Page 2 | Another baby with no 'village'

Hopingandwaiting2021 · 2025-08-29T17:51:16+00:00

Just looking to see if anyone can offer experience. My DS is 3 and I would love to give him a sibling BUT I'm worried how we would manage. It's really just me and my husband, we've no other help. Is it manageable if its really just the two of you? Even things like when I had the baby I'd be in hospital alone (so husband can look after DS). Have you done it? Was it all ok?

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OriginalUsername2 · 30/08/2025 15:40

I think all parents have to take full responsibility for the extra work and not expect anyone else to take that on.

(My SIL kept having babies and assuming MIL was a second mother to them. MIL cried when she announced a fourth but never said a word to her.)

Meadowfinch · 30/08/2025 15:44

Of course you can do it. There are two of you. My ex lost interest pretty soon after ds was born so I've done 17 years on my own. Every feed, every night waking, taught him to cycle, to swim, cooked every meal, done every school run, every sports day, every nativity play by myself.

No family nearby but there are other single mums and we support each other in an emergency. You'll be fine.

Namechange822 · 30/08/2025 16:15

If you don’t have a village yet, the easiest way to cultivate one would be to ask DS’s nursery key worker to babysit a few times.

It will cost £10-£15 an hour but you don’t have to go out for ages, just a couple of hours once a month for some adult time with your husband.

You’ll get used to trusting someone else, DS will get used to a babysitter, and you’ll have someone who you can ask to do a few hours of an evening whilst you’re in hospital to help out.

Once you feel confident with his key worker doing it, when she’s busy ask if anyone else from nursery can help.

Mudflaps · 30/08/2025 16:27

I was a single parent but had an incredible village (we joke that my ds had four parents, myself, my parents and my brother), I also had my friends and indeed my parents friends, never struggled to find a childminder (paid a cousin and later a friend of my mother), didn’t need babysitters as there was so many wanting to spend time with ds but now I'm in my mid 50's and retired, ds is in his 30's, I moved 200km 17 years ago when I married and I'd absolutely love to be part of a village but have never really made connections here. I love children and have more time on my hands than I like. A few years ago I offered to mind the preschool child of a young woman who used to work for us when she was a teenager, she wanted to finish her degree but struggled due to the cost of childminding, we had it all set up ready to start but her mother threw a tantrum and insisted on minding the child having previously refused to (she appeared to fear the child becoming close to me). I wish there was a way to link up with families who could use the time I have to spare.

Original poster

Hopingandwaiting2021 · 30/08/2025 16:28

Thanks @Namechange822 that's a really good idea! He's just started a new nursery and once he's settled I'll definitely try as she seems a lovely lady. I do think part is a learning curve for us as we aren't used to it either!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hopingandwaiting2021 · 30/08/2025 16:30

Mudflaps · 30/08/2025 16:27

I was a single parent but had an incredible village (we joke that my ds had four parents, myself, my parents and my brother), I also had my friends and indeed my parents friends, never struggled to find a childminder (paid a cousin and later a friend of my mother), didn’t need babysitters as there was so many wanting to spend time with ds but now I'm in my mid 50's and retired, ds is in his 30's, I moved 200km 17 years ago when I married and I'd absolutely love to be part of a village but have never really made connections here. I love children and have more time on my hands than I like. A few years ago I offered to mind the preschool child of a young woman who used to work for us when she was a teenager, she wanted to finish her degree but struggled due to the cost of childminding, we had it all set up ready to start but her mother threw a tantrum and insisted on minding the child having previously refused to (she appeared to fear the child becoming close to me). I wish there was a way to link up with families who could use the time I have to spare.

How wonderful that would be for everyone!

OP posts:

Cinaferna · 30/08/2025 16:34

We had no family help. I had loads of family and close friends within walking distance while I was pregnant and they all moved to the far corners of the country before I gave birth (not for that reason - just circumstances!) My parents were nearby but no help at all which actually felt more painful, longing for help that was never offered. When they did visit they made work, they didn't lessen the load.

We got a mother's help (like a live-out au pair) while DC were really tiny. It just gave me a bit of breathing space while DH was at work.

Mikart · 30/08/2025 17:11

I had no family help as we had no family. I gave birth to dc2 with out dh as he was looking after dc1. But it was fine! I nurtured good friends for swapping toddlers so I got an afternoon off each week.....and babysitting swops. Once dcs were 5 we paid for babysitters.

Makehaysunshine · 30/08/2025 17:15

I had to do it with three children and no help at all.

DangerFrog · 30/08/2025 17:44

Mudflaps · 30/08/2025 16:27

I was a single parent but had an incredible village (we joke that my ds had four parents, myself, my parents and my brother), I also had my friends and indeed my parents friends, never struggled to find a childminder (paid a cousin and later a friend of my mother), didn’t need babysitters as there was so many wanting to spend time with ds but now I'm in my mid 50's and retired, ds is in his 30's, I moved 200km 17 years ago when I married and I'd absolutely love to be part of a village but have never really made connections here. I love children and have more time on my hands than I like. A few years ago I offered to mind the preschool child of a young woman who used to work for us when she was a teenager, she wanted to finish her degree but struggled due to the cost of childminding, we had it all set up ready to start but her mother threw a tantrum and insisted on minding the child having previously refused to (she appeared to fear the child becoming close to me). I wish there was a way to link up with families who could use the time I have to spare.

@Mudflaps Have you looked into Home Start? Our local group are always looking for new volunteers - maybe there's a group near you?

OP, DH and I have 3 teenagers. Nearest family is 100 miles away. They did help when they could but they both worked when our babies were born then one was diagnosed with a life-limiting/terminal condition and the other became his carer. Rest of the family is 200+ miles away and have their own commitments.

Life has gotten much easier now our three are becoming more independent. We did have a very limited number of people who we could lean on if necessary. I volunteered at a local playgroup when my oldest joined, stayed on the committee while my younger two were there and have stayed friends with 1 or 2 of the other Mums. As kids grew up and joined other clubs, DH and I developed friendships with other parents.

It's been hard, DH travelled with work so it was often just me and the kids, but I coped. Might have muddled through at times, but they survived 😂. One thing, people do like to help so don't be afraid to ask - chances are, they're looking for help too!

Home-Start UK

Home-Start is a local community network of trained volunteers and expert support helping families with young children through their challenging times. We are there for parents when they need us the most because childhood can’t wait.

https://www.home-start.org.uk/

ishimbob · 30/08/2025 17:50

howshouldibehave · 30/08/2025 15:22

Second - most people do have family support. Not necessarily family doing regular childcare but helping out a few times a year/occasional babysitting, that kind of support. So they aren't that into reciprocal arrangements.

Well, yes-I would say that most people I know had/have someone to call on in an emergency, yes, eg a neighbour, colleague, a friend or member of the family who might have their older child eg whilst they gave birth or to babysit occasionally.

If neither of you talk to any neighbours or have any friends at all, that's a real shame

I have plenty of friends. But for a variety of reasons, none were well placed to be supportive with childcare in the pre school years. Mostly because they were busy with their own children.

In a total emergency, yes I could have called on someone but not for the sort of "we would love a weekend away" or "we could really use a day to paint/decorate" type thing. Because they had family support for that sort of thing and so didn't need anyone to have a reciprocal relationship with.

Now that my kids are primary aged, I do have a bit more of a village in that way but when they were under 5, it was a lot harder.

There is also a lot of serendipity with these things but people often think it's all your fault if it doesn't pan out.

Two examples - two of the families who used our nursery lived next door to each other so naturally they shared the nursery run. We didn't happen to have anyone on our road who used that nursery so we didn't. That was pure luck!

One of my friends from a baby group, her DD's best friend's mum turned out to live very close to them and be a qualified nanny so became their after school nanny and emergency childcare person more generally. My son didn't make such a convenient friendship!

All I am saying is that it's not always as easy as "make an effort" when you are the tired parent of under 5s

Mwnci123 · 30/08/2025 17:51

We've done it. Make mutually supportive friends if possible, pay for childcare, crack on with making a baby.

bucketfull · 30/08/2025 18:12

WhatNoRaisins · 30/08/2025 15:18

But what if you've kept putting yourself out there and have run out of options? Are you supposed to get on your knees and beg?

I'm thankfully not in this situation at this point in my life but I have been in the past. Sometimes you don't find your people and have to do your best to manage without a village. There are ways to manage, limiting number of children and trying to have realistic expectations of what you can do lifestyle wise.

I think some people are coming to this from a privileged background - they are among people like themselves already, they are not othered like say an immigrant would be, or they can afford to live in a nice area where people are more trusting, and friendly and open to new connections, not suspicious of each other or going through struggles that make them unavailable no matter how hard you work on building a network, how often you offer to help, or how charming you as a person.

ishimbob · 30/08/2025 18:20

bucketfull · 30/08/2025 18:12

I think some people are coming to this from a privileged background - they are among people like themselves already, they are not othered like say an immigrant would be, or they can afford to live in a nice area where people are more trusting, and friendly and open to new connections, not suspicious of each other or going through struggles that make them unavailable no matter how hard you work on building a network, how often you offer to help, or how charming you as a person.

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Absolutely

And then there are the snide "oh well if you have no friends" remarks. It's just not always as easy as that.

Abracadabra12345 · 30/08/2025 18:31

CagneyNYPD1 · 29/08/2025 19:42

We had nearly 3 years between our 2 dc with no real “village” in many ways. DH and I juggled everything between ourselves and were often like ships in the night or playing tag team. All our childcare was paid for by us apart from the 15 hours funding once they returned 3. Ant babysitting was paid for. I was lucky to have a home birth with DD which DS slept through.

I won’t lie, it was very tough at times. But there was also a very important upside. DH and I never had to accommodate the wishes of others e.g. grandparents. I know many families where Nan has been so involved that she is essentially a bit like the third parent and this can get quite messy.

We do have family and we do have friends. But we just don’t have that sort of circle that you can rely on people for help as and when. But DH and I are both quite independent and not the best at asking for help!

It may well have made as stronger as a parenting unit as DH and I had to rely on each other. It definitely meant that we stopped at 2 though.

This was exactly the same as us although by this time I wasn’t working in an office as I had become a registered childminder. Two weeks after the birth, I was back childminding ( just the one full-timer). Never any help or village and we did it the same way as you. Like you, we’re both independently- minded and it didn’t occur to either of us to ask for or expect support

Original poster

Hopingandwaiting2021 · 30/08/2025 18:44

@ishimbob and @bucketfull I completely agree. I really don't think we are terrible people or friendless (or even that unusual) but circumstances have lead to where we are now. Life turns out differently for everyone. We just want to do well by our DS and it's so useful to hear that it can work out ok.

OP posts:

Mudflaps · 30/08/2025 19:05

DangerFrog · 30/08/2025 17:44

@Mudflaps Have you looked into Home Start? Our local group are always looking for new volunteers - maybe there's a group near you?

OP, DH and I have 3 teenagers. Nearest family is 100 miles away. They did help when they could but they both worked when our babies were born then one was diagnosed with a life-limiting/terminal condition and the other became his carer. Rest of the family is 200+ miles away and have their own commitments.

Life has gotten much easier now our three are becoming more independent. We did have a very limited number of people who we could lean on if necessary. I volunteered at a local playgroup when my oldest joined, stayed on the committee while my younger two were there and have stayed friends with 1 or 2 of the other Mums. As kids grew up and joined other clubs, DH and I developed friendships with other parents.

It's been hard, DH travelled with work so it was often just me and the kids, but I coped. Might have muddled through at times, but they survived 😂. One thing, people do like to help so don't be afraid to ask - chances are, they're looking for help too!

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I'm in Ireland, must check if there's something similar here.

Another baby with no 'village'

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