Tired of Parenting 6yo & 4yo DC

[tiredmumof2zzzz]

I feel lately like I’m running out of my parenting energy and most importantly patience. I’ve become increasingly short tempered with my DC lately, and obviously beat myself up for it. It’s like I’ve had enough of the constant bickering, talk back, whining, having to say everything 10 times, the tantrums and being at their service at all times. It was obvious today as I went to a cafe with my 4yo at a shopping center. As soon as we sat down with our coffee and cake, she says she needs to pee. I just felt inside like omg I’m so sick of this. Off we go, take our food back to the counter to be kept for us and go find the toilets somewhere…

It’s been more than six years of this by now and I find myself dreaming of getting some of my freedom back more and more. I think I expected things would have become easier by this stage of parenting, but I don’t actually feel like they have. I’m not sure I find 4&6 much easier than 4&2 tbh. Sure they are out of diapers and the 6yo can already help themselves to a lot of things, but other than that…A new issue recently has been that my 6yo won’t join in a lot of things anymore that he used to enjoy. Like going to a child friendly museum with me and DC1. He now often says that things are too childish. So, now we don’t get those shared days out easily anymore either as he’ll either won’t come or will complain and basically ruin the day. I’m fine to do things alone with DC1 but I’m a bit sad that this is starting already now, at 6! So - there are somehow less positive and fun things together than before, and the same amount of the drudgery. Can anyone relate?

When I start to feel like this it's normally because I need a proper break.

Are you a single parent? You don't mention a partner - if you have one how much do they contribute to childcare?

When did you last have an evening out, a weekend day off, a couple of days away on your own?

Fill your tank OP

Are you doing enough of the things you like to do?

At 6 and 4 mine understood that I had a tea break ( once a day) and as long as I had tea in my cup, I was on 'mummy time'

I have DH who is a decent father. He takes the kids to hobbies, does things around the house and we take turns at bedtime. But I’m practically solely responsible for everything fun for the kids. I’m the one who always finds things and places to go to and often go alone. He will only take the kids out if I basically tell him to - and it’s only few times per year. He’s never taken them anywhere over night, so I’ve never had a night home alone after kids. I’ve taken them on little city breaks alone a couple of times. These issues have been a source of resentment for me tbh. But all in all, he is more or less supportive in our daily life.

I have been telling DC for ages that I’m having a coffee break and cannot be bothered until I’ve finished I do have a 3 night business trip coming up and also an overnight city break later in the autumn with a friend, so maybe my mood will improve after those.

Mine are now almost 9 and 7 and I still feel like this. In many ways yes it has got much easier than the stage you’re at, and I appreciate that; and certainly there is much more alone time. But the sitting down and immediately needing to take one or both to the toilet. And general demands all day every day. Yes there are good and great days and moments of joy and pure laughter but also the relentless hours of whining, bickering and general neediness. Hearing “mummy!” a hundred times a day. When I’m struggling to get them into bed and asleep I often think to myself “how on earth have I been doing this for nine years and it’s still a total shit show” It’s tiresome, and you can’t just tap out. There’s a whole world out there of people who aren’t chained to the house between the hours of 5pm and 9pm

I think you need to have a regular arrangement where he takes the DC out. One weekend morning, perhaps. A regular arrangement can be helpful if he's not likely to be spontaneous about it - talk to him and see what he suggests maybe?

I also found my mood improved a lot when I started a regular evening activity for me - I joined a choir and so DH does bedtime on those nights. It often feels like total freedom just to be walking out the door esp if they have just started arguing/complaining! And getting back after they are asleep is so calming. DH then started to do a weekly evening hobby thing for himself too.

Do you have any friends/family who would babysit, or would you look into an agency sitter/ask around for recommendations? 4 and 6 are great ages for a babysitter because the bedtime madness is usually 99% past and they tend to be reasonable enough not to mess around for someone who isn't you. We also have DS1 who is 16 so we occasionally ask him to babysit and again the feeling of being able to stroll out into the sunset is bliss. It's also nice to just spend time with DH without one or both of us being utterly drained and exhausted.

If you have the option to book an extra night on the business trip that is sometimes worth doing. Otherwise I think the city break might be more restorative

Thank you for taking the time to comment. It’s great advice to have a regular time when DH takes both kids out. And we would absolutely benefit from a night out as a couple at least once a month. I’ve been hesitant to use baby sitters (elderly GPs or a paid sitter), because my eldest tends to still tantrum and can be quite wild and generally on the difficult side, so I’ve felt it’s too stressful to have GPs babysit much. We have used also a 16 year old relative a few times and should continue that. As said - he won’t tantrum at him for sure.

It’s kind of comforting to read that even parents of 7 and 9 yos feel this way - even if of course that doesn’t bring much hope that this will improve anytime soon But I believe more alone time will make a difference to me as I’m quite introverted. So far our DC don’t spend time in their own rooms during they day, but hang out in the living room area all the time. Which also means there is constant chaos…

Why take them to a cafe in a shopping centre??

Just take them to the park with a flask??

You're just asking for trouble

I posted this thread about 6 months ago and found it’s interesting and maybe useful to read what my thoughts were at the time.

So, six months later I’m afraid things aren’t really better. They are now 7 and about to turn 5 and I’m as knackered as ever. Our 7yo has some challenging behavior again lately, as he did around the time I last posted, and it’s really quite challenging for me. Have often feelings like can’t anything ever just be easy! Starting from missing the bus, because we can’t simply walk to the bus stop, but need to stop on the way to collect sticks and climb where ever they can. Many times it is easier, and they behave nice and so, but I’m generally a bit stressed due to the behavioral challenges so my tolerance for issues can be lower. As an example, yesterday took both kids to the library and cafe after school, which they were excited about. But on the way the 5yo started tantruming because of having to walk. I really tried to stay patient and managed reasonably well, but still I’m sure my tension showed to her. And inside I was fuming - having left work early to spend a nice afternoon but then wasting the time on tantruming on the street! Once we got there we all had a nice afternoon.

We’ve made plans with DH for how we could both get more free time, but I find it’s really hard to actually stick to those plans and make them happen. Things always come up. Life is so full on with work, school run, kids hobbies and all that. Luckily I have an evening with a friend coming on the weekend, and an overnight trip in a few weeks, so get a bit of a breather.

But honestly - I never thought parenting would be this hard at 5 and 7. I thought after like 3-4 things would get much easier.

Planning to really try and make filling my own cup a priority. And possibly seek some professional support with DS7.

Mainly just posting now as an update for myself to look back to when again months have passed. Of course always nice to hear from others in the same boat or parents past this stage who can offer hope 😁

Hey OP, I replied to your initial post and 6 months later I feel compelled to come back and give you a big virtual hug and say I feel very much the same way. It’s the (now) 7 year old! Such hard work honestly in every single way. I will say the 9 year old is actually now (mostly) a delight and good company so maybe there is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel for us both… but my god I too have this overwhelming feeling of - I’ve been parenting for almost a decade now why is it still so hard!! But my summary is it’s age 7 (and all the years preceding) Hard work.

Also I’ve come to the realisation that perhaps this is a “me” issue. Like yourself I’m an introvert and I find the noise and chaos that comes with motherhood really quite overwhelming. That I’ve been putting on a brave face for several years and the cumulative fatigue of it has got to a point of burnout I suppose.

I think you’ve nailed it right there, when you say it’s the cumulative fatigue from putting up a brave face for years by now! That’s it really…and also that it hasn’t got easier the way you thought it would by now. But I’m so glad to hear your 9yo is mainly a delight by now ❤️ It really gives hope! Right now I do imagine that my 5yo will be much easier by 7 compared to how DC1 is now. She’s just much more flexible and adjusting even at 5.

Right now we’ve had a few better days where mood has been mostly good, no big meltdowns or challenges. Still tiring of course, but not as much. It goes in waves with my DC1. He seems to have rougher patches that last some weeks, and then again better times.

Anyway, virtual hugs to you as well. I think you are at the brink of things getting much easier now that your youngest is 7.

I have a pregnant friend and I secretly just dread even the thought of starting over with a new baby at this point (and age, we’re early 40s). 😬

I think you need to be kind to yourself - early 40s with a 5yo is on the older end of the spectrum and with that comes tiredness etc.

What else can you do in your life to make more space for you? How much do you work? Can you reduce or compress hours to get some time off while they’re at school?

Both should be getting to the stage where they can be dropped off at hobbies rather than accompanied. An hours drama
class can be a run or walk for you. Target things like scouts where they get to go on weekend camps etc as well!