My toddler doesn't listen to me

[UnusualBear]

Sorry, I know that no toddler listens particularly well, but my 2 year old doesn't pay any attention to me at all when I try to get her stop doing something. I say no calmly getting down to her level, which she ignores. Same if I say it more firmly. I've tried shouting (which I hate) but that just makes her laugh. I even try explaining why she can't do something (she has a slight speech delay, but definitely understands much more than she can express) and she'll listen patiently then carry on with the bad behaviour.

If I ask her to do something like put her shoes on or brush her teeth, she'll do it no problem (which is what I mean about her understanding what is said).

The only way I can get her to stop doing something is to physically stop her. And not only does this make me feel inadequate and like a shit parent, I'm also scared she is going to hurt herself or someone else if I can't stop her doing something in time. And there are behaviours that I can't let slide - scratching me, pulling my hair, climbing up things.

(Just to add, she doesn't hurt me when she's upset or angry - it just comes out of nowhere, which makes it worse).

The other thing is that it's only me she won't listen to. My partner just has to say no firmly but calmly and she'll immediately stop, perhaps whinging a bit as if to say 'but I want to do it, please let me'. And she hardly ever engages in any of the really bad stuff when he's around, like she never tries to hurt him and won't go for me if he's there.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's like she doesn't respect me at all. And that doesn't bode well for the future - I'd really like to nip this in the bud before she gets older.

I am quite a quiet, softly-spoken person by nature, so maybe that's part of it.

I am telling her no every time because I understand consistency is important, but it's just so disheartening to be ignored.

This is partly just a vent, but mostly looking for some advice please!

She plays up most for you because you’re her most trusted adult. Don’t take it to heart.

scratching and hair pulling - get up or move away from her and completely ignore her.

At 2, you should try to avoid saying no all the time. Children of this age are reasonably easy to distract or refocus on something more positive.

some of her behaviour is likely attention-seeking, so try focusing on something else, eg, she’s climbing on something - “hey, let’s have a look at your new book!!”

Thanks, that makes sense and does actually make me feel better.

I guess I say no so much because I'm worried she's going to grow up thinking I'm a pushover. But distractions and/or walking away sounds far less gruelling for us both. I'll give it a go.

Not shouting but you do need to use really simple words in a very clear voice if you want any hope of them understanding, which might sound a bit rude/harsh to adult ears but remember their language is still developing so ‘down now’ is much better than ‘darling we mustn’t jump on the coffee table in case it breaks it or we fall off and hurt ourselves so will you please come down’. Too many words and you just lose them. It’s also her age and typical boundary pushing where she feels safest i.e. with you. I’d repeat an instruction 2-3 times then if not complying just physically remove her or yourself depending on what makes the most sense in any specific situation. Where you can also redirect into a more appropriate activity. She will get there promise!

Thank you - I really like the idea of giving her a chance to listen before having to intervene (when appropriate and she's not about to plummet off something face first;) But that keeps everyone safe whilst also helping her get the idea that she's supposed to listen.

When I needed support with DD years ago, the person involved told me to always use DD's name first to ensure you have their attention, so

"Susan put your shoes on" "Susan, walk don't run" rather than "Don't run Susan" etc as they only start listening when they hear their name.

She also said to use short sharp instructions not flowery language so "Susan, shoes on " rather than "Susan please put your shoes on" . So instructions rather than requests or begging

Great idea! I never considered that, but name first makes so much sense

Mine got their name and middle name if I needed their attention. Amazing how it works!
Also I found gaining eye contact and speaking slowly and quietly helped. They were little beggars though, sometimes I would despair. But they were easy teenagers and are delightful adults.
Hang on in you can do it x

I remember seeing something about telling them what you want them to do not what you don't want them to do. Because they will only hear/register the last part of a sentence.

So if you say "don't pick up the Apple" they hear "pick up the Apple" or " stop jumping on the bed" they hear "jumping bed".

Better to say thing like, "Sit down.", "Stop", "give me the pen" or " We only throw soft toys. Is that a soft toy? No? Can you show me a soft toy we can throw?"

Say no firmly remove from situation and stick with it do not give in. Or else distract her with something else to do