention. I have a child of the same age and we have some to-dos about tooth brushing and whingey/ spoilt behaviour, then everyone moves on and forgets about it (until the next one). It's standard and not at all a failure on your part.

she will be glad she had sisters when they are old enough to be fun.

shed the guilt and stop apologising - you’re her mum, and part of your parenting job is to stop her becoming too bratty.

She does not have to be happy all the time - childhood is about learning and sometimes learning is not comfortably.

She is the eldest and a girl. I've yet to meet an eldest daughter who isn't strong and opinionated!! They normally capable, independant & reliable. Yet quite motherly with her younger siblings. You may see a 7. 2 year old but having 2 younger siblings so close together means she has had to grow up fairly quickly. Remember she isvthe eldest and no longer wants/needs be babied.

I’m just wondering if your mental health could be suffering a bit after the birth of your baby? What you said about her being better off with someone else is so far from the truth!

I definitely do feel guilty and I’m aware I do a huge amount of overthinking as a result! Situations that my other half/friends who are parents could easily brush off and move on from quickly, I tend to analyse for hours if not days. It leaves me questioning most of my interactions with my daughter which is just exhausting and sad because I so desperately want to enjoy her and the time we do get together.

How do you handle these ‘to dos’? Eg if your child doesn’t want to brush teeth/hasn’t done a good job and makes a big fuss - do you insist or try to talk them round gently or something else? I try to talk my DD round gently, saying come on, please just give it another go etc etc but she basically doesn’t listen until after the 50th time asking I eventually get grumpy, then she stomps and slams things and it just usually ends in tears. I don’t know how to break the cycle. 😫

I do hope so! She has so much fun with 2YO DD when she’s in the mood for it, and is really good with both of them, but sometimes I sense that she wishes it was just her again. I guess younger siblings can be annoying and that’s natural but because there was a big age gap I still sometimes think of her as single entity - I probably need to change my mindset. 🥴

I definitely do need to shed the guilt, I just don’t know how!

I really struggle with giving her the independence she probably craves because for example with basic self care she is really quite lazy and easily distracted eg brushes one tooth for the entire 2 minutes because she’s busy gazing out of the window or dancing around, or forgets to rinse conditioner out because she’s busy drawing stuff on the shower screen with her fingers. 🤣 I’m certain these are tasks most 6YOs would have some help with but she gets frustrated with the ‘fussing’. 😬

Yes, definitely am struggling with MH - am getting help for that following a traumatic birth and long-standing MH problems (fairly low level but persistent) but sometimes feel like I’ll never get better. I carry a huge amount of guilt as a result of childhood/past relationships and think this massively affects me when it comes to parenting. 🙁

I would recommend the book Untangled by Lisa Damour - she explains this shift so well with girls.

Oh love you are 2 months postpartum you are doing a great job! You are so mindful of her feelings and getting everything right that you’re tying yourself up in knots. This is so common and the fact that you care so much proves that you are an amazing mum, they don’t need anyone else but you.

Mine are 4 and 1 and I still feel so much guilt for my eldest fit not having my 1:1 attention and my youngest never having had it so you’re definitely not alone in what you’re feeling.

When I find myself asking more than twice I try again in a warm but firm/matter of fact tone as “I’m going to help you now/I’ll be back in 5 for my turn” instead of “can you let me…?”. I have to physically prompt her/get on her level/ hold her hand to guide her etc as sometimes she needs more support to go through the motions. When I frame it as a choice to my dd and she will generally choose no so I definitely empathise!

you’re doing amazing, make sure to look after yourself and be mindful if you need more support even just to talk about how you’re feeling.

You are in a very busy stage of your life and it will pass... A new baby is hard work and sometimes we forget that
. Other siblings have to learn that they fit in but are no less loved...they will learn this by consistent behaviour from you (Hard everyday, I know) I would say to your 6yr old that she can be responsible for brushing her teeth but must do them as well as she can (let her choose toothbrushes when shopping) also do you have a little timer she can use so she's at least 'brushing' them for a good minute or two?
Tell her that sometimes you will be checking to see what a GOOD job she's doing as that what mums are there for. A dental check up (if you can get one) will allay your fears or tell you more care needs to be done, until then don't over worry.
Try to pick your battles with your older children....not everything is worth the stress. I would be happy that your eldest is a little dreamy...it shows she's thinking and using her imagination.
Take care of yourself

I may be too authoritarian, because if it's something important like tooth-brushing I get stern quite quickly- I tell all my kids with a hint of menace "there's no messing about with tooth brushing", and on rare occasions I physically restrain in order to get it done thoroughly. I let my eldest have too much independence with tooth brushing too early and she ended up needing several fillings (deciduous teeth thankfully), despite having a pretty good diet and brushing regularly with an electric brush and timer. I let them do their own teeth some nights with prompting to do the back or do it for longer, but when I do it for them (a few times a week) I brook no dissent. I don't have an NHS dentist, so fillings bring intolerable bills and maternal shame both!

In other areas of conflict or difficulty I just wing it with variable success- I quite often feel
like I don't know what to do, but I know she knows that I love and adore her, and I trust that the rest will come out in the wash.

You sounds like a lovely mum BTW.

Thank you for the recommendation, have downloaded this book to my kindle so will give it a read. 🙏

Similar to @Mwnci123 we were always strict about toothbrushing and set up a routine of timing DD and watching her do it when she was about 7. I realised that my co-operative and coaxing along/ almost gentle parenting style was not ideal for situations like this and done things needed to be more like orders than persuasion. In fact, I remember @BertieBotts giving some great advice on tackling these type of conflicts if you’d always been able to distract from tantrums at a younger age so never developed other skills to manage conflicts.

We had some tricky times with DD at around that age and I recall that we ended up setting a quite strict routine and always sticking to it, so some things were non-negotiable (morning & evening routine in particular), but being fairly relaxed about other things. However she is an only child so I can’t offer any advice about the sibling relationships, though given the age gap I wondered if your two younger girls have a different father so there is a new partner she’s had to get used to?

I feel similar. I have a 2 and 7 year old and I there's so much information about the early years I never know if I'm doing the right thing by my 7 year old. Id have thought the lying down crying would be over now but she can be stroppy. I actually made a thread for this age a few months ago if you'd like to join. Navigate our way together. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5323179-6-8-year-old-parenting-club-birthday-partys-homework-and-extracurricular-decisions?page=9&reply=146813776

Just popping on here to say thank you to you @EllieQ and @Alwayslearning25 as I somehow missed your replies! I have taken on board everyone’s advice and am starting to see little improvements but still struggling with the big emotional outbursts over the tiniest things. Yes @EllieQ my eldest daughter does have a different father, but we separated when she was very small and she has known my now DP since she was 3. I’ve never asked/suggested to her that she calls him step dad or the like, but she will go between calling him daddy/extra daddy and simply his name - it’s very relaxed and they do love each other to bits HOWEVER as she has gotten older there’s definitely been more resistance to his requests, so the majority of the requests now come from me but sometimes it’s inevitable that he will need to do the parenting - 99% of the time they have a blast but the other 1% it can turn into a full blown meltdown. ☹️